Republicans Scramble to Maintain “Party of Fear” Label for 2012

Washington, DC – As the world was breathing a collective (yet perhaps temporary) sigh of relief that the Obama administration had finally brought terrorist mastermind Osama bin Laden to justice last night, homegrown terrorists on U.S. soil were scratching their heads and wondering how they would win the 2012 elections now.

Due to a lack of any real accomplishments benefiting American citizens, the Republican Party has long run on the ‘Vote for us so we’ll stop scaring the living crap out of you’ ticket in order to get elected to higher office.  Without the threat of bin Laden, and with his likely successor(s) having names that are too unpronounceable for most Americans to remember in order to be constantly afraid of them, GOP politicians are said to be so upset that nearly all of them canceled their tee times this morning.

One Republican strategist told Unsolicited Drivel, “Let’s be real – President Obama killed Osama bin Laden.  Not George W. Bush, and certainly not Sarah Palin.  She would never get a clear shot.  I’m not sure what our next steps will be.  The party’s already looking like more of a joke than usual thanks to Donald Trump and I fully expect him to claim any minute that he is going to conduct independent DNA tests on bin Laden’s remains so he can find another moment to be ‘proud of himself.’  And the rest of the pool of candidates is dismal right now to say the least.  But we have to keep fear alive.  It’s our only hope.  Most Americans will be hesitant to travel abroad for some time after bin Laden’s death due to possible terrorist retaliation, so we’ll have to bump up our efforts to scare the crap out of them on our own shores.  They won’t be quite as scared of Arabs now, so I see us inventing some other kind of bogeyman.  Maybe like a ‘creature from the black lagoon’ type monster?  No, that won’t work.  The liberals will just report the monster is some sort of genetic mutation due to our money-hungry tendency to give industrial polluters lap dances for donations and our having no desire to protect the environment regardless.  This is really going to be a tough one to spin.  I’m out of ideas right now.  Check back with me in six months.  That is, if America is still here!”