Today's Matt Lauer Tweets Apology for Being Matt Lauer

New York – It’s been a tough month for The Today Show host Matt Lauer.  First there was public outrage over his interview with convicted pedophile Penn State’s Jerry Sandusky and now a former intern is accusing him of being nasty.

In regard to the Sandusky interview, one angry viewer even went so far to tweet at Lauer: “If you were going to get an interview with a pedo, you should have gone with the former Pope, you incompetent idiot! What the HELL is wrong with you?”

Unsolicited Drivel got a current intern on The Today Show to give us the inside scoop on Lauer’s mood. He told us, “First of all, the former intern who is accusing Matt of being mean is now working at Fox News, so that’s proof right there that the intern is a mental defective!  And stop sending those emails accusing Matt of having Ann Curry in a hole in his basement forcing her to put lotion on her skin.  She’s still being held hostage by NBC but is safely ensconced in her Upper East Side apartment.  As far as Today considering hiring Anderson Cooper as Matt's replacement?  Not very likely.  That dude would never make it through our daily cooking segments because he’s creeped out by consuming anything but Vitamin Water. Matt has always been good to me.  He lets me sell his remaining hair left in his comb on eBay to help pay my rent.  I hope the Tweet he sent out the other day wins back the hearts and minds of Today viewers. If not, we may have him develop a fake case of prostate cancer.  His former co-host Katie Couric could help him promote it.”

Savannah Guthrie Flips Off Matt Lauer -- Your Vacuum Joke SUCKS! - Watch More Celebrity Videos or Subscribe

No Escape for Ann Curry From NBC Contract as Lauer Works for Satan

Zuck you, Matt!

New York – Bad news for NBC news' most loyal employee (possibly ever) Ann Curry as due to her co-worker Matt Lauer’s association with Satan, she will not be let out of her contract to go to CNN.

Former top NBC Executive Jeff Zucker is now in charge of CNN and rumored to be wanting to put Ann Curry as anchor into the high profile 8PM time slot which Anderson Cooper currently holds.  It is unclear what Cooper’s plans are but we are told he will remain with the network.  There is also a rumor floating around that the Bravo channel is developing a reality show for Cooper where Kathy Griffin can dry-hump him full time while reminding him constantly that his mom, Gloria Vanderbilt, likes Kathy better. Fans of Cooper would likely be thrilled with a show like that as being with Griffin is the only time Cooper ever has any color in his face.

An insider at “The Today Show” told Unsolicited Drivel, "Jeff was at the helm of  'Today' back in its ratings heyday.  He also brought NBC the 'Friends'  spin-off  'Joey' and is still apologizing to his colleagues to this day for that must-flee TV.  However, I have been told that Matt Lauer is really one of Satan’s Little Helpers.  You may or may not be aware, but the helpers must be made out of flesh and bone.  Anyway, when Ann signed her last contract she didn’t realize it was a deal with the devil that Matt had helped draft.  So I suppose the only way she will be able to leave NBC is if Matt leaves this earth to join his boss in Hell.  Ah, well.  Maybe she’ll get lucky and Roker will start slipping arsenic into the cooking segments when Matt is sampling the food.”

(For: AbbyJ)

Where in the World is Matt Lauer? (After He Gets Fired)

New York - Rumors have been swirling for months now that the walking inflated paycheck, uh, we meant morning TV show host Matt Lauer, is going to be fired from The Today Show due to falling ratings.  Many attribute the falling ratings due to poor staff morale and tension on the set (Al Roker's probably putting Ex-Lax in his coffee...that's why Matt's only able to work one hour per day) because the staff believes that Lauer was behind long-time Today broadcaster Ann Curry’s firing.  Naturally, the brass at Today are denying that Lauer will be fired…so we at Unsolicited Drivel believe he will. Hey, kids - that's just how the world works.   If we were in New York and able to peek through the window at commercial breaks and view the look on Lauer’s face and how he interacts with his staff, we could tell you for sure.  However, we still believe that Matt WILL be shit-canned.  So where in the world will Matt Lauer end up?

Like many journalism, English, and communications majors who are unable to find a job in this economy, he could go back to trade school:

Factory Matt...Plumber Matt...Mechanic Matt!!

Nah, F*CK IT!!….DO NOT PASS GO, GO STRAIGHT TO WHITE COLLAR CAREER JAIL:

Mad Matt!!!!

                                      EVIL ADVERTISING EXECUTIVE!

NBC to Host Telethon to Maybe Aid Hurricane Sandy Victims

We're so compassionate!?!

New York - NBC Universal is planning to host a telethon as soon as they can pull a production staff together and try and lure stars like Tom Hanks, Sandra Bullock, Brad Pitt, Julia Roberts, George Clooney, you know, the usual suspects….to help raise money to aid the victims of Hurricane Sandy.

The program, which they will not share with other networks (because of advertising revenue) is tentatively titled "Coming Together" and will not feature Beatles music because they are British dudes and also due to NBC's shitty programming over the years, they could never afford the music rights anyway.

An intern at the peacock network, who asked not to be named, told Unsolicited Drivel, "It's hopefully going to be a star-studded show and at least, unlike with Hurricane Katrina, we won't have any fear of Kanye West stomping up on the stage and proclaiming 'President Obama hates black people!' I cannot guarantee that will mean there will be no Kardashians on the broadcast.  Sorry.  You have no idea how sorry I am about that.  I can tell you the show will be hosted by Matt Lauer…which kind of leaves me scratching my head.  I mean if they wanted to do a show about victims, why didn't they just hire Ann Curry to host it?"

Anchors Bemoan Lack of Hard News In AM Infotainment Shows

Curry/Roberts

New York – Imagine having to wake up at 3 or 4 am every morning for your job? Now imagine having to do that with a respected degree in journalism, but primarily to discuss live on the air how the Kardashian Klan manages to keep their back hair re-growth under control to man-trap pro athletes for potential mates? While that prospect may be enough to make you or me want to smash our frontal lobes back into sweet darkness with our Sony Dream Machines, it’s seriously bumming out some morning TV anchors as well.

The Today Show’s anchor Ann Curry and Good Morning America’s Robin Roberts recently admitted to whichever Newsweek editor is likely to get fired next that they fear their shows have grown too “fluffy.”

Really?!?  They don't want to report "hard"news that primarily revolves around a GOP presidential candidate's male member?  Who would have thought?

Perhaps this revelation came on the heels of the CBS Morning Show’s announcement it's hiring Charlie Rose and Gayle King for a more serious approach to morning news, or perhaps the folks at Today are feeling a little touchy as their 60th Anniversary approaches this week and they are reminded that they started with a news anchor riding a tricycle on the air with a chimp as a co-host and nearly 22,000 shows later, not much has changed in the show’s evolution. Really.  All that’s missing now on The Today Show is the repeated airings including a chimp-like sidekick - not to discount the kids from Jersey Shore.  

We asked our media analyst at Unsolicited Drivel for ideas about how these morning shows might increase their credibility with folks who are actually tuning in for news. Here is what he told us:

“I’m going to have to focus on The Today Show for my analysis for you. Good Morning America has always had a slightly more serious tone* and I have to admit I’ve been hesitant to tune in since George Stephanopoulos began his tenure as co-host. You see I have this fear that his over-sharing wife Ali Wentworth might show up on the air strip-teasing off her silk mens’ jammies for George’s birthday and confirm her favorite way to share the sexy times with George is to watch him jump up and down the top bunk after she’s painted his toenails. That being said, let’s take a look at some immediate improvements I’d make to The Today Show at the very least.”

HOW TO MAKE THE TODAY SHOW MORE "SERIOUS" - AN UNVARNISHED LOOK

• Where in the World is Matt Lauer? will go to Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq. People will guess where he is because of these clues: 1) the bloodstains on the floor; 2) Approximate age of bloodstains due to dilution caused by water-boarding; 3) The autographed poster of Lynddie England on the wall; 4) the hooded naked prisoners in a pile behind him.

• Willard Scott will switch from Smucker's Jam to a Smucker's Funeral Home, commenting on how lifelike recently deceased old ladies look while reporting on the weather. This change will also make his antiquated boutonnière he likes to wear make more fashion sense.

• Al Roker will report live on his feet being amputated due to diabetes during a hurricane on the Outer Banks. And special medical technology to keep Al's dogs dry will be unveiled during the life-saving segment.  His bandages will be made of recycled plastic bags originally intended by rednecks to have been used to suffocate sea turtles.

• Morning anchor Natalie Morales and former White House Correspondent Savannah Guthrie are starting to seem nearly interchangeable since they brought Savannah in-studio. Either send Savannah out on more location assignments, or occasionally dress her in drag like they did with her as Prince Charles on Halloween.

• Still not even sure why they have a FOURTH hour**, but Hoda Kotb and Kathy Lee Gifford could do a new, more honest segment where is it indeed obvious that they are drinking Chardonnay live on the show while they remain in their Velcro curlers throughout the hour and diss all the other Today Show hosts before having a cat-fight to close out each episode. Kathy Lee will also spend an inordinate amount of time discussing husband Frank’s prostate problems and fans can wager on just when Hoda will finally clock her with a box of Franzia to get her to stop. This action will also alleviate Kathy Lee’s need for regular Botox injections which she would no longer be able to blather about.  Another HUGE plus!”



*Singer Chris Brown throwing chairs through windows.
**To pay for Kathie Lee's hormone replacement therapy?