Two GOP Presidential Hopefuls Already Toast Over Global Warming Claims

This week we can add New Jersey governor Chris Christie along with Jon Huntsman to the list of Republicans who will never be president because they believe in climate change.

“Climate change is real,” Christie told reporters. "Human activity plays a role in these changes, and it is impacting our state. Just look at those kids from the Jersey Shore with them tans that look like barbeque sauce."

This shocking admission came on the heels of Presidential hopeful Jon Huntsman tweeting, "To be clear. I believe in evolution and trust scientists on global warming. Call me crazy."

Many Republican strategists have called Huntsman “crazy” after those remarks and are now disappointed in Christie as they had hoped he would be throwing his hat into the presidential ring of 2012 contenders.

Unsolicited Drivel asked our political analyst for comment about the controversy.  He told us, “I’m sure the members of the party that are not so far right they would fall off of the earth were it flat, an ever decreasing number, are feeling let down as they had hoped at some time between cheeseburgers that Christie would declare and balance out the field between the crazies and the Mormons.  He definitely could tip the scales!  And despite his belief in climate change, Christie still could have fit into (tee! hee!) the GOP mold of complete hypocrite as he recently vetoed a New Jersey bill to curb greenhouse gases.  However, both he and Huntsman just burned their chances for the nomination as they seem to be ignoring the fact that the evil industrial polluters causing much of the climate change are usually their biggest campaign donors.  Isn’t that fact printed on the first page of their running for office on the GOP ticket user's manual?”

Hipsters Don’t Have to Fake Disgust as Much Thanks to Heat Wave

New York – Americans were experiencing little relief on this fifth day of a record heat wave, but at least some of them were slightly less put-upon as they didn’t have to fake being pissed off quite so much just to seem cool.

At a local bookstore/coffee house in Brooklyn today hipsters admitted that being pissed off for an entire week courtesy of Mother Nature and her inferno was kind of a decent break from keeping up a façade of everything being bogus if it wasn't already "over." One young man told Unsolicited Drivel, “I have to admit I hated having to ditch my flannel shirt this week, but my head would literally have to be on fire for me to ditch my wool hat too.  It would sort of just go against the unwritten fashion code.  The heat dome or whatever made up term they media is calling it has made it much easier for us to seem pissed off for no reason to the general public though.  My sister’s been enjoying showing off her tats this week so she can make people think she’s more of a bitch than she really is and I’ve almost gotten used to drinking my PBR warm even though I sort of have to gag it down.  So if I find myself hard-up to express total ambivalence or disgust as a situation calls for it this winter, I’ll just heat myself up a can.”