MSNBC Not Crazy Enough For Big Ratings

She's too rational for herself...too rational for herself...

New York - Bad news for the anchors at MSNBC.  Even after a month of disasters including the Oklahoma tornado, the new-n’-improved-Casey Anthony Jodi Arias’ sensationalistic murder trial and the IRS spying on a political party that is dumb-ass-backwards enough to name itself after tax dodgers, the cable news network fell into 4th place. In fact, the network saw its lowest ratings since 2007!

Unsolicited Drivel asked our media analyst for comment on the network’s decline.  She told us, “It’s disappointing for them.  They certainly have some of the more intelligent anchors. But unfortunately, they just can’t bring the crazy like Fox or CNN and America gets crazier by the day.  We can thank the religious right and the gun nuts for that as well as the media that reports on them incessantly when they are actually a minor portion of our American population.  But MSNBC doesn’t do very well at sensationalism and they often have their facts straight and are kind of quiet. Of course Chris Matthews is pretty shouty, but he looks like that tweety bird from Bugs Bunny so it’s hard to concentrate on what he’s saying. Al Sharpton? I have no clue what he’s saying. Rachel Maddow is very sporty with her striped bass fishing and suave with her drink mixing, so if she could convince middle America she was actually a man, she’d probably pull in more viewers. Although there’s no guarantee there. I'll have go with a maybe. But Rachel’s still not an alleged phone hacker like CNN's Piers Morgan. Being a criminal is pretty sexy to America right now. Especially during this economy. I think really the only solution for MSNBC to boost ratings is to start reporting fake news like CNN did with the Boston bombing.  That way viewers will tune in just to watch the f*ck ups.”

UPDATE: This just in. The jury in Arizona has sentenced Jodi Arias to spending a weekend with Governor Jan Brewer as to not take the blame for handing out the death penalty. This way, Ms. Arias' fate of spontaneous human combustion is guaranteed. We scooped MSNBC!

Did You Know North Korea Has Declared War on the U.S.?

Really, they have. I think the Twinkie sanctions sent them over the edge.

More Ratings Trouble at CNN

Atlanta - CNN, the once original cable news network (see: Gulf War Part I), has announced some big shake-ups are forthcoming due to its free-fall ratings decline.  They've already axed anchor John King this week, but we wondered what else can they do to regain viewers?  Nobody believes they are communists anymore! We polled readers, and this is what they said:

Kirk Cameron Apologizes for Anti-Gay Remarks, But Not For Career

Los Angeles – Former child star Kirk Cameron has apologized for his recent inflammatory remarks about homosexuality.  But Cameron has yet to apologize for his acting career, which he also bummed out America with by playing a complete dorkus who got to kiss hot girls on a vanilla TV sitcom for years.

The former Growing Pains star told CNN's Piers Morgan on homosexuality, “I think that it's… it's… it's unnatural. I think that it's…it's detrimental, and ultimately destructive to so many of the foundations of civilization.” But the star made no apologizes for creating the freakishly cheerful Mike Seaver character, who now seems like an unfortunate road bump on the television landscape.

One disgruntled viewer told Unsolicited Drivel, “How’d Cameron get on TV in the 21st century anyway? Was he campaigning for that Rick Santorum guy? Kirk's annoying mug was everywhere in the 80s because of that dumb sitcom and now his speaking out on social issues is a painful reminder for me that he even exists. I had locked away the memory of actors like Cameron with Urkel and Uncle Jesse’s hair from Full House in the dark recesses of my mind under incredibly lame stuff I don’t want to remember from our pop culture. And now Urkel’s even resurfaced on Dancing with the Hasbeens! At least Urkel hasn’t offered any crazy ass views about stuff he should STFU about. Yet.”

CNN Walkout: Christine O’Donnell v. Piers Morgan!

New York – Former Delaware Tea Party senate candidate Christine O’Donnell may not be a witch, but she certainly seemed like she wanted to turn pompous talk show host Piers Morgan into a newt last night before she walked out of a TV interview.

O’Donnell was on CNN’s Piers Morgan Tonight to promote her book Troublemaker: Or How I Set the Republican Party Back 230 Years, and became obviously irritated when Morgan asked about her views on witchcraft and gay marriage. After some defensive remarks about those issues all being covered in the book (So why are you asking me about them on the air, you cheeky bugger?), O’Donnell complained about Morgan’s rudeness, her being late for another event where Upper West Side bitches could rattle their jewelry at her, and then she ended the interview.

While we are not surprised that any guest would perceive Morgan as rude, we were a little surprised that O’Donnell would behave that way. Politicians are supposed to have a thicker skin than most people, so what gives?

Unsolicited Drivel caught up with someone in O’Donnell’s camp about the explosive interview who told us, “I do think Piers was being rude and it was obvious he didn’t read Christine’s book. She was scheduled at the last minute after the next potential reality TV suicide victim canceled, so Piers wouldn’t have had enough time to read Troublemaker. And there aren’t going to be a Cliff Notes available for a book written by someone who got through school by only read Cliff Notes. Anyway, once it became clear to Christine that he didn’t read the book she just decided then they would only talk about the nice artwork on the book jacket instead. And what’s that limey bastard doing asking a straight woman for her views about gay marriage when she hasn’t even had a date herself since the mid 90s?”