It's Slam the Media Day at U.D.: El Rushbo

New Jersey Residents Demand Governor Christie Displace Flood Waters By Submerging Himself in Them

Paterson, NJ – Flood ravaged New Jersey residents have decided it’s not enough for a Governor just to declare “get the hell off the beach” for the media before a hurricane and are now demanding that Chris Christie step in and use his girth to displace the flood waters caused by Irene.  

Many towns along the Passaic River have been particularly hard hit by flooding and folks are not just sitting back upon their rooftops waiting for President Obama to show up on Sunday to declare it’s a disaster area in person.  One neighborhood organizer, Rocco Battista, told Unsolicited Drivel, “I understand that it’s probably not possible for Christie’s body to function as a damn for da the river after alls the additional rainfall, but me and da neighborhood decided that he certainly could be used to displace da water in folks’ row-houses here in Paterson. I went to community college and I knows all about that there Archimedes' principle.  It doesn’t matta how much Christie weighs, although he’s a fat bastard, don’t get me wrong -  but it’s his humongous mass that could displace alla da water.  Have you seen that bastard?  He’s freaking HUGE.  Anyways, after he sits in everybody’s basements then maybe theys could run a pipe out to a truck send all da water down to those people who really need it in Texas?  But don't be letting that bastard Perry take credit for my idea though. I didn't get it from no prayin'.  I'm what you call a realist. I got losta ideas.  Maybe I should run for Govnah?”

Two GOP Presidential Hopefuls Already Toast Over Global Warming Claims

This week we can add New Jersey governor Chris Christie along with Jon Huntsman to the list of Republicans who will never be president because they believe in climate change.

“Climate change is real,” Christie told reporters. "Human activity plays a role in these changes, and it is impacting our state. Just look at those kids from the Jersey Shore with them tans that look like barbeque sauce."

This shocking admission came on the heels of Presidential hopeful Jon Huntsman tweeting, "To be clear. I believe in evolution and trust scientists on global warming. Call me crazy."

Many Republican strategists have called Huntsman “crazy” after those remarks and are now disappointed in Christie as they had hoped he would be throwing his hat into the presidential ring of 2012 contenders.

Unsolicited Drivel asked our political analyst for comment about the controversy.  He told us, “I’m sure the members of the party that are not so far right they would fall off of the earth were it flat, an ever decreasing number, are feeling let down as they had hoped at some time between cheeseburgers that Christie would declare and balance out the field between the crazies and the Mormons.  He definitely could tip the scales!  And despite his belief in climate change, Christie still could have fit into (tee! hee!) the GOP mold of complete hypocrite as he recently vetoed a New Jersey bill to curb greenhouse gases.  However, both he and Huntsman just burned their chances for the nomination as they seem to be ignoring the fact that the evil industrial polluters causing much of the climate change are usually their biggest campaign donors.  Isn’t that fact printed on the first page of their running for office on the GOP ticket user's manual?”