Friday, April 16, 2010

My Day With the Tea Party

Washington, DC, a city of unremarkable sandwiches, was the gathering place for the grass roots Tea Party movement yesterday, and their great tax revolt of 2010.  Revolting against taxes that are…well BELOW than they ever were during the Bush years.  Remember dear readers – I love IRONY.  That is why I stood clapping like a trained seal for 2.5 hours yesterday.  Also, I stood clapping for fear of being clubbed like a seal.

Here are some things I learned yesterday:

1.    Although I’ve never claimed to be a reporter (just someone who likes to goof on phonies without mercy), I was still woefully under-prepared, with my pen running out of ink, and other technical difficulties.  My bad.  Also, I am finally going to stump up the dough for a mobile PDA device phony-camera-texty-thingy. (That’s in Sarah Palin speak!)

2.    The best news is I don’t think that I will ever become a victim of spontaneous human combustion, because if it were going to happen, it would have yesterday due to two guys standing next to me with “Glenn Beck 2012” buttons on.

3.    The Tea Party is probably not who most of us thought they were.  A woman without many teeth directed me to the rally at the appropriately chosen, “Freedom Plaza.”  I wondered to myself why she would be against affordable health care?  When I reached the Plaza, it seemed likely that most of them had healthcare – Medicare and Medicaid.  And, most of them were probably collecting Social Security.  Two programs courtesy of…you guessed it – their reviled big government.   A lot of them seemed fairly well off in general - maybe from cheating on their taxes?

Supposedly, this was the first time the media had shown up in full force and the place was packed with reporters and camera equipment.  Even the BBC.  This guy had never heard the slogan, "Don't Tread on Me."  I'll let him get away with it though, because they probably don't spend a good portion of the curriculum across the pond on the Revolutionary War.  Even if he didn't get my jokes.

They had a jumbo-tron so nobody would miss the rabble-rousing.  For a rally that was thrown together in only 9 days, it seemed to be quite a well-organized and well-funded event.  But guess what?  This is because the Republican National Committee funded this GRASS ROOTS event.   In teensy type on every poster and flier, it read:

Paid for by the Republican National Committee.  Not authorized by any candidate, or candidate’s committee.

Talk about a re-branding campaign!  Despite not being authorized by any Republican candidate, Republican elected officials there included:

Senator Satan-Saxby Chambliss, Mad-Dog Michele Bachmann, and Representatives Steve King, John Linder and Jack Kingston – repeat: all there in an unauthorized capacity.

They played the cheesiest patriotic music you could imagine and all that seemed missing was Uncle Sam in person walking around greeting people and kissing babies.  They claimed there were over 260,000 people there but I don’t believe that.  A field that was about 1/3 full at around 300 people at the DADT rally, was full yesterday, with not much overflow.  While I am no mathematician, that still adds up to maybe 1,000 people to me.  Plus, don't all of those people have to eat?  I didn't have to wait in line for a sub that was screaming for flavor only a block away.

So, where did they get that number of over a quarter million?!?  Why by conducting a census, of course!  Even though most of them won’t even fill out their U.S. Census forms.  I don’t know why that is.  The form I filled out only wanted to know how many people lived in our house and whether or not they were beaners.  Hey, I have a close friend who is a beaner.  I can get away with saying that.  Now we must move on to the presumption then that the Tea Party can count.  I don’t buy it, BECAUSE, many of them cannot spell. Some cannot even speak.  The chairman of this Online Tax Revolt, Ken Hoagland, at one point accused liberals of “hurling racial epitats” at the Tea Party.  Oh, yes he did!  People standing next to me flinched.  Other doozies included one speaker who complained about the “montrocity of Obamacare,” and one of the brainiacs who wanted Glenn Beck for President had his name spelled wrong on his poster (Glen).  Sorry, I couldn’t get a picture of that one as he kept holding it sideways and I couldn’t choke out a request for him to pose without laughing. Here's Mr. Epitat himself, Ken Hoagland, above, trying to revolutionize the English language.

You can hear all of their delightful speeches, every single one being EXACTLY THE SAME, if you go to  With that in mind, as there is nothing more to report other than taxes are bad, guns are good, we don’t want grandma unplugged and the Tea Party is not bunch of litterbugs, let’s get on to more pictures of the wildlife:

You simply must, must, must have an obligatory Hitler reference at all of these rallies, because,  being a flaming liberal, Obama hates the Jews?  Obama's not a flaming liberal regardless.  And, he's whiter than I am. But they don't care if he's purple --as long as he can provide a valid U.S. birth certificate.   And, the last time I checked, you had to be an effective public speaker to sway the public (lemmings).  I wish Mike Myers had been there dressed as Dieter to tell them, "your nonsensical comparison has become tiresome!!!"

You also can't have a truly noteworthy Tea Party rally without bad grammar.  It's even more effective in pointing out one's propensity for being a nut-bag if the grammar is also attached to a "birther."  That's double fun viewing pleasure my friends. Do you think he's still smarting from people calling his beloved Dubya an idiot?  I think it's probably a safe bet.

This was one of the entertainers.  Again, pen ran out of ink and I apologize that I don't have his proper name.  He was patriotic enough to include Lady Liberty in his song.  The only thing about him of which I am positive:  He was the only black guy there who wasn't a rich old white guy in an Obama mask because Michael Steele couldn't make it.  Steele was probably grounded.

Speaking of entertainers, or more accurately, middling has-been talents,  here is my new favorite C.U. Next Tuesday, Victoria Jackson.  I suppose she was there to entertain because the other comedienne, Sarah Palin, couldn't make it and was all tapped out after pouring tea into Boston Harbor.  Can you rhyme the word communist in a song?  Well, don't feel bad, because neither can she.  I kept waiting for her to invite Jon Voight up on stage so she could dry hump him.

I have no idea what this guy was doing there.  As previously stated, every speech was the same and included:

  • Taxes bad
  • Government bad
  • Guns good
  • Do not litter
  • We won't let you kill Grandma
I think he was at the wrong rally.  However, he could be there to represent Joe the Plumber with his PVC pipe sign, as Joe, unfortunately, couldn't make it.  He was probably too busy penning his memoir (or manifesto) about John McCain ruining his life.

Michele Bachmann stated,  "Blah, blah, blah.   I didn't vote for their crappy socialist stuff.  I exclusively vote the way the voices in my head tell me.  I'm here because Sarah Palin couldn't make it, and they needed to up the hot chick quotient as Victoria ain't cutting it, and neither is that American Idol reject that we had butcher the National Anthem earlier.  Don't I have really bitchin' arms like that other Michelle?  The government will own every small business by the November elections come this fall.  They are even coming to take over your snowball stand this summer."

They were running around with these "new and improved" stars and bars flags for the second revolution.  The problem was, they only had thirteen stars.  I'm guessing these are the colonies that they would keep:

1. Massachusetts  2. Texas  3. Georgia  4. Florida   5. Nevada
6. Virginia   7. South Carolina  8. Arkansas  9. Michigan
10.  Nebraska  11. Alabama  12.  Tennessee  13. Utah

Sorry, North Carolina but you don't have as much crazy street cred since Jesse died.  And Minnesota, I know you gifted us with Michele, but Michigan has more militia.

Upon leaving after 2.5 hours of hearing (yes!)  the exact same speeches over and over again and the musical stylings of right-wing-nuts,  due to a low blood sugar attack, and only after realizing that Palin wasn't going to show up, I encountered my favorite protester here.  He made the only argument I agreed with all day.

You can see the rest of my slide show form the "Great Tax Revolt of 2010" here.

All in all,  I would have to say that yesterday was the most surreal experience I have ever had, and that says a LOT coming from someone who has worked many years in the theater.  You, betcha!

8 comments so far :

Anonymous said...

Delightful read Laurie B! I'm going to check in with your blog more often.
Laurie T (the OldGrayMare)

Laurie B. said...


Sylvestre said...

Good story! I tawt I taw an epitat

Alec said...

Good job talking to those crazy folks....of course, they collect Social Security and love Medicare....they"paid into it all those years."
What drivel; if we collected only what we paid in, our payments would last a year, tops.
Good job

DonnaW said...

Love your reporting "Drivel"! I haven't laughed this hard since your last post! :-) Love the pics, too. Wish I could have been there with ya!

Amy B said...

Awesome Laurie! The pix are great, especially loved the 'Lardo' one!

Kristinker said...

I gotta tell ya, Laurie, I about fell out of my chair laughing. Girl, you nailed it! I felt like I was standing next to you in the midst of the crazies! Keep it up!! Hilarious.

Laurie B. said...

Thanks! There will be more field trips. Next time with the appropriate electronics and Gatorade too.

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