Lindsay Lohan: Charlie Sheen Will NOT Be My Mentor!

No wining for Lilo...?

Los Angeles – Sources close to soon-to-be-porn-star actress Lindsay Lohan say she is grateful to fellow one-dimensional actor Charlie Sheen for his recent financial assistance, but she would like him to STFU already about claiming to be her “mentor.”

A pal of Sheen told Unsolicited Drivel, “After all Charlie has done for her lately, it’s kind of a slap to his ‘winning’ face.  It’s really too bad. Charlie’s quite the survivor, as you know.  He had planned to help her make over her image and now she’s sounding off like a ungrateful little skank and he’s really concerned she’ll end up like one of his porn star ‘goddesses’ even though Charlie wouldn’t touch Lindsay with a biohazard suit on.  Oh well.  I guess she’ll never learn how to amazingly avoid rehab for years on end; how to maintain an intact septum while never giving up coke; or how to make it look accidental when you shoot your main squeeze in the arm. If Lindsay would agree to lock herself in a in a hotel bathroom while he screams at her like a lunatic from outside to get his violence fix, I think there would be no hard feelings on Charlie’s part.”

Lindsay Lohan Demands Dismissal of Case; Claims She Was Never Read Her "Carmen Miranda Rights"

Huh? What?

Los Angeles – Soon-to-be porn star Lindsay Lohan’s new lawyer is seeking to file a dismissal in Lindsay’s case where she has been charged with lying to cops after playing musical Porsche chairs with her assistant on the grounds that the “actress” wasn’t read her “Carmen Miranda Rights” according to her.

Lohan is being charged with lying to cops after crashing her rented car on the Pacific Coast Highway because she was too busy texting friends for believable excuses to call in sick to the set of a TV film equivalent of a nuclear bomb – Liz and Dick.  Then she kissed a tractor-trailer with her sport car’s grille.  She then allegedly made her assistant take the fall for her (as is in his job description).

But Lohan’s attorney Mark Heller is not getting off on the right foot.  We’re not sure if he’s getting off on the left foot, or even has feet at all.  A source told Unsolicited Drivel, “His first failure was in not clarifying that Miranda rights have nothing to do with a South American singer/dancer wearing a hat covered with fruit.  Not his biggest problem really.  Representing an entitled, clueless bitch is. But the cops didn’t take Lindsay into custody and concentrated on interviewing eye witnesses who claimed they saw exactly what happened as they usually don’t take their bump of cocaine until AFTER work and the accident was around 9AM.  Heller’s also been trying to influence the judges outside of court – a HUGE no-no even though when they do send someone of  Lindsay's ilk to jail it’s only for about 15 minutes.  I hope this mess gets cleared up soon so Lindsay can prepare for avoiding her next lawsuit – being sued by her stylist for playing Edward Scissorhands with her borrowed amFAR event dress worth nearly two thousand dollars. As of now, Charlie Sheen has offered to pay for HALF the dress. Maybe he'll pay for the other half after she bangs him when she appears on his series Anger Management?”

Lindsay Lohan Has FINALLY Thanked Charlie Sheen for Tax Loan

You didn't get those crabs from ME!!

Hollywood - What better way to say "thank you" than to say it with flowers?  Troubled starlet Lindsay Lohan, who recently had her bank accounts seized by the IRS, has FINALLY thanked one-dimensional fellow actor Charlie Sheen for his recent $100k loan for her to partially pay the IRS her back taxes.

Sheen and Lohan met on the set of Scary Movie 5,  a franchise which was already long dead, so Unsolicited Drivel was told that the casting of Lohan and Sheen seemed like a natural to producers.

Sheen had publicly been griping about Lohan's lack of gratitude lately, possibly on Twitter. Who knows as he deletes and reinstates his account more often that most people take a pee.  Anyway, he allegedly wrote something like, "that little ginger skank is such an ingrate, I wouldn't even snort blow off of her ass and lock her in a hotel bathroom!"

Lohan got wind of Sheen's angry outburst and quickly remedied the situation by having her on again/off again assistant Gavin send flowers and a thank you note to Charlie's Bel Air mansion because she couldn't Tweet a half hearted "thank you" because her fingers were down her throat.

We got a look at the thank you card and are pretty sure Lindsay had that perv photographer, you know, the one who will eventually shoot an underage model with a gun up her lady parts?  What's his name?  Oh yeah, Tyler Shields!  We think Shields helped Lindsay create the card:

As for which flower shop it was in Hollywood that created the "I'm sorry for being a self-involved a-hole" arrangement, we don't know which one it was, but we'd sure as hell like to find out!

“Two and a Half Men” Actor Angus T. Jones Can’t Wait to Be Unemployed

Take my job...please!

Los Angeles – Yet another actor, this time one who is not snorting coke off of a hooker's butt and may or may not have pubes yet, has come out and criticized the sitcom "Two and a Half Men"– this time as “filth.” And not just because of having to wear goofy bowling shirts that make him look like a drugged out/sex-crazed version of “Seinfeld’s” Kramer while still collecting an astronomical paycheck, whereas the Kramer character actor was paid in fruit. Allegedly.

Angus T. Jones, whose youngster character Jake Harper has joined the Army in season 9 so he cannot be all that he can be but get paid for it, recently slammed the cash cow/sexist sitcom after making it clear he’s found God.  This is the second time that producer Chuck Lorre has had a cast-mate of “Men” bite the hand that feeds them clean off (see: Charlie Sheen meltdown of 2011) but Unsolicited Drivel has been assured that Mr. Lorre has a closet full of prosthetic hands for just such cases of insubordination.

A Hollywood insider on the “Men” set told us more about Jones’ remarks stating, “I guess collecting a huge paycheck for catering to the lowest common denominator is not was Jesus would do. Hey, I’m not actually sure Jesus collected a paycheck at all.  He probably worked pro-bono.  Kirk Cameron tried to fill the void for ‘God Squad Actor whose opinion shouldn't matter but is on a morality rampage regardless' earlier this year, but nobody really remembers his series ‘Growing Pains’ because they didn’t have any sexual innuendo so he couldn’t get his paranoia across.  But if Angus really wants to live up to Kirk’s example he’ll also have to become a homophobe – which would be bad for the gays, but give the make-up and costume crew an excuse to finally give him the nickname ‘Anus’ which they've putting off doing for 9 seasons already.”

Is Ashton Kutcher Already Causing Trouble on “Men?”

Los Angeles -Dude! Where are my dividends?!? Is Ashton Kutcher using CBS to inflate his stock portfolio? After the second Two and a Half Men episode he starred in last Monday, some on the set seem to think so.

Kutcher used unpaid product placement in a scene featuring stickers all over his laptop of tech companies he’s an investor in, including Foursquare, Flipboards, Hipmunk, and Chegg.  And now CBS honchos are allegedly furious.

An insider on the hit sitcom told Unsolicited Drivel, “I guess we didn’t realize we were hiring a complete shill and it truly was a conflict of interest. I don’t think Charlie Sheen ever would have pulled a stunt like that. Granted, his hands would probably have been too shaky to peel the adhesive off the stickers, but I still don’t think he would have flashed logos for whatever companies he invests in, like manufacturers for condoms, lube, dental veneers, big tobacco, or whatever. I confronted Ashton about it and he claimed he wasn’t aware that CBS charged for product placement and that he also wanted to make it obvious that he spent all of last weekend decorating the set of Men to line his pockets on the sly and not cheating on Demi Moore for their anniversary. He said he’d cut it out. But if he doesn’t I’m confident that somewhere in the fine print of his contract it has a no strings attached clause.”

Two and a Half Men Plot Leaked – Charlie Dies!

Los Angeles – It looks like scorned producer Chuck Lorre will add some extra chuckles to his laugh track by killing off his foe Charlie Sheen’s character in the first episode of season nine of Two and a Half Men.

An inside source claimed, “We tossed around ideas of how Charlie’s character could end up tasting his own blood and we went with a fiery car crash.  He will be driven to near madness due to a case of drug resistant crabs he gets from sleeping around.  It will rob him of all his creativity and his sense of humor so that he can no longer compose crap-ass jingles for insane amounts of money.  It will be a suspected suicide."

As for how the Ashton Kutcher character will fit in, the source further speculated, “I think we're leaning toward Alan making plans to sell the house for a fresh start, but then discovering that Charlie has mortgaged it to the hilt to pay for whores and he will be under water if he sells it in the current market.  He decides to take the loss and sell it to Ashton’s character, who will be a former B-List movie star that after starring in a succession of Katherine Heigel films, gets demoted to the D-List and starring with Jennifer Love Hewitt on Lifetime and Oxygen channels. At the closing for the house, Alan will slam the car door on his hand out of frustration and doctors will tell him he’ll never be able to work as a chiropractor again.  Ashton feels sorry for Alan, now homeless, and offers to let him stay in the house with him.  Alan agrees provided that Ashton will continue on with Charlie’s legacy of teaching his son Jake to grow up too fast, be obnoxious and disrespect women.”

Wow - Check Out This Personal Ad I Just Found on Craig's List!

I wonder whose it could be?

Glenn Beck Upset That Charlie Sheen Seems to Have Stolen His Corner on Crazy

New York – Fox News host and self-proclaimed rodeo clown Glenn Beck has grave cause for concern.  Ever since his “Restoring Honor” rally in August, he has lost a third of his audience, and now he may be losing the corner on crazy too -- and the latter dilemma is all thanks to sitcom star Charlie Sheen.

Beck has been dropped in both New York and Philadelphia radio markets – two of the biggest – and Fox News is rumored to be now contemplating a future without him when his contact comes up for renewal in December.

Over the weekend, troubled-one-dimensional-actor™ Charlie Sheen began broadcasting via the Internet on UStream, and there already seem to be eerie similarities to Beck’s show, causing this reporter to believe that Beck should INDEED be concerned.

Unsolicited Drivel spoke with our media analyst for comment about the possibility of Charlie Sheen as the new Glenn Beck.  He told us:

“First let’s examine some Beck comments from the past and how they can relate to Sheen:

Beck: ‘You know, we all have our inner demons. I, for one — I can't speak for you, but I'm on the verge of moral collapse at any time. It can happen by the end of the show.’

It would appear that NOBODY has more inner demons than Charlie Sheen, and Sheen has already made the leap to infotainment via his UStream show, Sheen’s Korner.  I can’t say how many viewers Sheen has for sure, but new comments from them were showing up via Twitter roughly every nanosecond.

Beck: ‘You can get rich making fun of me. I know. I've made lots of money making fun of me.’

Charlie Sheen seems more than capable of laughing at himself.  He’s also already printed millions of t-shirts and other merchandise in his likeness for others to laugh right along with him on his way to the bank.

On Sheen’s latest UStream broadcast he stated, ‘I’m gonna write my sermons, [and] I’m gonna deliver them like truth torpedoes.’   Sounds familiar, doesn’t it?  Interesting choice of the word ‘sermon’ as you told me yourself U.D. that while you were attending Beck’s rally last August and mixing in undercover with his followers, it seemed more like attending ‘Jonestown Lite’ than any rally to restore honor OR morality.

So, is Beck’s concern about Sheen replacing him really valid?  Well, let’s take a look at the five star qualities needed most:

Charlie Sheen is:
1.    A conspiracy theorist – check!
2.    Paranoid – check!
3.    A self-deprecating clown – check!
4.    A megalomaniac – check!
5.    A complete and total douchebag – check!

In conclusion, I think it’s safe to say that if Sheen adds a chalkboard to his broadcasts this week and starts speaking in air quotes, that Beck can declare his early retirement and Sheen can expect a call from Roger Ailes at Fox simultaneously.”

Safeguard Yourself From Unhinged Celebrities

It's important to take precautions in avoiding obscenely overpaid egomaniacs losing their grips on reality to maintain one's own sanity.  Some celebrities are more of a danger than others.  Find out the level of their threat with our handy chart: