One American States: Koch Brothers Should Switch to Selling Cocaine

Not the REAL Kochs, but how we assume they look...

Washington, DC - One American insisted recently that the Koch brothers, Charles and David, who typically sell products to wipe your ass (toilet paper), would probably do the nation more good by selling something that matched the pronunciation of their name - coke - (aka) cocaine.

An associate of theirs that works at the Libertarian affiliated Cato Institute told Unsolicited Drivel, "Hey, if we had any idea that the Tea Party would end up to be filled with a bunch of lard-ass, assassins of the English language AND Michele Bachmann, I'm pretty sure Chuck and Dave would have thought twice about being the chief financial backers.  They can spell and even string sentences together despite being just professional inheritors.  In fact,  now they have decided to just stick to voter intimidation at their paper plants (even if everyone can't speak English), and the various other b'jillion industries they still own which enable them to try to brainwash the American public at will.  Funny story…I'm only working at the Cato Institute because I was busted for doing coke and couldn't become a lawyer!  Four years of snorting blow through college because I'm not cool in real life down the drain.  Plus, I still have to hang out with cement heads everyday…which is EXACTLY like having a coke hangover.  All things considered, I wish the Koch brothers would actually switch to selling coke. How great would that branding be, baby?!?  They could still sell plenty of tissues from their paper plants and everyone in the Tea Party might seem more intellectual.  Except for Bachmann, of course."

Romney Shockingly Cast to Play Himself in Movie Biopic!

What politician is more flexible than an 11th level Yoga master? Which Republican presidential candidate has chapped forefingers from holding them up to the wind every time he is asked to say anything? Which well known political figure is the winner of the 100-yard flip-flop? If you guessed Mitt Romney, you're right!  The chameleon-like Republican, who is able to alter his opinion and personality to fit the room he's in, be it a roomful of rabid tea-partiers, moderate Republicans (those who are ok with abortion if the mother was raped by her cousin and her life is also in danger), or a bunch of Yiddish-speaking rabbis, is so remarkable in not having an opinion different from whomever he is talking to, has now been tapped to be in a movie.

Woody Allen will direct "Romnig," the sequel to his 1983 film Zelig, about a character who wants to fit in so badly that he changes his physical appearance and personality to look like whomever he happens to be standing next to. The famous child-bride-having geriatric Director said the idea came from a news story he read which quoted an ex-Romney campaign staffer about a phone call which was made to Romney by one of his top donors, Herbert "Gummo" Koch (the lost Koch brother). When Romney answered the phone Gummo said "Hello, is this Mitt?", to which Romney reportedly replied "Do you want me to be Mitt or do you want me to not be Mitt? 'Cause really, I can go either way." "When I read that," the wife-betraying pervertic Filmmaker said, "I knew I had to make a sequel to Zelig, the one film I always felt deserved it, but which I could not figure out a way to do."

The maker-of-movies-starring-beautiful-women-who-somehow-end-up-being-his-girlfriends-despite-his-being-a-toady-little-mysogynistic-dwarf first tried to get Phillip Seymour Hoffman, known for playing the same Phillip-Semour-Hoffmanlike character in every movie to play Romney, but Hoffman was busy in an off-Broadway production of The Life and Same Times of Lee Majors, a major new play about the famously wooden actor, but finally worked out a deal to just use Romney himself from the approximately 2 million YouTube clips quoting his flips and flops. "New technology is an amazing thing," the hobbit-like-and-creepy-shriveled-lech Allen said. The Romney camp is considering suing or not suing, depending on an opinion poll due out tomorrow.

Cynical Minds Want To Know

This Must Be a Picture of One of Herman Cain's Secret Meetings With the Evil Koch Brothers!

At least I think those are the Koch Brothers behind Herman.

FEMA Admits it Didn’t Order Sham-Wows! in Time for Hurricane Irene Clean Up

As it became painfully evident that the U.S. can’t rely on its government maintaining its infrastructure to thwart the destruction of a major hurricane after Katrina, alternative measures have been taken since then.  And now, not too surprisingly, the federal agency responsible for damage control, FEMA, has come out publicly and announced today that it didn’t order the Sham-Wows! in time for the clean up after Hurricane Irene.

Irene is the first major hurricane expected to make landfall in the U.S. since 2008 and forecasters believe it will cause many east coast elitists to have to kayak to the Starbucks™ over this weekend due to the aforementioned lack of shammys.

A spokesperson for the disaster management agency told us, “It’s bad.  Hide your kids; hide your wife.  I thought of hurricane clean up with the Sham-Wows! after I realized they were good for more than just soaking up pet-pee when I tore off the spigot to a box of Franzia in a rage over a recent government furlough announcement.  We ordered them by the truckload weeks ago, but that company must be shipping them via some overseas plant where they are still waiting for drug lords to load their heroin into the false bottoms of the boxes or something as they never got here in time.  If we had a Libertarian in the White House we could rely on the Koch brothers to supply paper towels.  As it stands now, the east coast is pretty much screwed.”