No Escape for Ann Curry From NBC Contract as Lauer Works for Satan

Zuck you, Matt!

New York – Bad news for NBC news' most loyal employee (possibly ever) Ann Curry as due to her co-worker Matt Lauer’s association with Satan, she will not be let out of her contract to go to CNN.

Former top NBC Executive Jeff Zucker is now in charge of CNN and rumored to be wanting to put Ann Curry as anchor into the high profile 8PM time slot which Anderson Cooper currently holds.  It is unclear what Cooper’s plans are but we are told he will remain with the network.  There is also a rumor floating around that the Bravo channel is developing a reality show for Cooper where Kathy Griffin can dry-hump him full time while reminding him constantly that his mom, Gloria Vanderbilt, likes Kathy better. Fans of Cooper would likely be thrilled with a show like that as being with Griffin is the only time Cooper ever has any color in his face.

An insider at “The Today Show” told Unsolicited Drivel, "Jeff was at the helm of  'Today' back in its ratings heyday.  He also brought NBC the 'Friends'  spin-off  'Joey' and is still apologizing to his colleagues to this day for that must-flee TV.  However, I have been told that Matt Lauer is really one of Satan’s Little Helpers.  You may or may not be aware, but the helpers must be made out of flesh and bone.  Anyway, when Ann signed her last contract she didn’t realize it was a deal with the devil that Matt had helped draft.  So I suppose the only way she will be able to leave NBC is if Matt leaves this earth to join his boss in Hell.  Ah, well.  Maybe she’ll get lucky and Roker will start slipping arsenic into the cooking segments when Matt is sampling the food.”

(For: AbbyJ)

Cher to Chris Hayes: Baby, I'm Yours!

Will you be mine?

Malibu, CA - According to an inside source (BFF Kathy Griffin...allegedly), original pop diva and night-long Tweeter, Cher, is truly, madly sweet on one of the most mentally-stable-seeming cable TV news hosts - MSNBC's Chris Hayes.

The source told one of the national tabloids (that usually doesn't just make shit up), "Between Vegas shows, constantly saying, 'I'm Cher, bitch I don't (insert menial task here) ',  spending all night on Twitter ranting about the GOP, she spends a lot of time telling me how much she would like really like to do Chris Hayes.  She lost her taste for rock stars years ago and is no longer interested in bagel bakers.  In fact, Cher's never even eaten a carb.  But oh, if only Chris wasn't married!  She feels she could make him BELIEVE in love with her!  She's' a little long in the tooth for him though. She'd would have gone for Anderson Cooper, but Cher's nobody's beard and I don't know if you've noticed, but he's kind of a dork."

Hayes has not replied to the rumor about Cher's alleged crush.  When reached for comment, Hayes' MSNBC co-worker Chris Matthews told Unsolicited Drivel, "I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY CHER WOULDN'T CRUSH ON ME! I'M JUST AS LIBERAL AS SHE IS AND MY GENERATION IS MORE LIKELY TO CHEAT ON THEIR SPOUSE!!"

Also reached for comment, was one long-time pop music fan who stated, "If Cher wants to 'Turn Back Time' so to speak, if she succeeds could she please use those talon fingernails of hers to claw to death the person who invented AutoTune?"