*Please note: the Lindsay Lohan violating probation stories are not surprising. The editor only chose to include our favorite satire of unexpected dumb-ass moves/quotes of the year and Courtney Love would be too much material to cover in any year.
Cash Strapped Cage Still Center Stage
The IRS claims the Oscar winner owes millions in back taxes and he has been forced to start to sell of many of his assets. Cage has filed suit against his business manager for $20 million but we still have to wonder where the money went? We asked some industry insiders and they reported Cage spent money on:
• Magic forest to build a dozen castles in
• Prepaid cryogenic head-freezing contract
• Jacuzzis in each home tiled with cobra teeth
• Four yachts with four accompanying Somali pirate ships for security
• Kryptonite reserves for when son Kal-El reaches his tween years and starts to act up
• In-house cartoonists to create custom comic books on demand
• A fleet of Silver Cloud Rolls Royces with actual floating silver clouds to fly above them
• A unicorn
• The Declaration of Independence (Hey, the U.S. has money problems too!)
Confirmed: Jessica Won’t Get Nekkid to Snuggle up to Oscar
While Oscar winning actresses are no strangers to nude scenes, something tells us that seeing what’s underneath her Dallas Cowboys Jersey (yes, she still sleeps in it) and “Mom” jeans would still not improve Jessica’s chances with the Academy. In fact, statistically speaking in all likelihood, the following things are much more likely to happen to her than her ever winning an Oscar:
Being studied for use as a chemical weapon for next surge in Afghanistan- 23%
Sighting an actual winged buffalo outside her Hollywood
hills home -17%
Becoming “dark and intellectual” spokesperson for “Curves’’- 25%
Winning the “The Oscar Wilde of the Bimbette Set” moniker due to her finesse for quotable quotes -35%
Elton John Has Decided Jesus Was Gay
Just when we were starting to get jazzed about Jesus again because McDonalds brought back the Filet O’Fish commercial and Peeps were already in stores, in comes the supreme mean queen and suddenly……… NO! DO NOT go there because we really don’t care whether or not the Son of God was slight in the sandals -- although, he did hang out with a lot of dudes if you think about it. You should never discriminate against someone because of their sexual preference....only because of their personality.
However, what we DO care about is Elton John’s need to stink up pretty much everything other than Jesus. (Jesus is above him. Literally.) Grammys schmammys. Who RECYCLES a song for a supposed close friend’s funeral? Oh, and thanks for barfing on Broadway, by the way E.J. “Can you hear the schlock tonight? Dee dee dee dee dee…” Elton’s theory about J.C. is that he was gay because he was super compassionate and intelligent….and straight guys are well, not? Okay, maybe you could fit the ones that are in a phone-booth, but still? Kidding!!! Regardless, Jesus was never a fan of stereotypes and probably hasn’t even enjoyed one of Elton’s albums since “Captain Fantastic” either. Hey, if Elton can make bold assumptions, we can too! And we only recycle trash.
Sean Penn Hopes You Get Ass Cancer
Dateline: From Haiti, with hate... Actor Sean Penn has apparently received a lot of flack over his relief efforts in Haiti and has made this statement about his critics, "Do I hope that those people die screaming of rectal cancer?" He continued, "Yeah. You know, but I'm not going to spend a lot of energy on it."
Many people will likely wonder if this type of comment is meant to distract from his future ex-wife Robin Wright complaining about him being a screaming ass during their divorce.
While in Haiti, Penn has supposedly single-handedly rescued people trapped in the rubble without even manhandling them. Of course, they probably wouldn’t be trying to take his picture. Penn also allegedly said, “Nobody complains when Travolta flies in on his jet with his church group to deliver food and offer people vitamins to cure a severed head.”
Unfortunately, as this upcoming interview will be airing on CBS this weekend, the people who might really need to see the proctologist might not get the message.
Lindsay To Squeeze Some Serious Milk Out of E-Trade?
In the supposedly offensive commercial, one baby is complaining to another regarding him hanging out with a “milkaholic” named Lindsay. Lohan’s lawyer insists that Lindsay has the same single name recognition as hardworking celebrities do, like Madonna, Cher, and Oprah.
Inside sources claim that in reality, unbeknownst to the public, Lohan’s part-time father/full-time fame-whore, Michael Lohan, actually copyrighted the name “Lindsay” while he was still in prison for drunk driving, so as to have a source of income upon his release, so that every time his daughter’s name was mentioned, be it on TV, or even in a Tweet, he would receive a royalty. This explains how he is able to attract women to date him, despite his inclination to kick them in their lady parts.
This latest slap in the face comes to the former child star after recently receiving the ax from her short partnership with the fashion house, Ungaro.
Perhaps she is running out of money for spray tan and ripped leggings, and that might be her motivation to file suit? An employee at the law firm for E-Trade, speaking on condition of anonymity, offered this, “she’ll never win in a court of law. We went back and forth with this and we stand firm that as long as we didn’t indicate there was any snorting of baby powder in the ad, we would legally be in the clear.”
Jesse James Finally Lands in Rehab - But for Which Issue?
On the same day, “Us Weekly,” has finally unearthed the infamous “Nazi” photo of him. Us is running the photo of James doing the “sieg heil” salute while wearing the hat of an SS officer, and also looking like a complete douche. No word yet if it was Michelle "Bombshell" McGee who was the one who had to wipe the slime off of her camera phone to catch the shot.
So, is Jesse in rehab for sex addiction, or just for being a complete douche? It’s only a matter of time before someone goes into treatment for being douchetastic. As a matter of fact, hasn’t Andy Dick done it already?
One of Jesse’s pals tells the people at "Us Weekly," “Jesse is just a history buff who likes hats. He’s really, really into hats. In fact, I’m pretty sure if he hadn’t become a motorcycle maniac, he might have become a haberdasher. Jesse also has a hat like Napoleon Bonaparte, one of those ones with the eagle on it like Mussolini wore, and even one of those really cool helmets with the fur trim, like Genghis Khan had.”
Megan Fox: You Can’t Fire Me – I So, Like, Quit!
A rep for LaBeouf told us, “you’re confused. Shia doesn’t complain about how much his movie sucks until after it has done well at the box office despite having no plot. He even waits until after the Blue Ray and DVD release. It’s Megan who complains the movie is sucktacular, and she does in while it’s only in post-production.”
Reps for the actress confirmed, “Megan will not be returning to the ‘Transformers’ franchise despite it having put her mechanical acting style on the celluloid map. It was her decision alone. It has nothing to with her claim that director Michael Bay has no social skills. And speaking of socializing, this break from filming will give Megan plenty of time to get better acquainted with the voices in her head that keep telling her she can’t go to movie premieres because someone might have smeared boogers on the seats in the theater.”
Prince to Internet: You’re Through!
The pop star told a British newspaper, “The Internet is so over - basically, because I said so. I don’t watch porn when I can look in the mirror and I have plenty of crazy cats at home that act silly for me on demand. The Internet is just like MTV, which was great when it launched and played videos by ME and that other guy, Michael something, but now it’s over. Even a Bananarama video or one by Belinda Carlisle before she got fat after quitting coke would still be preferable to seeing those vile kids from the Jersey Shore. Yes, MTV is dead and so is the web. That’s why I’m releasing my new single via CD in the newspaper.* Now there’s a form of media I can believe in!”
Prince has also insisted that we won’t be seeing him on Youtube and he has gone so far to close down his own official website. We’re guessing we probably won’t see him at the Grammy Awards either.
*In cities where they are still sold.
Asian Americans Still Waiting on Gibson Rant
Just this morning, it’s being reported the Gibson was caught on tape making ANOTHER bigoted remark, this time directed at of those of Latino decent. He told his former girlfriend and mother of his “lovechild” no less, “I will report her to the f**king people that take f**king money from the wetbacks.”
“Wetbacks” is a disparaging term for the illegal Mexican immigrants that Mel probably fantasizes about drowning in the Rio Grande river.
We were convinced that Asian Americans would be next on Gibson’s greatest hits list, but some in the community said that they are not so sure. We asked a local merchant, Rajesh Patel, who told us, “To say that we expect Gibson to hurl the most hate-filled tirades at Asians, of all the other minorities, would feed into the racial stereotype of us being overachievers. I can only surmise that Gibson has left us alone thus far because we own most of the liquor stores. If he ever dries out, we’re probably in big trouble.”
Las Vegas – Michael Boychuck, the hair stylist who made Paris Hilton look like the character Titania from A Midsummer Nights Dream (except she looked to be flying higher than any fairie) before her arrest last weekend, has come forward to defend the socialite on the cocaine allegations police are charging her with.
The stylist to the stars told Unsolicited Drivel, “Paris has been texting me since the arrest and I feel really bad about what happened to her. I think everybody should know that she doesn’t do drugs because she has no time for that. Her day is full from the moment she wakes up until she falls asleep with her being consumed with coming up with strategies to shamelessly self-promote herself. Plus, a cocaine hangover typically causes something I would label as ‘cement head,’ and Paris has enough challenges from the neck up as it is. She also couldn’t test any of her perfumes in development if she did coke, as it would mess too much with her sense of smell and she wouldn’t be able to tell if the new product was close enough to mimic the scent of over privileged skank out partying until 5 am. Oh, wait! She just texted me back. She’s working on a new handbag design! Something about it haven hidden pockets. ”
Charlie Sheen Not Dying This Week
After his latest coke-fueled, hooker* harassing harangue a longtime “pal” told either RadarOnline or the NY Post (same difference), "Charlie Sheen is going to die this week." We could not confirm whether or not this “pal” was his coke dealer.
His manager told Unsolicited Drivel that Sheen was "normal" and planned to pass out (nose) candy to trick-or-treaters last night. When we asked about Charlie’s reaction to the report of his demise we were told, "Charlie looked at me like I was bat-shit crazy when I asked him your question. Besides, everybody knows that if there were a nuclear holocaust, only Charlie and the cockroaches would be left standing. In fact, we’re pretty sure he’s a reincarnation of a cockroach. Think about it - that would explain a lot."
*Sorry, we meant to say porn star/dining companion.
Remember, this is just our year-end celebrity post. We've got plenty more crazy to review!
0 comments so far :
Post a Comment