Open Carry Proponent Disappointed People Didn't Notice He Was an Insecure Prick

Deer Tick, VA - A local man and enthusiastic proponent of open carry gun laws was disappointed today when nobody looked at him like he was a total ammosexual prick.

Cletus Jackson told Unsolicited Drivel,  "Man. I can't believe it! This state invented open carry. That's how you make laws, right? Invent them? I don't believe in no science though. Men didn't evolve from no monkeys. Despite what people say about my idol, Donald Trump. I drove all over this town and nobody noticed me. Everybody else was wearing guns they also bought without background checks and I just blended in like all the other white people here. Should have never gone into that Panera Breads. Everybody looking at them computer tablets. What's Focaccia bread? Sounds socialist to me. Too bad we don't have no gay-hatin' bakeries here. I would have been be heralded as a local hero in there. They's always be wanting equal rights like marrying their own cousins. But what gay would hang out here? I don't know what they do? Is there a store that sells rainbow unicorns? My brother who never married nobody suggested that maybe. Don't know why he used one of them there bedazzlers on his KKK hood though. Hope he bought them rhinestones at the Hobby Lobby. I'd check the Yahoo for the real story 'bout those rainbow unicorns on my AOL account, but I blew off my opposable thumbs.

Revealed! Republicans’ Secret Plan to Repeal Women's Right to Vote!

*hiccup*

Washington, DC – Unsolicited Drivel has uncovered a shocking scoop less than a week before Election Day!!! You’re welcome.  How did we discover this news? Simple. We had interns sneak through trash from offices of representatives from those states that like to give women the trans vaginal probe for fun and profit.

After tiring of seeing protest signs with slogans like, “If I want a politician in my vagina, I'll f*ck one!” Republicans are now in secret talks via email to repeal the 19th Amendment. One email stated the signs got on the GOP’s nerves even more if the poster board was purchased at a Hobby Lobby store.

Even though they’ve never read Article V from the Constitution (or any of it so it seems), they believe they have a solid plan. Here it is. Leaked just for you!

The plan is to have Karl Rove rig the midterm elections (His favorite pastime. Other than eating ice cream on a ribeye steak.) so the Republicans can take the Senate. Then they will have Governor-Dr.-Boy Bobby Jindal develop a top secret serum (even though they believe he paid some other Asian dude to take his MCATs and final exams) to put in the mouthy lady house members Starbucks (all of them) so they vote "yay" on repealing the 19th Amendment because they’ve just been essentially “rufied.” Now for keeping the rest of America’s women in their place… they are going to try and convince the fine folks from School House Rock to participate in aggressive ad campaign with subliminal messages about a woman’s place being in the kitchen and preferably pregnant with a child they will starve later. They plan to finance the television commercial time by acquiring Sarah Palin’s PAC money she’s constantly been spending on herself by repeatedly telling her how right purty she is.