It's Hard to Be a Practical Joker in the Barnes & Noble

Premiere Issue of an Exciting New Magazine for the 1%!

The Conservative Brain Explained

Profiting From Hatred & Bigotry

Who would have ever believed before Limbaugh, people could get a gig like that?

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I Wonder if They Were Border's Employees?

I used to work in a book store and people would come in and say stuff like they were looking for a book "that was blue" and expect me to know the exact title and/or author (Celestine Prophecy.  I actually can read minds).  Sorry to see Border's go, but at least Wal-Mart still sells books which means one can always move Glenn Beck's books to the douche section.  Or engage my personal favorite pastime - moving the Bush administration's books to the True Crime section. I have to do it a library though because being a starving satirist, I can't afford to buy books :\

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Ad Agencies Warn Clients Glenn Beck May Run Out of People to Offend

New York - Media buying experts have warned advertisers this week that it’s more than entirely possible that radio personality Glenn Beck may run out of people to offend and lose all of his listeners that buy junky stuff and gold coin scams.

At the tail end of Beck’s “Restoring Courage” event he held in Israel for some reason, the blowhard said "I love the Israelis. I love the Jewish people. But they drive me out of my mind when they talk over each other. They're constantly talking! I don't know how that society even functions."

When asked about Beck’s latest and greatest, one Madison Avenue expert stated, “I don’t think we have a complete list of everyone he’s insulted and/or offended.  We’re still waiting on our fact checker to get back to us on all of his offenses.  Controversy builds ratings.   Beck does it with asinine rhetoric, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen a bigot burn through so many ethic groups outside of a Klansman in the Deep South.  Be that as it may, he’s still going to run out of groups to offend and unless aliens arrive and try to colonize Earth for him to make offensive remarks about, I can’t recommended in good conscience buying ads on his show much past this calendar year.”

Glenn Beck Blasted for Being Glenn Beck (And Japan Comments Too)

New York – Celebrities and the media in the U.S. let loose a firestorm of criticism on Fox News opinion presenter Glenn Beck this week after his comments about the devastating earthquake in Japan being a message from an angry God.

The disaster has left 10,000 people missing and has claimed at least 3,400 lives, with Beck's critics hoping it will claim at least one more life, by them humiliating him into an early grave. 

Actress, author, talk show host and authority on everything Whoopi Goldberg said of Beck’s rambling tale of vengeful doom, "If this is because we're misbehaving and God is pissed (angry), I would check the mirror, Glenn."  Her co-host Joy Behar also slammed Beck, and many newspapers, including the San Francisco Chronicle had choice words about him as well, with the Chronicle going as far as to refer to his comments as ‘religious wackery.”

When reached for comment, God told us, “It’s true that if Glenn looked in the mirror, he wouldn’t see an example of my best work. Come to think of it, Gilbert Gottfried, 50 Cent and that idiot Pamela Internet troll girl, the other clueless turds who made inappropriate comments about the Japan tragedy, fall into that category too.   But anybody can have their off days, and I apologize for creating those duds.  And you’re probably going to really end up hating me when you end up giving them their own reality TV show together. You know you probably will.  Too bad I can’t hate you guys for drilling into the earth’s core in the greedy pursuit of cheap energy and very likely causing the quake in the first place.  The earth’s my greatest creation, you know.  But I can’t hate you all.  I’m too much of the forgiving type.”

Glenn Beck Upset That Charlie Sheen Seems to Have Stolen His Corner on Crazy

New York – Fox News host and self-proclaimed rodeo clown Glenn Beck has grave cause for concern.  Ever since his “Restoring Honor” rally in August, he has lost a third of his audience, and now he may be losing the corner on crazy too -- and the latter dilemma is all thanks to sitcom star Charlie Sheen.

Beck has been dropped in both New York and Philadelphia radio markets – two of the biggest – and Fox News is rumored to be now contemplating a future without him when his contact comes up for renewal in December.

Over the weekend, troubled-one-dimensional-actor™ Charlie Sheen began broadcasting via the Internet on UStream, and there already seem to be eerie similarities to Beck’s show, causing this reporter to believe that Beck should INDEED be concerned.

Unsolicited Drivel spoke with our media analyst for comment about the possibility of Charlie Sheen as the new Glenn Beck.  He told us:

“First let’s examine some Beck comments from the past and how they can relate to Sheen:

Beck: ‘You know, we all have our inner demons. I, for one — I can't speak for you, but I'm on the verge of moral collapse at any time. It can happen by the end of the show.’

It would appear that NOBODY has more inner demons than Charlie Sheen, and Sheen has already made the leap to infotainment via his UStream show, Sheen’s Korner.  I can’t say how many viewers Sheen has for sure, but new comments from them were showing up via Twitter roughly every nanosecond.

Beck: ‘You can get rich making fun of me. I know. I've made lots of money making fun of me.’

Charlie Sheen seems more than capable of laughing at himself.  He’s also already printed millions of t-shirts and other merchandise in his likeness for others to laugh right along with him on his way to the bank.

On Sheen’s latest UStream broadcast he stated, ‘I’m gonna write my sermons, [and] I’m gonna deliver them like truth torpedoes.’   Sounds familiar, doesn’t it?  Interesting choice of the word ‘sermon’ as you told me yourself U.D. that while you were attending Beck’s rally last August and mixing in undercover with his followers, it seemed more like attending ‘Jonestown Lite’ than any rally to restore honor OR morality.

So, is Beck’s concern about Sheen replacing him really valid?  Well, let’s take a look at the five star qualities needed most:

Charlie Sheen is:
1.    A conspiracy theorist – check!
2.    Paranoid – check!
3.    A self-deprecating clown – check!
4.    A megalomaniac – check!
5.    A complete and total douchebag – check!

In conclusion, I think it’s safe to say that if Sheen adds a chalkboard to his broadcasts this week and starts speaking in air quotes, that Beck can declare his early retirement and Sheen can expect a call from Roger Ailes at Fox simultaneously.”

Glenn Beck Wants to Tea Party With Oprah

When CNN’s new Piers Morgan Tonight aired last night, while most viewers were realizing the various challenges that made Oprah Winfrey the overachiever she is today, radio clown Glenn Beck was hoping to add her to his circle of cronies.

Oprah was discussing the necessary evil of paying taxes and indicated that early on, she signed the IRS checks while sipping wine, but now it’s more likely she has to chug Tequila to get her John Hancock scrawled. 

This revelation led simpleton Beck to think that he and lady “O” could be new B.F.F.s, as he indicated that if only he didn’t have to pay taxes for say, infrastructure, roads, things like that, he’d be as generous and charitable as Oprah.  “She gets it,” he blubbered with glee.  In an effort to further decrease his credibility, Beck also took the time to make a moronic comment about proposed high-speed “bullet” trains* (to be paid for with HIS taxes) inciting violence.

Unsolicited Drivel caught up with Oprah’s camp about Beck’s fantasy that he could share something in common with the legitimate media professional.  They told us, “Oprah might sigh about getting writer's cramp signing IRS checks, but like most rational people, she’s a huge fan of roads, fire departments, and social services in general.  We’re not sure she even knows who Glenn Beck is, but if she were to become aware of him and realize he was comparing himself to her, she’d probably order a case of Patron and then offer to pay Glenn's taxes as well just to get him to shut the hell up.”


*People in the Washington, DC area have the longest daily commute outside of Los Angeles Glenn, leading to me to believe we would be more than okay putting our tax dollars toward your violent "bullet" trains you dip-shit.