This Must Be That Fiscal Cliff the Government Keeps Whining About

 



















And this is what I hear inside my head whenever our legislators talk about the aforementioned "fiscal cliff."

Obama Claims Credit for Kim Kardashian Divorce to Raise Approval Rating

Washington, DC – President Obama spoke out today and openly claimed credit for the breakdown of reality TV princess Kim Kardashian’s 1,728-hour marriage.

He stated before the stunned press, “You know I love the hoops.  That automatically makes me a fan of the New Jersey Nets' Kris Humphries.  I couldn’t stand idly by and let that young woman of questionable values take advantage of him purely for financial gain. And I watched her do it before I had Michele block that Kardashian TV show from Sasha and Malia’s Tivo. I don’t currently have a public enemy number one to hunt for America for security purposes, so I had to improvise.  It’s what a true leader does – thinks on his feet.  I just wanted to remind the American people that even though we haven’t seen any economic growth and our youth are flocking to occupy our cities in droves that I’m still here and I’m working for you.  That’s why I sent an executive order to Ms. Kardashian demanding she file for divorce from Mr. Humphries.   Folks seem to forget about my efforts lately, as there hasn’t been a recent opportunity for me to very publicly verbally bitch-slap Congress for putting the American people’s needs behind their greed.  So, I decided to settle for the next best thing - their reality TV counterpart.”

More Americans Approve of Wall Street Occupiers Than Congress

A recent poll conducted among people who like to take polls revealed that more Americans approve of the people currently occupying Wall Street than they do of their own elected state representatives in Congress.

33% have a favorable opinion of the occupiers in lower Manhattan, many of whom are out of work students, 27% said they don’t like “those hippie freaks,” and 40% didn’t know the occupation was going on because they get their news from Fox and/or wouldn’t notice unless the occupation took place in Donald Trump’s hair.

In sharp contrast, only 14% of Americans have a positive view of Congress, and 82% disapprove.  Of those American’s disapproving of Congress, an impressive 67% said they would rather hang out with a young person in Zuccotti Park who was wearing a saggy knit cap, facial jewelry and tattoos and had hummus breath, and who had also only been sponge bathing at a McDonald’s for nearly a month, than hear anything that disgraced New York Representative Charlie Rangel had to say on his recent visit there.

Oscars Under the Impression They Actually Might Not Suck by Hiring Eddie Murphy to Host

Hollyweird – Despite hiring the same joke writer year over lackluster year, the Academy Awards is still under the impression that they won’t suck for their 84^th ceremony in February now that they have hired Eddie Murphy to host the show. 

While Murphy has certainly had a storied career, will his Oscar ceremony blot out the memory of the over-enthusiastic Anne Hathaway and under-alert James Franco of last year?  Unsolicited Drivel checked in with our resident media analyst for comment.  He told us, “I really don’t see how the Academy Awards is going to break their cycle of being suck-tacular.  It's quite the track record.  I’m sure they picked Eddie because of how funny he was early in his career on Saturday Night Live.  But Saturday Night Live is notorious for under utilizing talented minorities and placing them in stereotypical skit after skit. That type of humor won’t fly on an awards show.  Eddie seemed to break away from that mold for a while in his movies, but not for long.  Frankly, I’m sorry to say I don’t think Eddie’s been funny since he played the con man who became a congressman in The Distinguished Gentleman.  Come to think of it, I’d love to see that movie re-released before the 2012 election as people might get reality and fantasy confused and vote for Eddie Murphy.  As funny as he was in that picture, Eddie would still be less of a joke than the clowns we have on Capitol Hill right now.”