Unsolicited Drivel’s Official “Liz and Dick” Drinking Game

Should probably strangle her instead.

Cheater-beater-theater, aka The Lifetime Television Network, is premiering the much anticipated movie biopic of the tumultuous relationship between Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton – “Liz and Dick” tonight.  The TV movie is supposed to be fading starlet Lindsay Lohan’s big “comeback.” Producer Larry A. Thompson had been quoted as saying that working with Lindsay “was not for the faint-hearted,” having had to insure her at 10 times the normal rate compared to a non-train wreck actor.  Co-star Grant Bowler, who plays the rugged Welsh actor Burton, was allegedly overheard saying, “I had to summon up the patience of Gandhi to work with that sleazy little guttersnipe mates!”

Critics have been bashing the film mercilessly since they screened it last week and have suggested if one is fond of drinking games, “Liz and Dick” is not for those who are faint of liver either.  However, we at Unsolicited Drivel thought we would come up with some suggestions anyway…

• Take a drink every time you wish the deadly asp would have killed Lindsay as Cleopatra looooong before she meets Grant Bowler as Mark Antony.

• Take a drink every time you think Taylor's husband Eddie Fisher is clueless about Liz and Dick’s clandestine affair because he’s so high on cocaine he doesn’t even notice her trailer is rocking while he's speed walking around the 20th Century Fox studio lot.

• Take a drink every time Liz makes Dick feel inferior as he grew up poor in Wales and he believes that diamonds will shut a bitch up.

• Take a drink every time you wish that when they play George and Martha in “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?” the couple would just get it over with and bludgeon each other to death with whiskey bottles already.

• Take a drink based upon how many times you imagine Lindsay Lohan whined at the director refusing to play Liz as fat during Taylor's chubby years.

• Take a drink every time Grant Bowler has a distressed look on his face that seems like he wishes he’d never left New Zealand for Hollywood.

• Take a drink every time you think Director Lloyd Kramer contemplated going back to his trailer and O.D.ing on Xanax and Oxy due to Lohan’s bumper car driving and “exhaustion.”

• Take a drink every time your mind is boggled at how Lindsay didn’t even attempt to sound classy like Dame Elizabeth and just used her ruined Marlboro Red/Coke-head burnout voice instead.  Then call 911.