American Idol May Have to Settle for Adele’s Baby for New Judge

Los Angeles – Once Queen of Whole Note Singing shows, American Idol, just canned two of its judges despite what you’ve heard. Steven Tyler was fired for being creepy without the funny factor like Howard Stern can pull off on America’s Got Talent, and Jennifer Lopez was given the choice between Idol and banging young gay back-up dancers for the tabloids full time – and we all know how J-Lo chose. Randy Jackson we have learned has had his butt skin grafted to his chair after all of these years and will be returning to Idol solely for medical reasons.

Rumors were swirling that the show was close to landing Mariah Carey as a judge, but her spokesperson/husband Nick Cannon, the man who is responsible to see that she makes more money than the Catholic Church, genocidal dictators and Saudi Royal family combined, said they couldn’t meet the singer’s financial demands. And Britney Spears has already been signed to warble-mumble out down-homey-non-threating-folky-talk on The X-Factor.

A behind the scenes insider on Idol told  Unsolicited Drivel of next season, “I know that you are hearing rumors about Aretha Franklin this morning, but Aretha’s been so secretive about her personal life in the past, that I cannot imagine how she would be able to handle the tabloid scrutiny. Taylor Swift cannot take time away from her national tour of smiling while bad-mouthing ex-boyfriends because it’s way too lucrative. In fact, we don’t have one current hot prospect at all and we are running out of time. We’re hoping at the very least that Adele will consent to letting us use her newborn baby at the judges’ table if she’s ready by the season debut in September. She won’t be jaded by the music industry yet and she’d would likely make more sense than say, Ke$ha waking up after a bender and being plagued with acid reflux.”

Steven Tyler Rendition of National Anthem Worst Thing to Happen to Pro Athletes Since Kardashian Sisters?

Foxboro, Mass – Professional athletes and sports fans agreed yesterday that American Idol judge and Aerosmith front man Steven Tyler’s rendition of the National Anthem was “the worst thing to happen to pro athletes since the Kardashian sisters hit puberty and started preying on them like malnourished sharks."  

One teammate, who asked not to be named, told Unsolicited Drivel, “It was pretty bad.  I mean you could mute the video and still tell by the look on the players’ faces. Flacco looked like he sat on a tack.  At least Christina Aguilera has boobs you can stare at for a distraction.  I mean Steven has boobs too, I’ve seen pictures of him at the beach, but they aren’t the hot kind.  But you know what?  I’d still have to say his singing probably wasn’t quite as bad as it would be catching a case of crabs from dating one of those hairy sisters that own the E! Channel.”

We have also learned exclusively that even the ghost of Jimi Hendrix weighed in on the controversial song rendition via Ouija board, stating he would have been more than happy to have offered a royalty-free usage of his instrumental version of the anthem to play to have drowned out Tyler’s singing as it could be heard all they way up to Heaven, and it was very distracting to the security detail that was trying to keep Joe Paterno out.