Thursday, October 20, 2011

RIH: Repeated Insomnia in Hell, Moammar

I somehow found a wireless network on vacation.  So in honor of the people celebrating in Libya today, I bring you my best (worst) of what I wrote about their late murderous, tyrannical leader:

Moammar Gaddafi to Round Out "X-Factor" Judges Panel
Soon-to-be deposed Libyan dictator, Moammar Gaddafi, has been confirmed as a judge on the American version of the “X-Factor” whole-note singing competition premiering this September on Fox.

"X-Factor U.S." auditions were already underway earlier in March in Los Angeles, but creator Simon Cowell had planned to conduct them with producers as the judges, and was still tight-lipped as to which celebrities would helm the panel on the show stating that, “Nicole Scherzinger, Paula Abdul, Mariah Carey and George Michael were among the people on the short list.” 

The list of judges was to be revealed in full after the first round of auditions is completed, but we can confirm for you this morning that Gaddafi WILL be on that panel.

A production assistant, who was verbally abused by Cowell for the last time this morning, told us, “Mariah Carey will not be on the show. She’ll be too busy with her twins who are due shortly. She and Celine Dion  might develop their own reality show about dueling divas with twins, but Simon won't be producing it.  George Michael hasn’t gotten any clearance with his probation officer to appear as of yet.  I’ll tell you who will be on 'X-Factor'  though - that evil dictator dude from North Africa - Gaddafi.  Simon was never really able to work things out with Paula and the failure of her latest dancing show probably signals that her star is fading.  But Simon still wanted to fill the celebrity slot for ‘olive skinned judge who rambles incoherently,’ and Gaddafi could definitely pull that off.  You may ask ‘Why?!?  What does an evil dictator know about the music business?’  But he actually knows a lot, because he knows how to recognize which artists will show up to play for a homicidal maniac just for cold, hard cash.  And really, that’s not too far off from what it will be like for them when they sign their first record company contracts.”

Was Moammar Gaddafi Sweet on Condi Rice?
Tripoli – The inevitable ransacking to try and find a porn stash has already begun in Moammar Gadhafi's Tripoli compound and so far, perhaps the most bizarre find is a photo album of Condoleezza Rice.

The U.S. Military is also reporting that some of the eccentric despot’s other items included a couch in the shape of Ariel from The Little Mermaid, complete with fish scale inlay on the trim, Charlie Chaplin’s original “little tramp” umbrella he bought from the Debbie Reynolds' auction last June, a presumed porn stash courtesy of the Animal Planet channel, a golden fleece and a bag of hen’s teeth because they are notoriously scarce. And yet, this odd assortment doesn’t still doesn’t lead to any clues about Gadhafi’s fascination with former Secretary of State Condi Rice.  

Unsolicited Drivel consulted with an expert on bat-shit crazy dictators for comment who told us, “Rice is a brilliant concert pianist, and we know Moammar appreciates music based upon the number of pop stars that have whored out their integrity to play at his parties, but I don’t think that’s the reason. You’ll notice by the flip in Rice’s hairdo, these pictures were taken during the portion of her tenure as National Security Advisor, not Secretary of State.  When she was Secretary of State, she switched to more of a helmet head hairdo despite not being as much of a warmonger.  Ironic!  Anyway, the earlier period coincided with the unlawful invasion of Iraq, and if anybody can condone violence for no good reason, it would be a delusional mental defective like Gadhafi.  Also, Dick Cheney is not nearly as attractive.”

And finally...

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