Newt Gingrich Committed Adultery for America

Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich could possibly have banged your Aunt Sally, but if he did, he wants you to know that he did it all for the love of Uncle Sam.

The serial adulterer told CBN’s David Brody that there were times in his life that he was working so diligently for the betterment of America that he forgot to work diligently to maintain his marriage vows.  Yes! He loves America THAT much.

Speaking to the small TV audience of religious voters who are not the gun nuts voting for Sarah Palin, Gingrich said, “I found that I felt compelled to seek God’s forgiveness.  Not God’s understanding, but God’s forgiveness.  I do believe in a forgiving God.”

We asked our Unsolicited Drivel political analyst for comment about Newt’s appeal to the religious right.   He told us, “Well, Gingrich certainly can’t run on his accomplishments.  America does seem to be getting more conservative all the time, so it’s not surprising that Newt’s suddenly found religion and a lot religious people are screwed then because they’ll feel compelled to forgive him.  He’ll have to step up his game though to overtake Huckabee’s lead with those voters.  Unless Newt becomes suddenly confused about Obama’s birthplace or can seriously slam a celebrity for immoral behavior, it will be hard for him to catch up.  He doesn’t strike me as a birther.  But I suppose that now that he’s found religion, he always can pray for Kim Kardashian to get knocked up outside of marriage in an interracial relationship.  Heck, he might not even have to pray for that either.  How much would that suck?  Not Kim getting pregnant,  just a lying turd like Newt getting his way.”