Area Man Beside Himself that Shit-hole Tavern Made a “Best of” List

Baltimore, MD – An area man, Jim Patrick, totally can’t believe a tavern in his neighborhood made it to a “Best of” list in a city monthly magazine.  When asked about Speedster’s he commented, “I’ve been there.  In fact, I was just there last night to try and stave off the Sunday blues.  You know what I mean, that feeling of acid reflux that slowly starts to build up into your esophagus and/or irritable bowel syndrome that begins sometime around 7pm that you can get just by thinking about going back to work on Monday?  I hadn’t been to Speedster’s in awhile, but figured I would go and see WHY on Earth they got the honor of being one of the best bars in town.  The minute I get there I remember I have to watch my step so I don’t crack my skull by slipping on a peanut shell, which the floor is littered with.  I get a beer and sit down and I still can’t figure it out. Then I look up on the blackboard and see their beer selection: 3 pints for $6 during Happy Hour and all made by Belgian monks with heavenly harvested winter wheat, artfully brewed with just a hint of fruit.  Like pomegranate!  Well, that was my cue to bail.  If I want a handcrafted, fruity beer, I want to be in a bar with tons of fake exposed brick where it looks like they also have a brewery on site and I’ll pay at least $9 for six dried out chicken wings.  I'm sure not going to try and convince myself I’m savoring a beer made with fruit in the type of place where you could just as easily find a human ear floating in the commode in the men’s room as you could a turd.”