Senate Voted to Keep Spying On You

Washington, DC – While the budget debate is heating up, with a potential shut down of the government due to novel ideas on cutting spending without figuring out ways to increase revenue, the US Senate quietly voted (86 to 12) on Tuesday to extend the three creepiest provisions of the USA Patriot Act.

Both the House and Senate voted to extend the roving wiretap provision, the “lone wolf” terrorist measure and the “library records” provision - as if anybody goes to the library anymore except homeless people who need to use the can.  Plus, you can “Google” plenty of bomb stuff!

Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) introduced a “3 for 3,” bill, extending all three provisions for 3 years only.  Senator Patrick Leahy (D-VT) would like to extend the provisions through 2013, but increase judicial oversight so that shady characters with dark skin had to be more of an olive tone as not to mistake dark-skinned-yet-orange-tinged people like Snooki, J-Woww or John Boehner as terrorists.  Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), wanted to make the three provisions permanent, or have them last until the rapture* if that comes first.

We wondered why the Senate would vote to extend three of the most controversial parts of the Patriot Act.  It’s been ten years after all – haven’t they had time to actually read the bill they rushed into signing, almost blindly, after 911™ by now?  We asked our unnamed political analyst for comment who told us:

“First of all U.D., I have to take issue with your comments about libraries.  There are plenty of people in libraries who are not homeless.  Granted, they are using the research computers for Facebook or to troll for sex on Craig’s List, but that’s neither here nor there.  The public library is still providing a service to the community and any librarian worth his or her salt is not going to comply with this crazy provision anyway.  It still might not be a good time though to go in and jokingly request help on finding a book to build pipe bombs or, if at the pharmacy, ask for “Anthrax Ointment,” which I know, as a FACT, that you have had to restrain yourself from doing.  As to why the Senate extended these incredibly controversial provisions, my only answer would be that despite railing about what the founding fathers would have done, they continue to get it ass backwards.  As Ben Franklin said, ‘Those who would give up Essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety.’  But as we foolishly keep proposing cutting education to reduce the deficit, most kids whose rights will be violated in the future will never know logic like that.  In fact, this current group of law makers may exhibit no logic at all.”

*May 21, 2011