MSNBC Not Crazy Enough For Big Ratings

She's too rational for herself...too rational for herself...

New York - Bad news for the anchors at MSNBC.  Even after a month of disasters including the Oklahoma tornado, the new-n’-improved-Casey Anthony Jodi Arias’ sensationalistic murder trial and the IRS spying on a political party that is dumb-ass-backwards enough to name itself after tax dodgers, the cable news network fell into 4th place. In fact, the network saw its lowest ratings since 2007!

Unsolicited Drivel asked our media analyst for comment on the network’s decline.  She told us, “It’s disappointing for them.  They certainly have some of the more intelligent anchors. But unfortunately, they just can’t bring the crazy like Fox or CNN and America gets crazier by the day.  We can thank the religious right and the gun nuts for that as well as the media that reports on them incessantly when they are actually a minor portion of our American population.  But MSNBC doesn’t do very well at sensationalism and they often have their facts straight and are kind of quiet. Of course Chris Matthews is pretty shouty, but he looks like that tweety bird from Bugs Bunny so it’s hard to concentrate on what he’s saying. Al Sharpton? I have no clue what he’s saying. Rachel Maddow is very sporty with her striped bass fishing and suave with her drink mixing, so if she could convince middle America she was actually a man, she’d probably pull in more viewers. Although there’s no guarantee there. I'll have go with a maybe. But Rachel’s still not an alleged phone hacker like CNN's Piers Morgan. Being a criminal is pretty sexy to America right now. Especially during this economy. I think really the only solution for MSNBC to boost ratings is to start reporting fake news like CNN did with the Boston bombing.  That way viewers will tune in just to watch the f*ck ups.”

UPDATE: This just in. The jury in Arizona has sentenced Jodi Arias to spending a weekend with Governor Jan Brewer as to not take the blame for handing out the death penalty. This way, Ms. Arias' fate of spontaneous human combustion is guaranteed. We scooped MSNBC!

Ghost of Henry VIII to Gov. Chris Christie: Thou Art A P*ssy!

Somewhere in Hell -The ghost of King Henry VIII came out swinging today after an MSNBC cable TV news talking head compared him to New Jersey Governor the size of New Jersey Chris Christie.

White House physician Dr. Connie Mariano had expressed concern for Christie’s health should he become president if the GOP doesn’t figure out that they have to run Marco Rubio in 2016 to get anyone who is not white as a KKK hood to vote for them.  Apparently, Governor Christie had the meltdown after being on David Letterman’s talk show bragging about his capacity for gorging on Twinkies and other foods he goes hog wild with, which we must have missed as we were too busy melting down ourselves like a nuclear (nook-u-lear if you are Dubya) power plant.  It’s what we do best around the U.D. offices.

We also love Ouija boards at Unsolicited Drivel and naturally, had to whip ours out to contact the evil king.  Britain’s biggest monarch told us, “This is NOT a weight issue.  Obviously that fat loudmouthed bastard could out eat me in a turkey leg-chomping contest any day of the week.  If he takes the drug Ambien, he could probably do it in his sleep too.  But look at his personal life!  Did he bang one sister and then dump her for the greedier sister in the family and then cut her head off under the assumption she banged her own brother? NO!  Has he sent anyone to a tower lately?  If not, may I suggest a tower somewhere in Elizabeth or Pattterson, New Jersey?  That pussy just talks the talk without walking the walk!  I would command him to get himself to a nunnery, but he’s no match for those penguin bitches.  Look how they don’t drink themselves to death while covering up evil for that Ratzinger bastard's crimes in the Vatican!”

Cher to Chris Hayes: Baby, I'm Yours!

Will you be mine?

Malibu, CA - According to an inside source (BFF Kathy Griffin...allegedly), original pop diva and night-long Tweeter, Cher, is truly, madly sweet on one of the most mentally-stable-seeming cable TV news hosts - MSNBC's Chris Hayes.

The source told one of the national tabloids (that usually doesn't just make shit up), "Between Vegas shows, constantly saying, 'I'm Cher, bitch I don't (insert menial task here) ',  spending all night on Twitter ranting about the GOP, she spends a lot of time telling me how much she would like really like to do Chris Hayes.  She lost her taste for rock stars years ago and is no longer interested in bagel bakers.  In fact, Cher's never even eaten a carb.  But oh, if only Chris wasn't married!  She feels she could make him BELIEVE in love with her!  She's' a little long in the tooth for him though. She'd would have gone for Anderson Cooper, but Cher's nobody's beard and I don't know if you've noticed, but he's kind of a dork."

Hayes has not replied to the rumor about Cher's alleged crush.  When reached for comment, Hayes' MSNBC co-worker Chris Matthews told Unsolicited Drivel, "I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY CHER WOULDN'T CRUSH ON ME! I'M JUST AS LIBERAL AS SHE IS AND MY GENERATION IS MORE LIKELY TO CHEAT ON THEIR SPOUSE!!"

Also reached for comment, was one long-time pop music fan who stated, "If Cher wants to 'Turn Back Time' so to speak, if she succeeds could she please use those talon fingernails of hers to claw to death the person who invented AutoTune?"

From Flakes to Dicks: Mark Halperin Helps TV News in its Decline

New York – While appearing on MSNBC’s Morning Joe this morning, senior political analyst Mark Halperin apparently hadn’t had his Joe yet, as he called the leader of the free world, President Barack Obama,  “a dick.”  And as soon as the gaffe was aired Fox News host Chris Wallace was overheard asking his assistant to send Halperin a fruit basket immediately.

Halperin was suspended from MSNBC after the show and he quickly Tweeted an apology over his being an unfunny twit.

Is it just us, or is TV news getting dumber and dumber?  We asked our media analyst for comment who told us, “Uh, I would say yes.  Joe and Mika clearly set him up by pretending the 7-second delay was working and Halperin took the bait.  Also, he’s right - he was not funny.  ‘Dick’ is not a funny word in my opinion.  ‘Prick’ would have been funnier.  Or ‘tool.’ Or my current personal favorite, ‘douche-nozzle.’  Anyway, it’s been an interesting week with these talking head idiots after Chris Wallace insulted Michele Bachmann and now this insult directed at Obama.  Bachmann wouldn’t accept Wallace’s apology for calling her a flake and I’m guessing Obama won’t even acknowledge Halperin’s comment.  I would think the President is too busy trying to figure out a way to get the boneheads in Washington to resolve the debt ceiling* issue before the July 4th holiday without threatening to shove firecrackers up their asses to notice what some TV news dork is saying.  But if he does, I bet he’ll remember Halperin when the next Washington Correspondents’ Dinner comes around.”


*The debt ceiling was raised 7 times under Bush.  Remember?  Yeah, they don't either.

Rice Still Dishing it Out Like it’s 2003

New York – Former Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice (perhaps in town to do some shoe shopping?) appeared on MSNBC’s The Last Word with Lawrence O’Donnell last night to revisit her past mistake – the Iraq War.

Knowing that she could dish it out but not take it, O’Donnell pushed Rice with questioning over the failed war that had nothing to do with 9/11™ to the point where she scolded him like a schoolmarm. But as always, Rice proved she could hold on to her delusions just as tightly as her hairdo would hold up in a wind tunnel.

Click here to see her face almost move during the interview.

We didn’t find anything particularly revealing about the interview, so we checked in with our staff political analyst for comment who told us:

“Nothing revealing for me either.  It was like a flashback really,  reminding me that some critics have referred to Dr. Rice as the worst Secretary of State in our nation’s history as she is the principal architect of the failed policy in Iraq. Big time failure. Big time architect. She could be the Frank Lloyd Wright of failure. Not to say Frank Lloyd Wright was a failure mind you, he’s just the only architect I can name that you might also know. But she totally is. A big time loser I mean. History has now shown that she gave Congress false reasons for going into a war, which had we avoided, might have changed the course of history, meaning it wouldn’t now blow big monkey chunks.  Thanks to Dr. Rice being such a qualified* individual, the war in Iraq became one of the most costly ever. The Treasury Department has even run out of monetary terms to describe it. Million is passé and billion and trillion are obsolete, leaving officials to come up with a new term. Word has it they are leaning towards ‘vietnamillion.’ There is no way Rice can make up for this mistake to America, but with her unmatched ability to deny reality, if she went on a public speaking circuit to our nation’s schools, she might be able give back some joy by keeping the notions of Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy as being real alive for our kids well into their early 20s.”

*To teach piano.