Man Tries to Commit Suicide to Avoid Today Show Coverage

My wax job is better than yours!

New York – Now that Today host Matt Lauer has finally figured out Twitter six years after the rest of the Earth, he tweeted a disturbing message about a man slitting his wrists on the plaza outside The Today Show this morning!

The plaza had to be evacuated and the NYPD accomplished securing it very quickly and saved remaining  fans from the rest of the Thursday broadcast.

Unsolicited Drivel caught up with the suicide attempter, who spoke to us on condition of anonymity.  While waiting to be ignored in the emergency room he told us, “People are rioting in Turkey over plans to turn their equivalent of Central Park, Gezi Park, into a shopping mall and being clubbed like baby seals by police and the Today producers have that Giardia de Laurentiis or whatever the hell that bobble-head chef's name is making carrot cake cupcakes with Pesto cream cheese frosting while Savannah Guthrie and Natalie Morales have a leg-wax-off contest dangling their gams off the sofa while they all hope for another tornado so they can put on their frowny faces. Then when they got to the fourth hour and I saw Kathie-Lee do the equivalent of a beer bong with Chardonnay, I just snapped like a twig.  What can I say? Other than maybe they should pave over Today and put up a parking lot. Good Morning America is going to need more parking spots when they add more fans.”

(For Pete K.)

Former CNN Anchor Rick Sanchez Stirs Up More Trouble for Embattled Today Show

New York – Former CNN Anchor Rick Sanchez, most famous for calling The Daily Show’s Jon Stewart a "bigoty Jew," has put his cranky personality back in the spotlight by claiming The Today Show is discriminating against Jenna Wolfe because she is a pregnant lesbian.  Why Sanchez believes anyone cares what he thinks is still a mystery, but he’s been tweeting up a storm about the alleged controversy.

Wolfe had been the Sunday co-anchor with Today’s Lester Bolt. No, Lester Holt.  We get confused sometimes because there are not bolts on the side of his neck.  Sorry.  Anyway, she was recently demoted to newsreader (but chose to become a stand-up comedian instead) when NBC brought in CBS’ Erica Hill to co-host with Holt.

Unsolicited Drivel contacted our usual anonymous intern at Today for comment.  He told us, “Rick who?  I will admit I was surprised when they brought Erica in.  I forget what she looks like even as I am watching her on the screen.  She has just THAT MUCH presence and chemistry with Lester. Bwaaaah!  But Rick is way off the mark with his accusation of NBC being homophobic.  In fact, nobody at Today even knew Jenna gay. We just thought she was an obnoxious narcissist. Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever met an obnoxious lesbian before.  I guess there's a first time for everything.  But can we go back to railing on mean Matt Lauer now?”

Today's Matt Lauer Tweets Apology for Being Matt Lauer

New York – It’s been a tough month for The Today Show host Matt Lauer.  First there was public outrage over his interview with convicted pedophile Penn State’s Jerry Sandusky and now a former intern is accusing him of being nasty.

In regard to the Sandusky interview, one angry viewer even went so far to tweet at Lauer: “If you were going to get an interview with a pedo, you should have gone with the former Pope, you incompetent idiot! What the HELL is wrong with you?”

Unsolicited Drivel got a current intern on The Today Show to give us the inside scoop on Lauer’s mood. He told us, “First of all, the former intern who is accusing Matt of being mean is now working at Fox News, so that’s proof right there that the intern is a mental defective!  And stop sending those emails accusing Matt of having Ann Curry in a hole in his basement forcing her to put lotion on her skin.  She’s still being held hostage by NBC but is safely ensconced in her Upper East Side apartment.  As far as Today considering hiring Anderson Cooper as Matt's replacement?  Not very likely.  That dude would never make it through our daily cooking segments because he’s creeped out by consuming anything but Vitamin Water. Matt has always been good to me.  He lets me sell his remaining hair left in his comb on eBay to help pay my rent.  I hope the Tweet he sent out the other day wins back the hearts and minds of Today viewers. If not, we may have him develop a fake case of prostate cancer.  His former co-host Katie Couric could help him promote it.”

Savannah Guthrie Flips Off Matt Lauer -- Your Vacuum Joke SUCKS! - Watch More Celebrity Videos or Subscribe

Robert Roberts Returns to GMA to Crush “Today”

Say goodnight, Matt.

New York – Anchorwoman Robin Roberts returned to “Good Morning America” studios after her cancer treatment in a test run to turn “The Today Show” into toast.  Or ratings dust, if you prefer.

Roberts began the process of carefully entering her routine to show everyone how much better she looks bald than Matt Lauer and also that she never looks like she’s been sitting on a tack.

In a statement her spokesperson told Unsolicited Drivel, “It’s a thrill for Robin to return and even though morning shows provide little to no real-life valuable information anymore, unlike Mr. Lauer of  ‘Today’ she’s still likely to want to work more than one hour per day for her salary and not piss off her co-workers in the process.”

No Escape for Ann Curry From NBC Contract as Lauer Works for Satan

Zuck you, Matt!

New York – Bad news for NBC news' most loyal employee (possibly ever) Ann Curry as due to her co-worker Matt Lauer’s association with Satan, she will not be let out of her contract to go to CNN.

Former top NBC Executive Jeff Zucker is now in charge of CNN and rumored to be wanting to put Ann Curry as anchor into the high profile 8PM time slot which Anderson Cooper currently holds.  It is unclear what Cooper’s plans are but we are told he will remain with the network.  There is also a rumor floating around that the Bravo channel is developing a reality show for Cooper where Kathy Griffin can dry-hump him full time while reminding him constantly that his mom, Gloria Vanderbilt, likes Kathy better. Fans of Cooper would likely be thrilled with a show like that as being with Griffin is the only time Cooper ever has any color in his face.

An insider at “The Today Show” told Unsolicited Drivel, "Jeff was at the helm of  'Today' back in its ratings heyday.  He also brought NBC the 'Friends'  spin-off  'Joey' and is still apologizing to his colleagues to this day for that must-flee TV.  However, I have been told that Matt Lauer is really one of Satan’s Little Helpers.  You may or may not be aware, but the helpers must be made out of flesh and bone.  Anyway, when Ann signed her last contract she didn’t realize it was a deal with the devil that Matt had helped draft.  So I suppose the only way she will be able to leave NBC is if Matt leaves this earth to join his boss in Hell.  Ah, well.  Maybe she’ll get lucky and Roker will start slipping arsenic into the cooking segments when Matt is sampling the food.”

(For: AbbyJ)

Where in the World is Matt Lauer? (After He Gets Fired)

New York - Rumors have been swirling for months now that the walking inflated paycheck, uh, we meant morning TV show host Matt Lauer, is going to be fired from The Today Show due to falling ratings.  Many attribute the falling ratings due to poor staff morale and tension on the set (Al Roker's probably putting Ex-Lax in his coffee...that's why Matt's only able to work one hour per day) because the staff believes that Lauer was behind long-time Today broadcaster Ann Curry’s firing.  Naturally, the brass at Today are denying that Lauer will be fired…so we at Unsolicited Drivel believe he will. Hey, kids - that's just how the world works.   If we were in New York and able to peek through the window at commercial breaks and view the look on Lauer’s face and how he interacts with his staff, we could tell you for sure.  However, we still believe that Matt WILL be shit-canned.  So where in the world will Matt Lauer end up?

Like many journalism, English, and communications majors who are unable to find a job in this economy, he could go back to trade school:

Factory Matt...Plumber Matt...Mechanic Matt!!

Nah, F*CK IT!!….DO NOT PASS GO, GO STRAIGHT TO WHITE COLLAR CAREER JAIL:

Mad Matt!!!!

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What Should The Today Show Do to Improve its Falling Ratings?

We polled our Unsolicited Drivel readers and here is what they told us:

NBC to Host Telethon to Maybe Aid Hurricane Sandy Victims

We're so compassionate!?!

New York - NBC Universal is planning to host a telethon as soon as they can pull a production staff together and try and lure stars like Tom Hanks, Sandra Bullock, Brad Pitt, Julia Roberts, George Clooney, you know, the usual suspects….to help raise money to aid the victims of Hurricane Sandy.

The program, which they will not share with other networks (because of advertising revenue) is tentatively titled "Coming Together" and will not feature Beatles music because they are British dudes and also due to NBC's shitty programming over the years, they could never afford the music rights anyway.

An intern at the peacock network, who asked not to be named, told Unsolicited Drivel, "It's hopefully going to be a star-studded show and at least, unlike with Hurricane Katrina, we won't have any fear of Kanye West stomping up on the stage and proclaiming 'President Obama hates black people!' I cannot guarantee that will mean there will be no Kardashians on the broadcast.  Sorry.  You have no idea how sorry I am about that.  I can tell you the show will be hosted by Matt Lauer…which kind of leaves me scratching my head.  I mean if they wanted to do a show about victims, why didn't they just hire Ann Curry to host it?"