Cheating Bastard Governor Still Preferable Over Bat-shit Crazy-Acting Wanna-be Brat

COLUMBIA, S.C. – When Governor Mark Sanford disappeared last June over a weekend for a supposed hike on the Appalachian Trail, his constituents in South Carolina had bigger worries than him being bitten by a Copperhead snake.  As we’ve come to find out, the only involvement of a snake that weekend was that of Sanford himself.  Needless to say, South Carolinians were still one private plane crash in the Andes Mountains away from Lieutenant Governor, Andre Bauer, assuming power.  Bauer may have been Sanford’s best insurance policy against impeachment as it turns out.  At a town hall meeting last week, Bauer, who is now running for governor himself, made some surprising comments.  Before a live audience of people we assume capable of human thought, he actually said: “My grand-mama was not the sharpest tool in the shed, but told me you better stop feeding them raccoons in the back yard. You know why? Because they breed! You're lettin’ them lazy larcenists loot our food supply and they ain’t thinking past stealing our hush puppies and pushing out more puppies. Or cubs.  Or whatevah they call them baby bandits!”  Or, something like that. At the same time, Bauer carefully left out the fact that being a child of divorce, he had also benefited from the occasional government free lunch himself. One attendee of the town hall rally remarked, “His comments were immoral and uncompassionate.  They also make me wish the guy who banged that chick in Argentina on the state’s dime wasn’t subject to term limits.  He wouldn’t stare us down for using food stamps at the Piggly Wiggly. At least I think.”