Speaker Boehner Thinks You’re An Idiot

Washington, DC – We are only as smart as the choices we make in this life.  That being said, GOP leader Speaker John Boehner probably thinks Americans are mostly idiots based upon whom we voted for.

In a recent interview when asked about Congress Boehner stated, “We got some of the smartest people in the country who serve here, and some of the dumbest.” He also touted his own achievements stating, “There’s nobody who works harder here to pretend to work with the president than I do. I’ve mastered pretending and I think my ability to cry on cue as if my puppy was just hit by a liquor truck is proof positive of that.”

We all know about Boehner’s insincere efforts to meet Obama half way, but what about this “dumb” comment? That still stings.

Unsolicited Drivel checked in with our political analyst who told us, “I am sure that Speaker Boehner’s comment about the current crop of dummies in Congress is directed at the Tea Party freshman. Of course voters who elected people who think taxes are too high even though some of them are receiving IRS refunds for the first time since the 80s can be considered mental defectives.  But I don’t think Boehner was thinking about the voters. That wouldn’t be like him at all. He was probably just criticizing his colleagues as being dumb because they hadn't figured out how to get lobbyists to massage their upper thighs like a Thai hooker while lining their pockets with money, or how to spend more time on the golf course than legislating to take the country ass-backwards yet."

Clint Eastwood to Scowl at U.S. Congress to Make Sure They Get Actual Work Done

Washington, DC – A group of concerned citizens have taken up a collection to pay actor Clint Eastwood to stare at the Republican controlled Congress with disgust to make them more productive now that his own party hates him. Eastwood came under fire this week after he appeared in a Chrysler commercial touting the comeback of the auto industry that President Obama had bailed out. The person in charge of the group Stop Our Lawmakers From Merely Lining Their Pockets and Legislating Lady Parts told us, “Now that Clint makes them squirm because they think he’s a socialist, we think it would be a good idea for him to stand in the capitol building while they are in session and give them the old Gran Torino scowl.  We figure they’ll be more cooperative because they don’t want to ‘make his day’ so to speak by being the usual assholes.”

Speaking from his toadstool underneath a bridge, Republican strategist Karl Rove had complained of the commercial, “The President of the United States is using our tax dollars to buy corporate advertising or something without the approval and machinations of my diabolical mind! That didn’t used to be tolerated.”

Eastwood, in a New York Times editorial response to Rove wrote, “Who gives a f*ck what that fat f*ck thinks?”  He also stated he had become aware of the movement to have him intimidate the living shit out of Congress and he even offered to work for Actor’s Equity union scale.

A Plea From Chuck Woolery to Contact Congress This Week!

Gosh, remember Chuck from Love Connection?  I used to really dig that show.  Anyway, Chuck has some solid ideas about what our bat shit crazy lawmakers in Washington should be really cutting from the budget this week.

Lawmaker Suggests Maybe Children Should Just Go Ahead and Harvest Their Own Food to Combat Childhood Obesity

Washington, DC – Michelle Obama unveiled her campaign to combat childhood obesity today and she informed us that one in three children is obese in America and that in addition to physical health problems, overweight children can also experience psychological problems and let’s face it - no government is going to pay for a $350 per hour shrink. Not even Obama’s.  The first lady also suggested that even if a child is to consume one vegetable per meal, they can still live to adulthood. She also urged that we make food labels easier to read which is great news for unemployed graphic artists as there are just as many kids who can’t read as kids who can only identify foods that could last so far into the future that they could someday help new and improved species to identify what went wrong with ours.  Childhood obesity is a nationwide epidemic, but how do we keep our children from growing from side to side without sidestepping the need for congressional wallets to continue to grow? A recent study suggested that by merely ditching a daily Dr. Pepper, kiddies could avoid a visit to the doctor, combat the fat and win the battle of the bulge. Schools sell soda to help them reach their budget goals with a lack of state funding, but in a shortcut move to avoiding the necessary funds, one congressman has already come up with a maverick* idea. Wiley Smightenton (R – Mississipp’) suggested, “Mebbe if we had the youngin’s out in the fields picking everah day, they’d get enough exercise so’s they’d be too tired to even eat?  It would be a helluva lot easier on the state budgets than re-hiring all of them PE instructors we’ve been layin’ off.”

*™SSP (Spineless Sarah Palin)