Who Will Herman Cain Touch Tomorrow?

I have a feeling his wife will be touching him first.

Cynical Lizard is Raising Cain!

Herman Cain Has Harassed NONE of These People

Maybe.

Herman Cain Sexual Harassment Ad - watch more funny videos

Crazy is the Flavor Republicans Never Tire Of

Herman Cain’s Campaign Promises with Mike Tyson from Mike Tyson

Cynical Minds Want To Know

This Must Be a Picture of One of Herman Cain's Secret Meetings With the Evil Koch Brothers!

At least I think those are the Koch Brothers behind Herman.

Who is More Likeable Than Herman Cain?

Even though sexual harassment in the restaurant business is as prevalent as abuse of a certain substance often confused with powdered sugar, GOP presidential hopeful Herman Cain’s likeability factor seems to be dropping like a hot potato since three women have come forward to accuse him of making inappropriate remarks.  That being said, we asked our Unsolicited Drivel readers who they thought was more likeable today than Herman Cain. Here is what they told us:

Herman Cain Was Unaware of Sexual Harassment Allegations as He Was Unaware He Was Running for President

Mentally, I'm scratching my head.

Stockbridge, GA - Herman Cain can explain: He was unaware that allegations about his past inappropriate behavior would come to light, because he was unaware that he was actually running for president.  Yes, you read that correctly.

A spokesperson for Cain’s camp who we can only refer to as “extra special assistant to smoking man” told Unsolicited Drivel, “Herman never, ever thought he’d get this far along in the campaign, so he never expected to be vetted by the press on the Internets.  Seriously. The 9-9-9 Plan was just a gimmick dreamed up by an Atlanta boutique branding agency we hired.  If Herman had truly believed he’d rise this high in the polls, I’m sure he would have tried to remember that incident in question while he was at the National Restaurant Association. The one where he commented on a female co-worker’s height as to how it compared to her chest circumference.  We have now explained to Herman that yesterday’s hubbub wasn’t a witch hunt just because it was Halloween, but because he’s still not Mitt Romney and that’s very appealing to the GOP. We really thought by this point in the game Herman would have a new job in his long line of many, many, many jobs - maybe be the new CEO of the Olive Garden, and he’d continue on with his tradition of a non-Italian totally ruining Italian food and merely harassing America's taste buds. Wow! I guess all we need to do now is put a Ronald Reagan wig on him and we’ll have the nomination delivered faster than flavor-free pizza."

Herman Cain is Spooky!!

Yes, I am still obsessed with his demonic smile.

He Could Probably Freak on You

Give a woodchuck a tuna melt!

Yoko Ono Denies Herman Cain Rights to Use “Revolution 9” in Campaign

New York – John Lennon’s widow Yoko Ono has denied GOP frontrunner Herman Cain the rights to use her late husband’s “Revolution 9” song to try and sell his economic plan to the youth at Occupy Wall Street.

Cain came under fire last week when he implied that if an American was unemployed they should blame themselves – not the government.  His campaign has been trying to do damage control ever since.  

A spokesperson for Cain’s camp told Unsolicited Drivel, “Herman realized that many of the unemployed protesters are equally burdened by debt from student loans.  Then he decided to do what no Republican candidate has ever done before – appeal to young people.  As we saw 99%’ers on TV rolling their own cigarettes in Zuccotti Park, we tried to garner their favor by having Chief of Staff Mark Block smoke during our latest campaign ad they could watch on the Internets.  Unfortunately, because Herman’s smile looked downright demonic at the end of the commercial, it fell flat.  Even the Goth focus group gave it black nail-polished thumbs down.  Then we saw Sean Lennon show up to sing with the protesters and it hit us like a ton of bricks!  These kids want a revolution and Herman wants to promote the number 9 for his economic plan. Then we immediately made the call to Yoko Ono to ask for the rights to "Revolution  9."  Unfortunately, we didn’t realize Yoko studies economics as a hobby and already knew our 9-9-9 plan was just a gimmick.  However, she did reveal that John Lennon was no fan of big, intrusive government and she offered to scream like a banshee over a disco version of Yankee Doodle Dandy at the Republican convention if we need her to.”

Herman Cain is Surging in the Polls

Really. Last check he was at 30% to Mitt Romney's 22%.

Herman Cain Offers to Deprogram" Brainwashed" Black Voters

Current GOP  frontrunner in the 2012 Presidential race, Herman Cain (or “Herb” as he’s known to Sarah Palin), is catching heat this morning after appearing on CNN and claiming that at least two-thirds of black American voters have been “brainwashed” into voting Democratic.  A stunned Wolf Blizter seemed taken aback at Cain’s assertion, but Cain stood his ground on the subject.

And just this morning, we’ve found out that Cain has a self-help book just about to roll off the presses to “de-program” these black voters in plenty of time before next November.  We even have the book cover design below:

Get your pre-order in today on Amazon!

Rick Perry Announces 6-6-6 Tax Plan to Counter Herman Cain’s 9-9-9

While President Obama was dining at a fundraiser with Lady Gaga over the weekend, Texas Governor Rick Perry’s campaign was struggling to do damage control after Herman Cain’s surprise win Saturday in the Florida straw poll in the GOP 2012 presidential race.

It’s unclear whether it was Cain’s perhaps overly simplistic tax reform plan that caused the poll upset, or front-runner Perry having taken a beating at the GOP debate last Thursday night.

Unsolicited Drivel checked in with the Perry campaign for comment.  Their rep told us, “Rick certainly did get a verbal tongue lashing* Thursday night over his wantin’ to be able to teach them illegal babies how to learn English in the Texas school system.  They're already anchors for their parents after being born here and we don’t want ‘em just to become a dead weight on society’s shoulders if they can’t figure out what we want on our tacos or how short to trim our hedges.  Cain seems to be onto something with his simple tax plan as it definitely appealed to simpletons.  Problem is, that while job creators and workers might be okay with the 9% tax on businesses and personal income, I don’t think they’d approve of a 9% sales tax on anything.   We thought about it and decided 7% was too reminiscent of Seagram’s 7, which would become unaffordable for most with Cain’s sales tax and 8 sounds too much like ‘ate’ as in to eat and people don’t want to reminded they ain’t got enough food.  So we propose the 6-6-6 plan.  Now I know you’re thinking that sounds like something Satan would propose and it does seem like he’s been governing Texas instead of Rick as of late, but everybody knows that in reality, Rick’s damn near got the Lord on speed dial.  6 is just 9 upside down and we gotta upend Cain's campaign. So as long as the religious conservative voters who don’t care about crumbling infrastructure due the deficit don’t confuse the number six with the word ‘sex,’ I think the Perry campaign might have a winnin’ strategy on our hands.”

*A worse verbal lashing than Bristol Palin after riding a mechanical bull.