Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Draft of Trump's First Presidential Inauguration Speech Leaked!

Where's Steve Bandaid when you need him? Fat loser!
New Yawk, NY - Exclusive!!! Our cracker-slack team at Unsolicited Drivel was able to obtain an early draft (vintage Wednesday) of the 45th president Donald J. Trump's initial inauguration speech. Which he wrote himself! Or so he claims. Even though it had been run through a paper shredder (also convenient for shredding Trump ties - the quality of Trump's ties are just that GOOD), we hired the guy who plays Grimace in Times Square by simply agreeing to pay him with gold DOUBLOONS. Just like Trump promised him when he worked on that ratings machine - "Celebrity Apprentice." Grimace was on that show. Right? We would never confuse him with Gary Abusey.  In reality, Grimace agreed to work just for purple Skittles. Convenient for our staff.  Rainbow tasting is encouraged around here to increase employee morale. Something Trump would know nothing about.

As is sooooo often the case, Trump did not, in fact, pay Grimace to suck up to him. However, the less popular 'purple one' was still  happy to oblige U.D. to piece the document back together with Dollar Store tape WORD FOR WORD. Again, Trump's loss is our gain. THIS is the document!  As far as we can tell, anyway...

"To my fellow (?) other Americans… you know the ones who would rather stick themselves in the eye with a sushi chopstick than vote for me. I TOTALLY don’t get that? I could have hooked them up with my very own doctor to make them ALL feel good! Without the Obama’s Care.  He could fax you from… are you waiting for this? FROM HIS FROM OWN CAR. We don’t use emails.  And by feeling good… I mean, well, me and Billy Bush on a bus 'good!' I DID NOT know Bushes could laugh!  Anyways my doc he’s like Dr. Bombay! He comes right away! What, Kellyanne? Dr. Bombay died in 2016? Scratch that!

So, here I am. The former King of Queens. But they ACTUALLY gave that title  to that Kevin James guy instead. NOT COOL. My wife is way hotter and she doesn’t have to pay off The Church of Scienmeology to be quiet. James is not bigly cool. The kingdom is MINE now! And I never even whined about not having a horse. Yet. That’s for losers. Speaking of queens, did you know I hired Mike Pence? Kasich doesn’t tweet on the toilet. That’s why. I had NO idea, but Rice Pilaf, head of the RNC, said it was a windfall. Kind of like my casinos. You win so HARD you lose.

Have you met Ivanka? She won’t be going duck hunting with Dick Cheney anytime soon! Did I mention Ivanka yet? Her boots will singulaullerary ALLOW HER, the sole duty to drain that swamp! She won’t even have to get wet and wild. She gets that from me. Although that Carl’s Jr. guy I hired before I say, 'YOU’RE FIRED!' would like to see that. And of course you know the two Donalds. What? Oh. That one is named Eric. I forget sometimes. Barron is here and DON’T believe Rosie O’Donnell when she says he’s artistic. He’s probably just bored. Where’s Tiffany? Is that and her standing next to a guy with THE GUY, who knows a guy, who knows a guy with a that guy Falcon’s mask? What, Kellyanne? I don’t know any guy named Fawkes. V is for what? Vagina? I can’t keep track of Tiffany’s boyfriends. They are spamming it up on a server on the cybers like Crooked Hillary’s unread emails.

I am so sad that George Bush, Sr., could not be here with the lovely Barbara Bush. So very sad.  Get well soon George Sr. and your mom too! He’s the only Bush I really like. Jeb! IS SUCH A LOSER! I think Dubya’s here. His wife is kind of hot… for a librarian. I’m pretty sure I would have checked out her book. Maybe only for six hours because Laura is just a 6.  Melania, do you see Laura? Why is that fur hat covering your eyes? Russian Sable. It’s great. Unlike my hair, which is AWESOME. Don’t believe Chris Christie when he claims it’s really bleached muskrat fur from The Meadowlands. Jenna Bush is on the NBC FAKE News. She’s on at 9AM, but should really be on at 7AM. A definite 7.

Jimmy Carter is here with his lovely wife Roseanna to build safe houses for the homeless because they wanted to hide from the incredible spectacle of the ceremony. Very classy of those two.

Crooked Hillary and Bill Clinton are here because I make them attend all of my events by making up rumors about them on Twitter. Still, it gives them a chance to catch up with their Goldman Sachs friends. It’s a win-win for everyone.

I see Barack, Michelin, Satay and Malaysia. The Obama family ARE all here including Michelin’s mom, Mrs. Robeson. I think? Her husband, Paul? Might I add, what a great singer! I tried to get hm to perform but Kellyanne informed me he has passed on. Shortly after I passed on going to the Vietnam war. I had the boned spurts. In my foot. It's not caused by putting it inside one's mouth so I hear.

You want to know what?  I’m really glad those Obama dogs aren’t here. That Sunny - not SO Sunny. In name ONLY!  She’s a serial biter. Kind of like my good friend, the boil on the butt on sports broadcasting,  Marv Albert. Those dogs are ILLEGALS too! From Portugal and they love water. That’s what I’ve heard. I’ll just deport them to the Guananmo Bay. That’s near the water. It's on an island, right? They will thank me for it. Pennsylvania Avenue will no longer bite. It will just bark instead.

And speaking of other African African American lawmakers - I am not ‘illegitimate’ for me to be a president by the way. Despite what that rabble-rouser from Atlanta Georgia Rep. John Lewis said. I think his brain is gone with the wind! And I look exactly like my sainted late mother Mary. That proves I'm a Trump and was BORN here because people in Europe kicked us out. She had great hair. Huge hair! Like amber Trumpnamis of grain. Dr. Ben Carson would wish her could keep her hair in a pyramid like ancient Gyptions did with their grains.

I’m ready now. Here comes the honorable Chief Justice Robbins. I don’t know if he’s the Robbins of Baskin & Robbins? I really don’t eat ice cream, but if I did, I’d use a golden spork! I would have Tiffany's make it just for me.  My supporters would love that."

“Put your right hand on the Bible. The entire Bible, Donald. Don’t just finger through those two Corinthian guys… “

"I, Donald J. Trump, the ‘J.’ stands for Jug Head by way. Mother was so creative. Regardless, I do solemnly swear to unfaithfully executate the office of the President of the UNITED ESTATES  in gated communities ONLY!  All across America!
And in closing, Go Bless Amerikkka!" 

1 comments so far :

Mary Fulton said...

Hilarious, thanks!

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