Mitt Romney Endorses Public Masturbation in Wake of Christine O’Donnell Endorsement

Someplace Folksy (Maybe NH?) – GOP hopeful Mitt Romney came out today (not literally…and not Santorumly) and gave a public endorsement of masturbation as a result of former Tea Party darling Christine O’Donnell’s endorsement of his candidacy for the Republican nomination last night.

O’Donnell is the notorious non-masturbator, campaign finance personal user, teenage witch and alleged college graduate who most famously crashed and burned her campaign for Delaware Senate last year faster than half-term Alaska Governor Sarah Palin can swim upstream like a spawning salmon for an opportunity to land on grift –for-dollars gig to screech at half-wits while sucking on a bendy straw and wearing $2,000 shoes all while under a secret financial contract that Dick Cheney could not use his diabolical skills of evil to even unveil.

A spokesperson for the Romney campaign confirmed, “We’ve been looking for a way for Mitt to stand-out, heads above the crowd for sometime now, and the endorsement of Christine gave us the perfect angle.  The whole changing his personality like the wind, wiping out his political existence as if he ever governed Massachusetts depending on which computer tech cleaned the hard drive that day thing if we decided he did or didn't actually govern that week angle wasn't working anyway.   That being said,  Mitt will no longer be using with a podium during the future 11,000 debates.    Besides, they say America always elects the tall guy who stands tall, right?!?”

Iowa Tea Party Rescinds Rejection of Christine O’Donnell

Indianola, Iowa – An Iowa political group, Tea Party for American White People of Limited Education, has changed its mind and re-invited Delaware Republican former senate candidate/former witch Christine O’Donnell back to their rally this Saturday.

O’Donnell was to take the stage with former half-term Alaska Governor Sarah Palin this Labor Day weekend at the group’s “Restoring America by Stripping Away One Entitlement at a Time” rally, then was uninvited yesterday and then re-invited all in the amount of time it takes to detassel a stalk of corn.

An organizer for the group told Unsolicited Drivel, “We’re making room for her.  There was some discontent over her talking to that Piers Morgan CNN guy at all because many in the group believe he’s one of them illegals and that network’s for commies too.  Christine was so upset we canceled on her that she offered to let Dick Cheney waterboard her at a book signing as a show of dedication to the cause.  So we took pity on her.   Besides, Palin won’t appeal to Saturday’s entire crowd.  She’s kinda high-falutin’ now and we decided needed another lady grifter to relate to the low-rent district."

CNN Walkout: Christine O’Donnell v. Piers Morgan!

New York – Former Delaware Tea Party senate candidate Christine O’Donnell may not be a witch, but she certainly seemed like she wanted to turn pompous talk show host Piers Morgan into a newt last night before she walked out of a TV interview.

O’Donnell was on CNN’s Piers Morgan Tonight to promote her book Troublemaker: Or How I Set the Republican Party Back 230 Years, and became obviously irritated when Morgan asked about her views on witchcraft and gay marriage. After some defensive remarks about those issues all being covered in the book (So why are you asking me about them on the air, you cheeky bugger?), O’Donnell complained about Morgan’s rudeness, her being late for another event where Upper West Side bitches could rattle their jewelry at her, and then she ended the interview.

While we are not surprised that any guest would perceive Morgan as rude, we were a little surprised that O’Donnell would behave that way. Politicians are supposed to have a thicker skin than most people, so what gives?

Unsolicited Drivel caught up with someone in O’Donnell’s camp about the explosive interview who told us, “I do think Piers was being rude and it was obvious he didn’t read Christine’s book. She was scheduled at the last minute after the next potential reality TV suicide victim canceled, so Piers wouldn’t have had enough time to read Troublemaker. And there aren’t going to be a Cliff Notes available for a book written by someone who got through school by only read Cliff Notes. Anyway, once it became clear to Christine that he didn’t read the book she just decided then they would only talk about the nice artwork on the book jacket instead. And what’s that limey bastard doing asking a straight woman for her views about gay marriage when she hasn’t even had a date herself since the mid 90s?”