Donald Trump Still Working on a Strategy to Offend Almost Every American

Wrong finger, Asshat.

Somewhere in Iowa or New Hampshire – Strategists for alleged billionaire and megalomaniac haircut of manhood, Donald Trump, are scratching their heads of inferior hair today for ideas on how he can offend almost the entire nation before the primaries to guarantee the votes of people with the brainpower of an amoeba. Unsolicited Drivel has been told by a staffer, “We’re not very smart. We’re running out of ideas! We know we can get the Neo-Nazi vote and as of today, that might be enough. He still needs to step up his white supremacy.”

We had a staffer dig through the dumpster at Trump Tower (they aren’t smart enough to shred their paperwork), to see what we could find. In one crumbled up email from a non-secure server here were some of their ideas:

• Insult Asians by telling them they all look alike (Trump forgot they existed).
• Tell Native Americans he will buy all of their casinos because they are not REAL Americans and not worthy of bankrupting a casino.
• Start a Rich Bastards Lives Matter activism group.
• Accuse the Sikhs in America of being Isis if they wear black turbans.
• Insist Carly Fiorina is going through menopause at the next debate debasing all women with hot flashes.
• Tell fast food and Wal-Mart workers on food stamps they are LOSERS!
• Insult a veteran (other than John McCain) who is preferably in a wheel chair, missing legs and gay.

Sorry, kids! That’s all we could find today. No doubt the insults will keep coming from El Trumpo!!!  Keep the faith.

GOP 2016 Hopeful Rand Paul Has Issues...

This one goes out to Baltimore, Kentucky and the U.S. of A!

Wal-Mart Heiress Sadly Admits to Being Sober When Dumping Paul Deen

Where's the PBR?

Somewhere in Texas (y’all) – In a stunning revelation this morning Wal-Mart heiress Alice Walton confessed to being “sober as a June bug under a magnifying glass” while making the decision to shit-can America's Dame of Diabetes, Paula Deen, in their corporate partnership.

Known for driving into trees drunk (because she won’t hire a person of color to take her pub crawling), Walton insisted that the decision came very easily, even while sober, because she just doesn’t like "crackers." In fact, as of this writing, we were told the only crackers Walton has any tolerance for are oyster crackers on a bowl of San Antonio style chili.

A spokesperson for the notorious ingrate told Unsolicited Drivel, “Alice doesn’t live here anymore. Ha! Even though the Walton family made their fortunes off of racist hicks, Alice hated 'crackers' before it was cool. But only IRONICALLY. That’s why in board meetings, when we get together to discuss how to strong-arm our vendors into creating more slave labor, we have to refer to Ms. Walton as 'The Hillbilly Hipster'  ma'am yes, ma'am.”

Paula Deen is Releasing Her First Feature Film!

I don't think I care for the menu.  But then again, I'm a Yankee.

Bosses Nearly Lynched for Only Giving African Americans Off From Work on Presidents Day

Bethesda, MD - Two area CEOs were almost lynched (to a degree yesterday) for only offering the African American employees off on the national Presidents Day holiday.

Malcolm and Montague Doke told Unsolicited Drivel exclusively, “It was ugly day here Acquisitions-R-Us.  We gave the Negroes, we still call them that, a day off because of that traitorous President Lincoln they are so fond of and my Latina maid had told me it was Black History month.  So we thought ‘it’s a double holiday for those folks.  How nice! That almost makes up for everything!! Maybe even for our being paid 47 times the rate of our employees?’  But then the white workers figured it out once they stopped checking Facebook or playing fantasy football.  Thankfully their weapon of choice is an iPhone 5 or one of those Droid phones.  Malcolm said he hardly felt the flying text machine hit his head.”

Gook Luck With All of That Goober

(Via Being Liberal)

Adidas Wants You to Emancipate Yourself From Good Taste With "Shackle Shoes"

As soon as it was confirmed that a new sneaker that features a slavery-type shackle was not a promotional giveaway for the upcoming Quentin Tarantino movie, Django Unchained, it was determined that whoever the person is in charge of marketing at Adidas is a Grand Wizard douche.

This cultural insensitivity on Adidas’ part is perhaps the biggest gaffe since fellow sweatshop-sh*t-shoe manufacturer Nike tried to market the “Black and Tan” to Americans who like compete to get alcohol poisoning before they barf from drinking two tones of ale on St. Patrick’s Day, while infuriating the Irish whose ancestors were brutally killed by the British “Black and Tan” military regiment.  

We at Unsolicited Drivel thought that any shoe manufacturer that could convince kids who can barely afford a Big Mac, let alone crack, to spend over $100 on a pair of sneakers that won’t magically turn them into LeBron James, was allegedly not staffed by mental defectives.  Now we question that assessment.

An insider from Adidas who spoke on condition of anonymity told us, “I don't know what the marketing department’s reasoning was or why you thought that people in marketing are smart.  They could have believed that lately it seems acceptable for just about anyone to use the ‘N-word,’ with the exception of Gwyneth Paltrow,  so folks would find the shoe ironically cool?  Obviously, that’s not the case. I’m not sure what we are going to do with the surplus shoes either.  Maybe they could use them for the detainees down at Guantanamo Bay?  They aren't getting out anytime soon and those Mohammeds are totally used to cultural insensitivity by now.  We could really use the tax write-off too.  Anyway, it was a huge mistake.  But this shoe is still not as bad as the shower sandal they were planning.”

(Not available in Miami Beach.)

A PSA for George Zimmerman

Finally in police custody.

(Via Matt Bors)

Lone Black Listener of Rush Limbaugh’s Show Going to Quit That Bitch

Phoenix, AZ – The only black person in America listening to Rush Limbaugh’s radio show was recently revealed to be Mr. George Martin of Phoenix and he has confirmed in regard to the right wing blowhard’s show that he’s going to “quit that bitch.”

Limbaugh has been making comments recently regarding the controversial shooting of innocent black teen Trayvon Martin, insisting that the huge amount of media coverage is all to aid in President Obama’s reelection efforts.

Unsolicited Drivel uncovered Mr. Martin’s outrage while trolling the Rants and Raves boards on Craig’s List. He told us, “I initially tuned in to Rush’s show because I’m a dyed in the wool sexist. I can’t get enough of that Feminazi talk.  And I love the word 'slut.'  But I was under the impression that Rush had moved on to exclusively hating on the Mexicans now. Just like I am. But these latest comments about the Trayvon case and brothers in general, make me want to quit that bitch - for good. Besides, Obama doesn’t have to use that black child’s tragedy to get re-elected! He’s whiter than Limbaugh is.”

Yeah, Disney's Still Racist

These candies add fuel to the fire of that rumor about Walt anyway.  What no lychee-flavored one for Mulan?

(Link)