Kitchen Confidential? What Restaurants Don’t Want You to Know!

All of the major J.T. Craplebee's Tuesday's thru Friday's Shenanigans Grill chain restaurants all operate under the sample basic principles: that we as diners have no principles!  And if you are in on the joke, the power to eat and not die prematurely and go broke is still up to you.

Secret #1: If they ask you to “super-size” it, just say, “Suck it.”
Sure, it may seem like a bargain as proportionately, you are getting enough food to feed a clinic full of earthquake victims, but it won’t seem much like a “value meal” if it’s only meant for one person and your company health plan (if you have one) still won’t cover liposuction.  Besides, even with all of those preservatives, those Wonton-Wasabe-Crusted-Southwest-Quesadilla-Deep-fried-Grande Bloomers will still never survive the trip to Haiti.

Secret #2: Your Waiter Can’t Wait to Up-sell You
Studies show that retailers keep journals, and those same journals report that if a server prompts you to buy a dish verbally, you very likely will.  If they ask you “if you want fries with that?” it’s not because they are still smarting from their Irish relatives having to flee the potato famine.  Remember, their job is to extract fat from your wallet, but, sadly, not from your ass.

Secret #3: Eat Like it’s Your First Time in a Restaurant
If you spend between 2-3 hours a day commuting due to the societal scourge of suburban sprawl, it’s likely you eat out all the time and you will NOT stay at a healthy weight.  Those same research journals suggest that people eat less when they equate dining out as for only “special occasions.”  So, try and reserve these restaurant meals for truly unique occasions, like maybe successfully starting your first religious cult, or perhaps for when a traditionally anti-social family member finally gets his or her reassignment surgery and is ready to reassimilate.

Secret #4: Small Bites are Just Right
No one in the restaurant is going to prevent you from ordering seconds, but you can keep your waistline in check by ordering “firsts.”  So, think like any successful businessperson and do things on the cheapity cheap!  Order only an appetizer.  You can still refer to it as “tapas” at the water-cooler in the morning.   Eating less food will also help you keep a clear head for when it comes time at the end of the meal to make sure they haven’t screwed you on the bill.