Banks Allegedly Devising Plan to Charge Customers for Bad-Mouthing Them

New York – Between the Occupy Wall Street movement and a movement via Facebook encouraging Americans to drop their big banks this past Saturday and open up accounts in credit unions, the country’s largest financial institutions were served a bit of a wake-up call.  And in addition to their planned fees for customers using their ATM cards, Unsolicited Drivel has learned exclusively that the biggest banks may even begin to charge customers for bad-mouthing them.

Speaking anonymously, a banking industry insider told us, “There’s certainly no way of knowing how many customers will choose to close their accounts once the new five dollar monthly ATM fees take effect in 2012.  As a precaution to cover the impending loss in revenue, some the banking giants are considering charging customers additional fees for talking smack about them.  They may send out deceptive offers to get customers to ‘friend’ them on Facebook so they can monitor when they write nasty things about the bank on their wall.  They also are considering equipping each teller with one of those miracle ear devices for customers who want to curse inside the bank.  The fines will also be in effect for when a customer rolls their eyes at the teller, or gives them the finger while speeding through the drive-through.  Fees will vary depending on the amount of disgust the bank deserves.  For example, with a Bank of America or Citibank the fee could be as little as a dollar or two.  For an institution like JP Morgan Chase, where a customer might feel entitled to hurl off a curse such as, ‘f**k you, you f**king f**kers and the horse you rode in on too!’ the fees could run as high as five dollars.  We’re still working out the logistics. But if I were you, I’d buy stock in coffee as most Americans will likely be keeping their money in the cans in the near future."