Anchors Bemoan Lack of Hard News In AM Infotainment Shows

Curry/Roberts

New York – Imagine having to wake up at 3 or 4 am every morning for your job? Now imagine having to do that with a respected degree in journalism, but primarily to discuss live on the air how the Kardashian Klan manages to keep their back hair re-growth under control to man-trap pro athletes for potential mates? While that prospect may be enough to make you or me want to smash our frontal lobes back into sweet darkness with our Sony Dream Machines, it’s seriously bumming out some morning TV anchors as well.

The Today Show’s anchor Ann Curry and Good Morning America’s Robin Roberts recently admitted to whichever Newsweek editor is likely to get fired next that they fear their shows have grown too “fluffy.”

Really?!?  They don't want to report "hard"news that primarily revolves around a GOP presidential candidate's male member?  Who would have thought?

Perhaps this revelation came on the heels of the CBS Morning Show’s announcement it's hiring Charlie Rose and Gayle King for a more serious approach to morning news, or perhaps the folks at Today are feeling a little touchy as their 60th Anniversary approaches this week and they are reminded that they started with a news anchor riding a tricycle on the air with a chimp as a co-host and nearly 22,000 shows later, not much has changed in the show’s evolution. Really.  All that’s missing now on The Today Show is the repeated airings including a chimp-like sidekick - not to discount the kids from Jersey Shore.  

We asked our media analyst at Unsolicited Drivel for ideas about how these morning shows might increase their credibility with folks who are actually tuning in for news. Here is what he told us:

“I’m going to have to focus on The Today Show for my analysis for you. Good Morning America has always had a slightly more serious tone* and I have to admit I’ve been hesitant to tune in since George Stephanopoulos began his tenure as co-host. You see I have this fear that his over-sharing wife Ali Wentworth might show up on the air strip-teasing off her silk mens’ jammies for George’s birthday and confirm her favorite way to share the sexy times with George is to watch him jump up and down the top bunk after she’s painted his toenails. That being said, let’s take a look at some immediate improvements I’d make to The Today Show at the very least.”

HOW TO MAKE THE TODAY SHOW MORE "SERIOUS" - AN UNVARNISHED LOOK

• Where in the World is Matt Lauer? will go to Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq. People will guess where he is because of these clues: 1) the bloodstains on the floor; 2) Approximate age of bloodstains due to dilution caused by water-boarding; 3) The autographed poster of Lynddie England on the wall; 4) the hooded naked prisoners in a pile behind him.

• Willard Scott will switch from Smucker's Jam to a Smucker's Funeral Home, commenting on how lifelike recently deceased old ladies look while reporting on the weather. This change will also make his antiquated boutonnière he likes to wear make more fashion sense.

• Al Roker will report live on his feet being amputated due to diabetes during a hurricane on the Outer Banks. And special medical technology to keep Al's dogs dry will be unveiled during the life-saving segment.  His bandages will be made of recycled plastic bags originally intended by rednecks to have been used to suffocate sea turtles.

• Morning anchor Natalie Morales and former White House Correspondent Savannah Guthrie are starting to seem nearly interchangeable since they brought Savannah in-studio. Either send Savannah out on more location assignments, or occasionally dress her in drag like they did with her as Prince Charles on Halloween.

• Still not even sure why they have a FOURTH hour**, but Hoda Kotb and Kathy Lee Gifford could do a new, more honest segment where is it indeed obvious that they are drinking Chardonnay live on the show while they remain in their Velcro curlers throughout the hour and diss all the other Today Show hosts before having a cat-fight to close out each episode. Kathy Lee will also spend an inordinate amount of time discussing husband Frank’s prostate problems and fans can wager on just when Hoda will finally clock her with a box of Franzia to get her to stop. This action will also alleviate Kathy Lee’s need for regular Botox injections which she would no longer be able to blather about.  Another HUGE plus!”



*Singer Chris Brown throwing chairs through windows.
**To pay for Kathie Lee's hormone replacement therapy?