Herman Cain Was Unaware of Sexual Harassment Allegations as He Was Unaware He Was Running for President

Mentally, I'm scratching my head.

Stockbridge, GA - Herman Cain can explain: He was unaware that allegations about his past inappropriate behavior would come to light, because he was unaware that he was actually running for president.  Yes, you read that correctly.

A spokesperson for Cain’s camp who we can only refer to as “extra special assistant to smoking man” told Unsolicited Drivel, “Herman never, ever thought he’d get this far along in the campaign, so he never expected to be vetted by the press on the Internets.  Seriously. The 9-9-9 Plan was just a gimmick dreamed up by an Atlanta boutique branding agency we hired.  If Herman had truly believed he’d rise this high in the polls, I’m sure he would have tried to remember that incident in question while he was at the National Restaurant Association. The one where he commented on a female co-worker’s height as to how it compared to her chest circumference.  We have now explained to Herman that yesterday’s hubbub wasn’t a witch hunt just because it was Halloween, but because he’s still not Mitt Romney and that’s very appealing to the GOP. We really thought by this point in the game Herman would have a new job in his long line of many, many, many jobs - maybe be the new CEO of the Olive Garden, and he’d continue on with his tradition of a non-Italian totally ruining Italian food and merely harassing America's taste buds. Wow! I guess all we need to do now is put a Ronald Reagan wig on him and we’ll have the nomination delivered faster than flavor-free pizza."