Washington, DC – President Obama spoke out today and openly claimed credit for the breakdown of reality TV princess Kim Kardashian’s 1,728-hour marriage.
He stated before the stunned press, “You know I love the hoops. That automatically makes me a fan of the New Jersey Nets' Kris Humphries. I couldn’t stand idly by and let that young woman of questionable values take advantage of him purely for financial gain. And I watched her do it before I had Michele block that Kardashian TV show from Sasha and Malia’s Tivo. I don’t currently have a public enemy number one to hunt for America for security purposes, so I had to improvise. It’s what a true leader does – thinks on his feet. I just wanted to remind the American people that even though we haven’t seen any economic growth and our youth are flocking to occupy our cities in droves that I’m still here and I’m working for you. That’s why I sent an executive order to Ms. Kardashian demanding she file for divorce from Mr. Humphries. Folks seem to forget about my efforts lately, as there hasn’t been a recent opportunity for me to very publicly verbally bitch-slap Congress for putting the American people’s needs behind their greed. So, I decided to settle for the next best thing - their reality TV counterpart.”
