February is Women's Heart Health Awareness Month

February is Women's Heart health awareness month!  The way ladies typically celebrate this made up 28 days of awareness is by wearing the color... are you ready?  RED!  So clever.  If you are Laura Bush you wear a two piece Lela Rose buttoned-up suit day and night. If you are Michelle Obama you rock a side shoulder Versace day and night.

Symptoms of heart attacks are very different for ladies and it's important to know about them.  Heart disease is the number one killer of American women, yet that doesn't prevent some bitches from still wishing an early death on other bitches daily.  Particularly if that bitch is  Nicki Minaj. Even if you don't have the girth of say, a Rosie O'Donnell once she removed her Spanx™ after Oprah fired her, you still are at risk ladies!  Your first clue will be that your face will turn grey. There's other stuff too.

We asked our Unsolicited Drivel readers how they prevent heart disease.

"I'm heart-healthy because..." 

"I do try and watch what I eat. But in reality, I find laughter to be the best medicine.  Any time I am feeling blue, I think about the delusional GOP believing they will ever have any black voters other than Hermain Cain, Allen West, Michael Steele, and Alan Keyes.  It's a sure cure for the doldrums any day!"

"We find that making time to actually physically see each other instead of just making wise ass comments on social media is great.  Nothing beats face to face girl time and some coffee cake.  Also, bad-mouthing everyone we know.  Then, we take good care of our hearts by throwing up our cake."


"A little daily dose of self-love never hurt any girl if you catch my drift.  I also enjoy cutting to tone down my self-hatred.  That can't be heart healthy. The self-hatred I mean.  Plus I eat five cloves of garlic at dinner every night.  It's good for your heart and it also keeps Vampires away.  I hate those sparkly ones."


"I am a call girl and believe me, I don't come cheap.  I only accept job offers from cardiologists and get a free EKG with every lay. What can I say ladies?  I'm a compulsive multi-tasker.  It works for me!"

 

"I'd like to tell you it's all of the tofu I eat, but it's probably just all of the dope I smoke to convince myself I can sell my artwork on Etsy."






 P.S. Don't come after my crazy ass ladies. My mother died of a sudden heart attack. Everyone knows comedy has its roots in tragedy. She didn't know the symptoms. See the link above.

Yet ANOTHER Siri Parody (NSWF)

You know how I love them.

FLOTUS Kicks Some Fallon Butt

Can't imagine Laura Bush doing that.   Would love to see Barbara Bush try.

Lawmaker Suggests Maybe Children Should Just Go Ahead and Harvest Their Own Food to Combat Childhood Obesity

Washington, DC – Michelle Obama unveiled her campaign to combat childhood obesity today and she informed us that one in three children is obese in America and that in addition to physical health problems, overweight children can also experience psychological problems and let’s face it - no government is going to pay for a $350 per hour shrink. Not even Obama’s.  The first lady also suggested that even if a child is to consume one vegetable per meal, they can still live to adulthood. She also urged that we make food labels easier to read which is great news for unemployed graphic artists as there are just as many kids who can’t read as kids who can only identify foods that could last so far into the future that they could someday help new and improved species to identify what went wrong with ours.  Childhood obesity is a nationwide epidemic, but how do we keep our children from growing from side to side without sidestepping the need for congressional wallets to continue to grow? A recent study suggested that by merely ditching a daily Dr. Pepper, kiddies could avoid a visit to the doctor, combat the fat and win the battle of the bulge. Schools sell soda to help them reach their budget goals with a lack of state funding, but in a shortcut move to avoiding the necessary funds, one congressman has already come up with a maverick* idea. Wiley Smightenton (R – Mississipp’) suggested, “Mebbe if we had the youngin’s out in the fields picking everah day, they’d get enough exercise so’s they’d be too tired to even eat?  It would be a helluva lot easier on the state budgets than re-hiring all of them PE instructors we’ve been layin’ off.”

*™SSP (Spineless Sarah Palin)