U.S. Asks Countries Outraged by NSA Spying to Patiently Please Take a Number

I always feel like somebody's watching me...

Washington, DC – As international outrage continues to grow over the United States’ NSA having cyber-spied on nations around the world, the Obama administration has issued a plea to those world leaders offended to please remain calm and then take a number to register their complaint on line.

Germany, Brazil, France, and now Spain have expressed outrage, in addition to probably 35 other countries most Americans have never heard of. But America is pretty darn sure they have residents who bow toward Mecca and/or wear attractive head scarves or just look a little brown-skinned, in general.*

A spokesperson for the National Security Agency told Unsolicited Drivel, “I was told to tell you we are very sorry that these countries, some them our allies, are so offended by our tactics to protect all things American, like freedom, from the terrorists. In fact, we are still apologizing to Germany’s President Angela Merkel for former President Bush’s terrorizing her with a shoulder rub with those brush clearin' paws of his during his term.  And we never anticipated the effects a Russian diet of just borscht and vodka would have on that whistleblower Edward Snowden. He's one hopped-up busy little bee now, ain't he? However, this surveillance is necessary to keep any terrorists from taking away Americans’ freedom to live in trailer parks, section 8 housing and homes heading toward foreclosure.  The 1% all have bomb shelters, so they are already taken care of if we pay attention to our intelligence. Anyway, in order to field all the complaints, we have decided to set up a new website where countries TAKING ISSUE WITH OUR VERY UNDERSTANDABLE 'TACTICS' can register to get a number for their complaint to be heard. No worries. Everyone’s concerns will be properly addressed in a timely manner. We hired the same web developer behind Heathcare.gov.”

*That explains Mexico.