“American Idol” to Be Possibly Hosted by Holograms if There is a Next Season

Yawn.

Los Angeles – America’s supposed favorite whole note singing competition began last night with little fanfare and a new panel of judges on “American Idol.”

Most people who tuned in are rumored to have thought the following:

• Keith Urban is really hot, without the homophobia of a Blake Shelton, and if he can get Nicole Kidman’s face to move during sex, well more power to him.

• Mariah Carey is that singer with a voice like Whitney Houston!  So why hasn’t she married a complete parasite or overdosed yet?

• Nicki Minaj? I’m not as o'scared of her as the possibility of me being beaten to death with one of those old fashioned metal trash can lids in an alley as I would be in the case with M.I.A., so why is the show spending huge money for Mariah Carey’s extra security? And, is it just because Mariah can actually sing?

• And there's still that Randy guy who claims to be a Jackson. Where's his sequined glove?

• Plus, where the heck is J-Lo's butt? Not missing that creepy old lady though.  Stephen something?

Viewers were in total agreement that no one is also still missing Simon Cowell’s man-boobs either despite his talent for verbally disemboweling people who spent their entire life savings to get to the audition.

However,  we at Unsolicited Drivel have insider information, that in order to make the show relevant again, that all future episodes will be hosted by holograms of Tupac Shakur, John Lennon, Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin. Not surprisingly,  Kanye West has already has a HUGE problem with that.

(For Anna Karenina.)

American Idol May Have to Settle for Adele’s Baby for New Judge

Los Angeles – Once Queen of Whole Note Singing shows, American Idol, just canned two of its judges despite what you’ve heard. Steven Tyler was fired for being creepy without the funny factor like Howard Stern can pull off on America’s Got Talent, and Jennifer Lopez was given the choice between Idol and banging young gay back-up dancers for the tabloids full time – and we all know how J-Lo chose. Randy Jackson we have learned has had his butt skin grafted to his chair after all of these years and will be returning to Idol solely for medical reasons.

Rumors were swirling that the show was close to landing Mariah Carey as a judge, but her spokesperson/husband Nick Cannon, the man who is responsible to see that she makes more money than the Catholic Church, genocidal dictators and Saudi Royal family combined, said they couldn’t meet the singer’s financial demands. And Britney Spears has already been signed to warble-mumble out down-homey-non-threating-folky-talk on The X-Factor.

A behind the scenes insider on Idol told  Unsolicited Drivel of next season, “I know that you are hearing rumors about Aretha Franklin this morning, but Aretha’s been so secretive about her personal life in the past, that I cannot imagine how she would be able to handle the tabloid scrutiny. Taylor Swift cannot take time away from her national tour of smiling while bad-mouthing ex-boyfriends because it’s way too lucrative. In fact, we don’t have one current hot prospect at all and we are running out of time. We’re hoping at the very least that Adele will consent to letting us use her newborn baby at the judges’ table if she’s ready by the season debut in September. She won’t be jaded by the music industry yet and she’d would likely make more sense than say, Ke$ha waking up after a bender and being plagued with acid reflux.”