Michael Douglas Will NOT Go Down On You

London - In the course of 24 hours, actor Michael Douglas has claimed and then recanted his admission that he believed he got throat cancer from going down on women back when he used to be a professional sex addict.  Douglas’ doctor’s claimed his cancer was caused by…are you sitting down?…SMOKING!!

We checked with our resident staffer who is obsessed with WebMD here at Unsolicited Drivel for comment.  She told us, “Dang, if that’s true he must have a tongue like Gene Simmons. The HPV virus causes cervical cancer. So what are we talking, like a six, 6, 7-inch tongue? I would have thought we have seen some of that tongue action in the recent ‘Liberace’ biopic were that to be the case. Besides, there’s been a vaccine for that disease for years. Although retiring Congresswoman Michele Bachmann says it makes girls retarded.  So if Mr. Douglas goes back to his philandering ways, maybe he should just stick to 'special' girls."