Time for Muskrat Thug (Chris Christie) TO GO!

Christie Aide Advises Whom to Yell At Next

My stomach is so growling.

Trenton – It’s been bad week for New Jersey Governor (and human hot air balloon) Chris Christie. The week was so bad, that if the GOP had approved Obama’s Surgeon General choice and had the doctor seen a video of Christie eating a pyramid of Cronuts, Dr. Murthy probably would have uttered, “Meh.”  First an asymptomatic nurse he quarantined for Ebola against her will threatened to sue him, and THEN he was caught on camera telling still beleaguered victims of Hurricane Sandy to quote “Shut up and sit down!”  stopping just short of screaming Fuggetaboutit!!!

An aide of Christie’s told Unsolicited Drivel, “Donors to his PAC for his Presidential bid for 2016 were starting to get pissed off over all of his public outbursts and signs of his being more arrogant than Donald Trump... like that's even possible! One of his top advisors suggested if he really wants to win the hearts of the American voters he should try picking on someone his own size. Wait. That’s not feasible.  Apparently the advisor suggested he now only pick on reality TV stars because America loves shouty and self-involved people, so Chris’ personality would mesh perfectly with theirs. As you would guess,  it was suggested that he start with The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Ghost of Henry VIII to Gov. Chris Christie: Thou Art A P*ssy!

Somewhere in Hell -The ghost of King Henry VIII came out swinging today after an MSNBC cable TV news talking head compared him to New Jersey Governor the size of New Jersey Chris Christie.

White House physician Dr. Connie Mariano had expressed concern for Christie’s health should he become president if the GOP doesn’t figure out that they have to run Marco Rubio in 2016 to get anyone who is not white as a KKK hood to vote for them.  Apparently, Governor Christie had the meltdown after being on David Letterman’s talk show bragging about his capacity for gorging on Twinkies and other foods he goes hog wild with, which we must have missed as we were too busy melting down ourselves like a nuclear (nook-u-lear if you are Dubya) power plant.  It’s what we do best around the U.D. offices.

We also love Ouija boards at Unsolicited Drivel and naturally, had to whip ours out to contact the evil king.  Britain’s biggest monarch told us, “This is NOT a weight issue.  Obviously that fat loudmouthed bastard could out eat me in a turkey leg-chomping contest any day of the week.  If he takes the drug Ambien, he could probably do it in his sleep too.  But look at his personal life!  Did he bang one sister and then dump her for the greedier sister in the family and then cut her head off under the assumption she banged her own brother? NO!  Has he sent anyone to a tower lately?  If not, may I suggest a tower somewhere in Elizabeth or Pattterson, New Jersey?  That pussy just talks the talk without walking the walk!  I would command him to get himself to a nunnery, but he’s no match for those penguin bitches.  Look how they don’t drink themselves to death while covering up evil for that Ratzinger bastard's crimes in the Vatican!”

Red Cross to Mitt Romney: Cram Your Creamed Corn

U.S.of A. - While NJ Governor Chris Christie was pressing the flesh with President Obama (after he stopped causing the storm surge during hurricane Sandy by swimming), GOP Presidential hopeful and FEMA hater Mitt Romney was quickly devising a plan to save storm victims with a food drive…which kind of (allegedly) made the folks at  Red Cross want to choke on a corn dog.

An insider at the disaster relief organization anonymously told Unsolicited Drivel, "Uh, we know Mitt's never had to use our compassionate services as he can probably just ride out any storm in his car elevator, but we need financial donations to put the money exactly where it needs to go.  Be it maintaining shelters, feeding people too, but we decide where the money goes based upon urgent needs.  We accepted his truck full of peas and creamed corn just to be nice, but we wouldn't accept the horsehair blankets he had made out of Rafalca after he failed to medal in dressage in the London Olympics.  We love people as much as animals in our organization and in fact, ALL of Mr. Romney's ideas seem inhumane to us.  We don't need the magic Mormon underwear he offered for the victims either.  Perhaps Mr. Romney should not visit the hurricane victims today and just stay home, nice and warm, in one of his many, many houses and stick to handing out $100,000 bars to trick-or treaters tonight? That would be a nice change for him instead of handing out pink slips.  Thanks for letting me vent, U.D.  Dealing with these blowhard politicians after a natural disaster can be dealing like barnyard animals with their heads cut off!"

Chris Christie is Definitely NOT Running for President

But if Chris Christie did become President, he might make some changes on Pennsylvania Avenue.

New Jersey Residents Demand Governor Christie Displace Flood Waters By Submerging Himself in Them

Paterson, NJ – Flood ravaged New Jersey residents have decided it’s not enough for a Governor just to declare “get the hell off the beach” for the media before a hurricane and are now demanding that Chris Christie step in and use his girth to displace the flood waters caused by Irene.  

Many towns along the Passaic River have been particularly hard hit by flooding and folks are not just sitting back upon their rooftops waiting for President Obama to show up on Sunday to declare it’s a disaster area in person.  One neighborhood organizer, Rocco Battista, told Unsolicited Drivel, “I understand that it’s probably not possible for Christie’s body to function as a damn for da the river after alls the additional rainfall, but me and da neighborhood decided that he certainly could be used to displace da water in folks’ row-houses here in Paterson. I went to community college and I knows all about that there Archimedes' principle.  It doesn’t matta how much Christie weighs, although he’s a fat bastard, don’t get me wrong -  but it’s his humongous mass that could displace alla da water.  Have you seen that bastard?  He’s freaking HUGE.  Anyways, after he sits in everybody’s basements then maybe theys could run a pipe out to a truck send all da water down to those people who really need it in Texas?  But don't be letting that bastard Perry take credit for my idea though. I didn't get it from no prayin'.  I'm what you call a realist. I got losta ideas.  Maybe I should run for Govnah?”

Two GOP Presidential Hopefuls Already Toast Over Global Warming Claims

This week we can add New Jersey governor Chris Christie along with Jon Huntsman to the list of Republicans who will never be president because they believe in climate change.

“Climate change is real,” Christie told reporters. "Human activity plays a role in these changes, and it is impacting our state. Just look at those kids from the Jersey Shore with them tans that look like barbeque sauce."

This shocking admission came on the heels of Presidential hopeful Jon Huntsman tweeting, "To be clear. I believe in evolution and trust scientists on global warming. Call me crazy."

Many Republican strategists have called Huntsman “crazy” after those remarks and are now disappointed in Christie as they had hoped he would be throwing his hat into the presidential ring of 2012 contenders.

Unsolicited Drivel asked our political analyst for comment about the controversy.  He told us, “I’m sure the members of the party that are not so far right they would fall off of the earth were it flat, an ever decreasing number, are feeling let down as they had hoped at some time between cheeseburgers that Christie would declare and balance out the field between the crazies and the Mormons.  He definitely could tip the scales!  And despite his belief in climate change, Christie still could have fit into (tee! hee!) the GOP mold of complete hypocrite as he recently vetoed a New Jersey bill to curb greenhouse gases.  However, both he and Huntsman just burned their chances for the nomination as they seem to be ignoring the fact that the evil industrial polluters causing much of the climate change are usually their biggest campaign donors.  Isn’t that fact printed on the first page of their running for office on the GOP ticket user's manual?”