Uneaten Holiday Turkey to Become Newest Addition to Family

Wheeling, WV – It’s a bird!  An area man made the decision earlier today not to part with the Honeysuckle Ripe turkey he had planned to cook for Christmas dinner, but keep it as a companion instead.

Calvin Green offered, “I was all prepared to cook my first Christmas dinner for my dad, but then I got stuck in that storm on my way to New England for days. After spending twelve hours on the interstate to go seventy-five miles, I started to talk to the bird, kind of like it was that volleyball in that old Castaway movie, only with more a bit more personality. At least I think so. It’s kind of hard to tell after you start hallucinating from inhaling tractor-trailer diesel fumes all day. I know it doesn’t have a head and all, but I figure I can make a new one out of papier-mache and just attach it with Krazy Glue if I ever get home.  Besides, if the turkey doesn’t have a real head, it can’t puke on the rug, bite the hand that feeds it, cut off its nose to spite its face, or complain and stuff.  Anyway, since I live in a red state, I decided to name her Sarah. She has a pretty big vocabulary for somebody named Sarah too. She might be making some of the words up though.  I’m not positive.  But she doesn’t have as big a vocabulary as that fruitcake that kept sassing back when I decided to burn it for heat on Friday night.”