Man, Donald Trump Will Eat (Sell) Anything to Pander to the Ethnic Vote!

Donald Trump Still Working on a Strategy to Offend Almost Every American

Wrong finger, Asshat.

Somewhere in Iowa or New Hampshire – Strategists for alleged billionaire and megalomaniac haircut of manhood, Donald Trump, are scratching their heads of inferior hair today for ideas on how he can offend almost the entire nation before the primaries to guarantee the votes of people with the brainpower of an amoeba. Unsolicited Drivel has been told by a staffer, “We’re not very smart. We’re running out of ideas! We know we can get the Neo-Nazi vote and as of today, that might be enough. He still needs to step up his white supremacy.”

We had a staffer dig through the dumpster at Trump Tower (they aren’t smart enough to shred their paperwork), to see what we could find. In one crumbled up email from a non-secure server here were some of their ideas:

• Insult Asians by telling them they all look alike (Trump forgot they existed).
• Tell Native Americans he will buy all of their casinos because they are not REAL Americans and not worthy of bankrupting a casino.
• Start a Rich Bastards Lives Matter activism group.
• Accuse the Sikhs in America of being Isis if they wear black turbans.
• Insist Carly Fiorina is going through menopause at the next debate debasing all women with hot flashes.
• Tell fast food and Wal-Mart workers on food stamps they are LOSERS!
• Insult a veteran (other than John McCain) who is preferably in a wheel chair, missing legs and gay.

Sorry, kids! That’s all we could find today. No doubt the insults will keep coming from El Trumpo!!!  Keep the faith.

Without Donald Trump, I'd Starve

From NOT laughing.

No Self-Respecting Cat Would be a Trump

(Via Tumblr/Vanity Fair)

Explosive Report Reveals How The Government Sequester Will Kill You

Victim of Sequester the Molester

London – A paper outside of America that none of us will ever read just published an explosive expose on the hidden costs of our government sequester and suggested that 98% of Americans should just bend over and kiss their “arses” (limey spelling) goodbye. So basically get your ASS to the bank or wherever and ask for what’s called “power of attorney” so you can have someone decide who will get your leftover catheters, your Nascar memorabilia, including your autograph from Dale Earnhardt, SENIOR, your pointed hood, gun collection, your “Don’t Tread on Me” flag, your secret homemade interracial porn video, your hair extensions, your “Bump it,"  fake fingernails, your trucker hat collection and any tickets you bought to the upcoming Monster truck rally should you suddenly perish.

Unsolicited Drivel caught up with the reporter, Nigel Hogthorne from The Watcher, U.K. for the Cliff Notes version of the explosive report.  He told us, “Well I do say madam that you people are how you say?  Up shite’s creek without a paddle due to the current crop of politicians some of you rubes voted into office. There will be cuts to programs like Meals on Wheels for your seniors, for some of whom that is their only food source, people will be turned away for housing, which I assume will be really awkward for those in the southern states when they go to pitch a tent on someone’s lawn they may or may not have burned a cross on after one to eight too many beers. People will be refused cancer treatment. You're pretty much all going to die. Sorry. Now Britain can rise again!  Jolly good!! Anyhow, the reason you Americans didn’t notice all of the cuts is because your silly arses go into a blind rage as soon as you hear the words ‘cuts to defense spending.’ Basically, the only Americans whose lives will not change will be the millionaires, billionaires, and the Appalachian hill people and the swamp people of Louisiana because they live off the grid anyway.  And speaking of grids, power grids, enjoyed any good blackouts lately?   I must say your politicians have planned this very poorly. My only question is this. If they kill off the lower classes, who will pour their 12-year old scotch?”

The Romneys Had a Nice Memorial Day

Did you?

Via Tumblr

Checking On the Popularity of Our U.S. Congress

No contest, Mr. Speaker!

Washington, DC - Well, it's back to work for the ladies and germs in our United States Congress after no doubt having a much more fiscally comfortable Christmas Holiday than the other 98%.  Reports suggest that this has been the worst Congress in our lifetimes.  Maybe in more than one lifetime.  Definitely - EVER.  Unsolicited Drivel spent the money we were saving for a bag of magic beans to have a year-end poll conducted for our readers on the current popularity rating of our politicians among real Americans:

Mitt Romney: Man of the People

Via Twitter

Mitt Romney, Sir - Your Reservation is Ready!

(Via Tumblr)

Trump Deletes Tweets, Yet Sadly, Refuses to Delete Himself

You gotta pwoblem wit me?

NY, New Yawk - Self proclaimed King of the USA, Donald Trump, quickly deleted some of the Twitter messages he put up after President Obama's reelection this week.

Trump, who admittedly doesn't drink, can still behave like the biggest asshole in America and APPEAR to be drunk with ease somehow every time he opens his mouth.  He also accomplished this by having his wife (secretary of the luxury condo tower) Tweet with her French manicure, "Well, back to the dwarwing board!"  And something like "This countwy is now a twavesty!!"  He also admitted that he felt Mitt Romney didn't connect with most Americans, like for example, "the blacks," with whom he has a great relationship, but also failed to notice that most of his help is Latino now and Snoop Dog (Lion?) only hangs out with him when he's stoned.  Like he's outta his zone, mon!

We wondered why someone as outspoken as Donald Trump is would take back his words of criticism?  Our current staff historian told Unsolicited Drivel, "Well America's always in need of having at the very LEAST one major asshole and Trump has been willing to fill that bill.  Tough job, but he delivers.  Especially when you consider how it would be so easy for Rush Limbaugh to OD or Bill O'Reilly to be a victim of spontaneous human combustion.  Trump also gets less D-List celebrities on his TV show than Dancing With the Stars.  Be that as it may, and even though former Senator Todd Akin challenged the Donald for the title of 'America's Biggest Asshole'…well, if you know Donald and I do, he doesn't like losing.  Yet he still toned down his Tweets for the time being and had Melania delete some.  Also, it's he likely calmed down a bit when the president sent him his college transcripts via a bald eagle courier that damn near scratched clean off whatever that thing is that lives on his head when it landed."

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At Least 47% Of You Could Use the Reward Money....

(Via Tumblr)

Kimmel Translates Trump's Non-October Surprise

I'm Going to Transfer All of My Qualifications and Get Them to The Romney Campaign!

I sitll need work, bitches!

I Wish My Highly Qualified Ass Was Stuck in a Binder

(Via tumblr)

Poor Pitiful Mitt Romney! He's Already Lost the Latino Vote!!

Where's MY Car Elevator?

(Via Matt Bors)

Gosh, I Hate Junk Mail!

(Via tumblr)

The Romneys Lie? Really?

Colbert NAILS Our Sentiments About Pappa John's Pizza

Wow. Is it possible he gets funnier by the day? Can't resist this one. Unlike happily resisting Pappa John's.

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Mitt Romney Finally Remembers Why He Can't Show His Tax Returns

Extra bonus - I bring you Jerry O'Connell in his tighty whiteys. Summer colds suck the life out of my funny bone. Sorry for the lack of posts.

Mitt Romney's Tax Return Hunt from Jerry O'Connell