Miley Cyrus Has Redeemed Herself: As Michele Bachmann!

The GOP Trolls Are So Cranky on Social Media Lately

I can't imagine why? They voted for these people.

Michael Douglas Will NOT Go Down On You

London - In the course of 24 hours, actor Michael Douglas has claimed and then recanted his admission that he believed he got throat cancer from going down on women back when he used to be a professional sex addict.  Douglas’ doctor’s claimed his cancer was caused by…are you sitting down?…SMOKING!!

We checked with our resident staffer who is obsessed with WebMD here at Unsolicited Drivel for comment.  She told us, “Dang, if that’s true he must have a tongue like Gene Simmons. The HPV virus causes cervical cancer. So what are we talking, like a six, 6, 7-inch tongue? I would have thought we have seen some of that tongue action in the recent ‘Liberace’ biopic were that to be the case. Besides, there’s been a vaccine for that disease for years. Although retiring Congresswoman Michele Bachmann says it makes girls retarded.  So if Mr. Douglas goes back to his philandering ways, maybe he should just stick to 'special' girls."

Cynical Lizard on Rep. Bachmann's Retirement

Buh Bye!: The Best of Batty Bachmann

A crazy loon-bat in review.  Enjoy your criminal investigation for campaign finance violations, Michele.  I KNOW I will.

Unsolicited Drivel Satire: The Best of Batty Bachmann

Area Man Gives Up on America Ever Electing a "Regular Dude"

Baltimore, MD – An area man expressed disgust today because he believed that he’d was unlikely to ever see a “regular dude” or "dudette" elected to U.S. government in his natural lifetime.

Kevin White told Unsolicited Drivel, “It seems like in order to run for office these days you absolutely have to be a millionaire and typically, be a total dick in bed with a corporation or special interest group. Plus you have to stick to the core principles of divisiveness, ignoring the voters' needs who put you in office, spending taxpayer dollars on lavish vacations and not cooperating with anyone so you can successfully kill poor people.  Have they sand-blasted that message about the tired and poor off the Statue of Liberty yet?  There must be someone in Congress in bed with an industrial smoothing corporation. Maybe Michele Bachmann? She hardly has any wrinkles for her age.  And so much for their family values! Quite frankly, it’s getting to the point where I just will vote the less Richie Rich candidate I am confident won’t be showing me their junk on the Internet or getting caught with a rent-boy. At least that's my hope for change.”

First Minnesota Gives Us Michele Bachmann...

AND NOW THIS....??!!!??????
(Link)

One American States: Koch Brothers Should Switch to Selling Cocaine

Not the REAL Kochs, but how we assume they look...

Washington, DC - One American insisted recently that the Koch brothers, Charles and David, who typically sell products to wipe your ass (toilet paper), would probably do the nation more good by selling something that matched the pronunciation of their name - coke - (aka) cocaine.

An associate of theirs that works at the Libertarian affiliated Cato Institute told Unsolicited Drivel, "Hey, if we had any idea that the Tea Party would end up to be filled with a bunch of lard-ass, assassins of the English language AND Michele Bachmann, I'm pretty sure Chuck and Dave would have thought twice about being the chief financial backers.  They can spell and even string sentences together despite being just professional inheritors.  In fact,  now they have decided to just stick to voter intimidation at their paper plants (even if everyone can't speak English), and the various other b'jillion industries they still own which enable them to try to brainwash the American public at will.  Funny story…I'm only working at the Cato Institute because I was busted for doing coke and couldn't become a lawyer!  Four years of snorting blow through college because I'm not cool in real life down the drain.  Plus, I still have to hang out with cement heads everyday…which is EXACTLY like having a coke hangover.  All things considered, I wish the Koch brothers would actually switch to selling coke. How great would that branding be, baby?!?  They could still sell plenty of tissues from their paper plants and everyone in the Tea Party might seem more intellectual.  Except for Bachmann, of course."

Crooner-in-Chief Obama to Appear On Glee?

Washington, DC – Earlier this week President Obama sang again. This time he joined music greats B.B. King, Mick Jagger, Jeff Beck and Buddy Guy at the White House to celebrate blues music in our American culture. And now we have learned exclusively that he may have an even bigger public singing gig on the horizon in a guest role on Glee!

An insider in the administration told Unsolicited Drivel, "As you can tell, Obama is surely as talented as frequent Glee guest star Gwyneth Paltrow. And Ms. Paltrow’s appearances certainly did a great deal to restore the fan base she lost after she launched that website giving lifestyle advice that makes her seem like a pretentious wench obsessed with ignoring her husband in favor of her lower intestine. Just because the Republicans have failed to produce a candidate that any of them want to have a beer with doesn’t mean Obama’s not vulnerable in November. Also, appearing on a show like Glee will give Obama a chance to win back his fan base in the gay and lesbian community that he’s alienated since taking office by dragging ass on their issues because he's in the closet himself...as a conservative! We don’t have any plans to start a new war with Syria during an election year, so the President’s possible role on Glee could suffice as our 'October Surprise'. And as the country seems to be going bat-shit insane even without Michele Bachmann leading their way, we’re pretty sure now that the Republican candidate is going to be Rick Santorum instead of Mitt Romney.  If that's the case, we'll probably have Obama appear on the Halloween episode of Glee as school board administrator and have him in costume as the devil. Hell, Santorum's already convinced he’s running against Satan anyway."

I Can't Wait to Read Michele Bachmann's New Book!

Michele Bachmann: Buy My Book! - watch more funny videos

Who is More Likeable Than Herman Cain?

Even though sexual harassment in the restaurant business is as prevalent as abuse of a certain substance often confused with powdered sugar, GOP presidential hopeful Herman Cain’s likeability factor seems to be dropping like a hot potato since three women have come forward to accuse him of making inappropriate remarks.  That being said, we asked our Unsolicited Drivel readers who they thought was more likeable today than Herman Cain. Here is what they told us:

Quran Burning Pastor Launches Presidential Bid

Gainesville, FL – He may not hold the appeal for right wingnuts of a gay-hating Fred Phelps, or recurring Rapture predictor Harold Camping, but the Pastor Terry Jones, most famous for threatening to burn the Quran and then chickening out*, has tossed his halo into the GOP 2012 presidential race.

A spokesperson for Pastor Jones, also named Jones, Deacon Jones, told us, “God created the earth in 7 days and Terry has a seven step plan to save the U.S.of A.  In addition to the plan, we’ve noticed that Americans haven’t had a President with oddly styled facial hair since Chester Arthur back in the 1880’s and Terry’s even willing to add muttonchops to the mix to seal the deal.  

Unsolicited Drivel decided to take a good look at Jones’ plan for our readers and asked the Deacon some more questions.

U.D.: So, Deacon.  May I call you Deacon?  Your first priority is to stop spending immediately.  How to you plan to do that and maintain infrastructure?

D.J.: When we say stop spending immediately, we mean to do so symbolically.  Like that “Buy Nothing Day” those hippies have the day after Thanksgiving.  Maybe just for Inauguration Day. Either that, or we’ll close the banks briefly to just to make a point.

U.D.: Good luck with that.  And how are you going to balance the budget?  Our current government filled with millionaires, whom one would think are expert at holding on to money while screwing others,  hasn’t even been able to do that.

D.J.: We have a very frugal parishioner in our congregation who always runs the bake sale.  She knows a great deal about making ends meet.  Her gooseberry pie is to die for, by the way.

U.D.: I see you want to reduce military spending.  So how does Terry plan to run on the Republican ticket?  Just yesterday, the spending-cut-happy Republicans cried foul when military spending was put on the cutting  table.

D.J.: While we truly believe in an “eye for an eye” like the Bible says, we need to stick to fighting the terrorists on U.S. soil.  Think of all the gas money we’d save from them planes not going overseas?!?

U.D.:  How are you going to deport all of the illegals?  You claim there are 20 million of them.  Won’t that just eat up the savings on gas money you just told me about from not flying our troops overseas? 

D.J.: If they weren’t here taking our jobs, we could save 400 million dollars to create jobs for our returning troops.

U.D.: Like picking fruit?  Americans who are already here don’t want those jobs. 

D.J.: Uh………..

U.D.: Why do you think corporate taxes should be reduced when corporate giants like GE already are not even paying their fair share and sometimes are not taxed at all?  Are you still under the voodoo spell of trickle-down economics and believe that will create jobs? Jesus probably created more jobs - at least 12 that I know of.

D.J.: Uh…………….

U.D.: You want to reduce bureaucracy and reduce role of government in businesses.  Aren’t you aware that most of big business controls the government?  Anyway, you don’t want the government to regulate the companies but feel they should regulate themselves.  So, do you take the same position as Michele Bachmann, that the regulatory agencies like the FDA shouldn’t monitor companies to keep them from selling us poo-tainted beef or crappy cantelope, and we should just all depend on the honor system so we don’t catch e-coli or Listeria and drop dead? Even more likely if an American lacks health care.  Save a dollar, lose a dude?  Is that your policy?

D.J.:  We believe in faith for healing.  But you know…I think I’m going to have to double check with Terry on his view about food safety and get back to you.  Maybe he was just thinking about leaving the falafel and hummus industries unregulated?

*Turning the other cheek.

What Should Michele Bachmann Do to Get Her Presidential Campaign Back on Track?

Waterloo, IA - GOP Presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann was the corn dog flavor of the month last July, but now her campaign seems to be headed off the rails.  Apparently it's no longer enough for her to be down home folksy and act like she hates the federal government even though they sign her paychecks for missing votes in Congress.  So because we are so fond of polls (except turkey in the straw polls), we asked our Unsolicited Drivel readers for their ideas about how the plucky Congresswoman from Minnesota could get her campaign back on track for 2012. Here is what they said:

Geez, I've Missed Michele Bachmann!

But I hear her campaign staff's been reduced to eating Spaghetti-O's at the brainstorming table. Maybe she won't miss 150 votes in Congress next year then?

Because God Doesn't Discriminate

(Link)

Michele Bachmann Will Not Let Poo-free Meat Stand in the Way of Job Creation

Des Moines, IA - Even though GOP presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann is being slaughtered in the polls by a rootin', tootin’, executin’ cowbody, it’s not enough to stop her from keeping American jobs safe for cattlemen despite the threat of E. coli.

Bachmann visited a meatpacking plant in Des Moines yesterday where she learned how to properly slice a rib eye steak and heard all about the scourge that is the government’s food safety regulatory system.

While posing next to a slab of meat that would make Rocky Balboa groan, she told reporters, “These food safety regulations are part of the problem in preventing job creation and have become the overkill.  The stricter they get, the more jobs they take away.  From everyone on the cattle farm, to the slaughterhouse, to the fine people at the Burger King, and even the cardiac specialists who work in the hospital emergency room.  America can’t stand to lose any more jobs in this economy and that’s just what the FDA has planned for us.  That’s why from this day forward, I hope you will join me in my stalwart efforts to pray the E. Coli away.  And remember, always cook your contaminated meat patties to a full 165 degrees. Unless you're serving them to Rick Perry.”

In Case You Missed the Emmys...

You really only missed this.  Jon Stewart showed all of the Daily Show staff doing Bachmann impersonations. The rest of the show pretty much sucked.  Jon Hamm was ROBBED.

(Via imgur)

Michele Bachmann Still in the Hot Seat Over HPV Vaccine Remarks

San Francisco - Republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann has been facing criticism all week over remarks she made directed at fellow contender Rick Perry at Monday night’s debate about the vaccine against HPV and now she’s defending herself.

Bachmann stated, “During the debate, I didn’t make any statements to allude that I am a doctor, or even that I believed I was not a doctor but was playing one on TV, or that I was a scientist.  For heavens sake! My supporters know that I don’t even believe in science. Or those evolution monkeys. Hear that, Huntsman?  Anyway, I just implied in error, that the Gardasil HPV vaccine could make a girl go full retard, when I should have stated that it only could send them into anaphylactic shock, or give them a wee bit of a seizure. IF THEY ARE MANDATED TO TAKE IT THROUGH PERRYCARE!! If they take it on their own volition, it’s none of my business what happens to them because I stopped caring about them as soon as I found out they weren’t practicing abstinence. But again, I never said I was a doctor. I submit to let Marcus to pretend to be the doctor in our house.  In conclusion, I didn’t make any statements about anything that would imply I know what I’m talking about. Thanks and God bless.”

I Think This Was Meant as a Message for Perry & Bachmann

Too bad this church marquee wasn't spotted by them in Tampa.  It's actually in Harlem.

(Via Imgur)

Bachmann to Perry: Jesus Would NEVER Have Vaccinated for HPV

Tampa, FL – Pride of Iowa and the highest bidder in its straw poll, Rep. Michele Bachmann, went after Texas Governor Rick Perry in the Tea Party sponsored GOP debate last night with a loaded syringe,  insisting Jesus would never have vaccinated anyone for HPV.

Perry came under fire from all of the GOP candidates (who are starting to make the idea of a reanimated corpse of Richard Nixon look good for 2012) over his mandate for all Texas adolescent girls to be vaccinated to protect against cervical cancer and to load his campaign war chest with money from Merck Pharmaceuticals.

Being very careful not to imply she actually believes in a woman’s right to choose what to do with her own body, Bachmann claimed that Jesus, the same Jesus who told her to run for President, would never have insisted on vaccinating for a virus that was caused by promiscuity*. She concluded Jesus believed in abstinence and she believed Jesus had never even gotten busy with anyone himself, and six grade girls shouldn’t be getting busy until it was time to submit to their husbands after junior high. Bachmann also insisted that Perry stood to gain financially from the mandate of the drug by lining his pockets with much more money than she’d been able to line her own pockets with courtesy of the Federal Government. In conclusion, she stomped her foot, turned and exited stage left to have her husband Marcus fluff her hair. Marcus also gave Michele credit for not pointing out to America what is painfully obvious - Jesus hates Rick Perry and sent fire to Texas when Perry prayed for rain.

Perry insisted between more smirks and 'Yippe ki yays' than in the last debate (at least until Jeb Bush throws his Stetson into the race) that he only ever received a $5,000 campaign contribution from Merck and that if Bachmann believed that he could be bought for such a piddling amount, the little lady really needed to take a refresher course on the concept of “crony capitalism."  And in concluding his defense, Perry let out a "Yee Haw!”

*It’s in the Bible. See for yourself.