Romneys Have Problems Too!

It’s Official: Wax Figure of Abraham Lincoln More in Touch With American People Than Mitt Romney

Photo via: Instagram

Gettysburg, PA – It’s hard to believe that the Republicans could possibly choose a presidential candidate more out of touch with the average American than Mittholomew J.P. Pennypacker Romney, or “Mitt” as he’s known to his friends who own practically everything in the world. But one man believes that Republicans should choose someone seemingly more out of touch – a wax museum replica of Abraham Lincoln.  Or is he?

After a recent visit to Gettsyburg and perhaps after consuming few Yuenglings, young patriot Kevin White admitted to Unsolicited Drivel, “It would be nearly impossible, even regardless of his bodily composition of wax, that this likeness of Abraham Lincoln, possibly the last Republican president who wasn’t a just a self-involved dick, could be more out of touch with the average American than Mitt “ask your parents for money” Romney.  They are equal are far as foreign policy experience goes too.  Fake Lincoln only had to worry about England and Mitt Romney only had to worry about his next vacation to England.  I’m sure fake Lincoln could run and win on name recognition alone if he wanted to.  I might have one more beer and try to convince him to throw his hat in the ring.  The only problem is that Republicans don’t believe in climate change, so it would be kind of hard to explain to Lincoln why he started to melt before he got to deliver his keynote speech at the convention in Tampa this summer.”

GOP Affection Always Comes With Strings Attached

Thanks to Ann (I have more nannies than you have extended family) Romney, stay-at-home moms are now the coveted voters in this presidential election.

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Horny Country Breathes Sigh of Relief as Santorum Suspends Presidential Campaign

U.S .of A. – Red blooded Americans nationwide who don’t believe that sex should be merely for conception breathed a sigh of relief today when abstinence lover Rick Santorum suspended his GOP presidential campaign. The notorious non-masturbator, birth control hater and not gay sex discharge, was far behind in his delegate count to garner the Republican nomination and was reportedly not looking forward to getting creamed again by 18 points or more in his former home state of Pennsylvania in the primary on April 24^th.

A spokesperson for the Santorum campaign told Unsolicited Drivel, “We are not ending the campaign, we are merely suspending it. That means we can still tie up loose ends.   Translation: use Super Pac money to further our bat-shit right wing agenda with the hope that Mitt will pick Rick as VP when the time comes in Tampa. Newt Gingrich may be all for polygamy, but that’s not Mitt’s brand of Mormonism.   Romney’s never going to appeal to conservatives, so we think Rick, with his thinking that would surely take America back to the 1600s at least and possibly even bring back public flogging, might be a real boost to GOP ticket.  Also, it was getting too warm for sweater vests and those were Rick’s only real appeal to folksy Americans who aren’t busy thumping the Bible instead of humping their wives.”

Mitt Romney to Announce Irish Setter as VP Pick

Madison, WI – Presumed GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney is in town this week for the Wisconsin primary on Tuesday and it’s expected that he’s going to make a bold announcement – the choice of his Vice Presidential pick.

Unsolicited Drivel has learned that the billionaire former governor has no plans to rest on his piles of cash through the rest of the primaries on the road to the Republican National Convention, but instead will announce an Irish Setter will be his running mate this week to stir up an unprecedented amount of public support for an out of touch rich dude.

 A spokesperson for the Romney campaign told us, “As you are aware, throughout the campaign there have been horrible allegations that Mitt allegedly strapped his pet Irish Setter, Seamus, to the roof of his car on a trip to Canada. I can assure you that’s merely hearsay. Americans really love their pets, and as most Americans can no longer afford to have children, the popularity of the household pet is rising even more. We have adopted Sean Fitzgerald Romney, whom I can assure you did NOT come from a puppy mill, to soften up Mitt’s image and gain what we believe will be a huge amount of votes. Sean already has his own suite – inside the bus – and the Secret Service has stepped up to protect him. And Americans need not worry about anything happening to Mitt should he become president and Sean having to actually step his paws into Mitt’s shoes to run the country. Irish Setters may not be the most intelligent breed, but they are at least as intelligent as Sarah Palin. And they have their shit together. But everyone knows that Mitt’s really a cyborg, so we can just have him easily repaired.”

A Good Possibility

(Via Being Liberal)

Friends to Stage Election “Intervention” For Newt Gingrich

Somewhere in Virginia – Friends of GOP presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich expressed concern this week that he has yet to drop out of the 2012 race after trailing a distant third place for basically what now feels like forever.

A pal of the former Speaker of the House told Unsolicited Drivel, “We’re going to have to step in and do something.  I know for a fact that the media is tired of interviewing him.  I heard that one of the political pundits, let’s just say his name rhymes with Schmavid Schmegory, told his producer that he’d rather gnaw his own arm off than have Newt on his show one more time.  I can understand that.  I mean I feel that way when Newt’s across the table at a dinner party sometimes when he starts trying to justify why he usually leaves his wives.  But now we’re starting to wonder if he’s just plain nuts, as he still doesn’t seem to realize his campaign stinks of failure so badly, it could knock a buzzard off a shit wagon.  So we plan to get together and encourage him to drop out of the race as it seems most Americans would rather vote for a haircut or a sweater vest and Newt’s only a philandering shyster. Philanders can get to the White House easily, but not shysters.  On second thought, maybe if we got Newt one of those Mr. Rodgers type cardigan sweaters it might, revitalize his campaign?  Nah.  Time for Newt to have a ‘come to Jesus’ talk instead of his just constantly talking about his supposed relationship with Him.”

I Think I'll Offer to be Rick Santorum's Stylist

The conservatives should like this new vest.  I've been watching that Brad guy on Bravo.  I think that qualifies me to be Rick Santorum's stylist, don't you?  It's bedazzled cashmere in case you were wondering.

I Think Newt's Head is Make of Cheese

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Mitt Romney’s Blind When it Comes to His Trust$

It only seemed like a bad dream, but it really was ANOTHER Republican debate last night.  At some point during the nightmare after Mitt Romney finished pretending to have no knowledge that he ran a Gingrich attack ad where he labeled Spanish “the language of the ghetto” (and also that of half his immediate family) he began to pretend to have no knowledge of what he’s paying his 13.9% income tax on.  After being accused of investing in Freddie Mae and Freddie Mac, the same evil corporate one time employers of his nemesis Newt Gingrich, Romney began to scramble to do damage control by insisting the money was in “blind” trusts.    

We did a little digging and it seems that Mitt IS totally clueless about what he invests his money in.  He would probably be shocked to know that he actually has investments in:

• Freddie Mae
• Freddie Mac
• An organization that provides support groups for guys that don’t get why people think they are flaming a-holes when they leave their deathly ill wives for hotter, younger chicks 
• An organization that provides training for hot chicks to become divorced from reality in order to bang ugly, older corrupt guys for Tiffany trinkets 
• Reality TV star chain of rehab centers
• The Gingrich Group
• The company that makes Ron Paul’s eyebrow toupees and Rand Paul’s regular toupee
• Godfather Pizza
• Anti-Gay Groups
• Anti-Straight Groups
• Anti-Mormon Groups
• The Mormon Church
• The production of “The Book of Mormon"
• And most importantly – an organization founded to protect the right hand from any knowledge whatsoever of what the left hand is ever doing

Reminder: Rick Santourm's Still Running for President

Rick Perry Shocks Voters By Dropping Out of Presidential Race They Already Thought He Had Quit

Columbia, SC – Texas Governor Rick Perry is expected to be dropping out of the GOP 2012 presidential race today a full two weeks after people believed he had thrown in the saddle blanket.  Perry is planning to speak to an empty parking lot at the Piggly Wiggly some time around 11am and like fellow quitter, Sarah Palin, it is believed he’s going to endorse Newt Gingrich simply because he’s not Mitt Romney.

An aide in Perry’s camp told Unsolicited Drivel, “I know most of America thought he dropped out after Iowa when we used the word ‘reassess’ in regard to Rick’s campaign. I’ll tell you it was pretty tough on his ego to lose the Iowa caucuses not only to the other candidates, but also to write-in votes for a truckload of corn and a ball of lint on Rick Santorum’s sweater vest.  We thought for sure Rick’s down home charm would appeal more in the Deep South, but apparently we were wrong.  We think the problem is that he’s not able to execute anybody along the campaign trail to bolster his popularity the way he does back home in Texas when his approval rating’s in the shitter.”

Twinkie and Wonder Bread Maker Shockingly Files for Bankruptcy in Midst of Obesity Epidemic

New York – Has years of treating employees fairly by providing benefits and pensions finally caught up to Hostess Brands forcing them into bankruptcy?   That’s the story the snack maker is telling its creditors this week.

Unsolicited Drivel found it hard to believe an American company was not only still providing medical benefits, but also contributing to pensions in this economy, so we decided to dig deeper into Hostess’ economic conundrum.  We spoke with an insider at the bakery who told us, “We’ve always planned ahead financially to take care of our employees.  So you are correct in that there’s more to the story than they are letting on.  That bitch Little Debbie has nothing to do with our problems either.  And it wasn’t a result of Michelle Obama and her anti-childhood obesity campaign.  Although, I’m sure the right will blame Mrs. Obama.  But ironically, it was the GOP that killed sales in the last quarter for our Twinkie brand and they can take blame for our current financial crisis.  For some odd reason, Americans never tired of seeing the the Republican presidential candidates deep-throating corn dogs at the Iowa State Fair and quickly abandoned not only regular Twinkies, but also deep-fried Twinkies in favor of the corn dogs.  I don’t know what’s going to happen to the company now.  I really wish they had at least followed my suggestion of letting little poor kids know that hollowing out Wonder Bread and forming it into a ball could double as a toy in a pinch as you can bounce it off of walls good as rubber. That suggestion might have floated the company through the holidays, provided our Christmas bonuses this year and delayed our filing for bankruptcy for a month or so for sure.”

Huntsman Sees Solid Gains in New Hampshire as Not Completely Out of Touch Rich Bastard Homophobic Racist Candidate

Who is this man?

Manchester – He may not have the insane wealth to mask having no real qualifications for higher office of a Mitt Romney, the homophobia and complete knack for doublespeak of a Rick Santorum, the alleged racial hatred of a Ron Paul, or the blow-hardiness and serial marrying tendencies of a Newt Gingrich, but former Utah Governor Jon Huntsman is suddenly surging in the polls in New Hampshire. And John McCain won't even show up at any of his rallies to forget his name while endorsing him.  WTF?

Unsolicited Drivel caught up with one Granite State voter for comment on Huntsman who told us, “I’m conservative by nature, but in order to vote I really have to have no idea what a candidate stands for.  That’s the only way I can vote a straight Republican ticket in good conscience.  I have NO friggin' clue what this Huntsman guy is about.  Really, I'm totally in the dark.   Our state motto is ‘Live Free or Die’ and my idea of living free is to vote for the guy I have the least amount of information on and Huntsman totally fits that bill.  Has anyone even heard him speak?  And I don't even know if he's a hating hater or not. How’d he manage that, I wonder?  Keeping the GOP core values and hatred separate?  That's some real clever campaigning,  I'll tell you."

Inside Newt Gingrich’s New and Improved Anti-Adultery Pledge!

Someplace in Iowa – Self-proclaimed and actual GOP front-runner Newt Gingrich has signed a pledge that he’ll never be an adulterous letch again!  Yes, you read that correctly.

A socially conservative group got the thrice-married Gingrich to sign a pledge this week in which the Republican presidential hopeful also vowed to defend the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) so Americans can’t have equal rights or marry dolphins or tortoises like Fox News host Bill O’Reilly’s fears the most.

Unsolicited Drivel has also learned exclusively that Gingrich pledged to the future ex-Mrs. Gringrich, Callista, that he will never cheat on her in the future without her a full having a full Pet Scan done to show if she has any signs of illness.  Calllista, trying to come across as human, believed the scan had something to due with the SPCA, so was also happy to sign the pledge with her conflict diamond-encrusted Mont Blanc she purchased (with a Groupon) from Tiffany’s.

In another crap-tinged story, the second haircut in the GOP race, Mitt Romney, had incident where he believed he could show he could relate to Middle America by recalling a day when he had to poop in a bucket once while in France.  But sadly, Romney's hopes were dashed again when it was revealed it had been holding a bottle of Veuve Clicquot earlier in the evening.

The Borderline Mentally Challenged Candidate from Texas is Back

Courtesy of the fine folks at Bad Lip Reading. And he's a wearin' his Brokeback Mountain jack agin!

Bad Lip Reading: Rick Perry's "Strong" ad - watch more funny videos

It's Like I've Said - Nominate a Box of Rocks

Actually, I've changed my mind to a headless chicken for the GOP to run in 2012.  My favorite cartoonist (who probably got me kicked of Facebook!) below is looking for dinner companions in NYC.   Check out his blog if you are interested.

It is Beginning to Look a Lot Like Newt Gingrich

Although if I were the GOP, I'd toss one of Sarah Palin's ski boots in the race for now instead.

Donald Trump Set to Moderate a Republican Debate?

Des Moines, IA – Will The Donald be “firing” any 2012 GOP candidates this election cycle? It seems possible now that Newsmax has scheduled the TV reality star to host what will very likely be a lively debate on Ion TV on December 27th.

A spokesperson for the business mogul told Unsolicited Drivel, “Everybody loves Donald Trump as he’s continued to reinvent himself bankruptcy after bankruptcy and has upgraded his wives’ hotness each time as well. We think he will bring a lively, grassroots angle to the GOP debate. And speaking of roots, between Trump, Romney and Ron Paul’s eyebrows it should be one of the more interesting debates from a strictly follicle angle. Too bad Rod Blagojevich is no longer a politico! Expect this debate to be much more like The Apprentice as it will take place at a conference table and be more like a brainstorming session. That will give Rick Perry a chance to show America that his brain still does actually work.  Maybe. There will be no trick questions. Like which country does or doesn’t have nuclear weapons? Are you listening Herman Cain? Trump doesn’t even care if any of them can pronounce the word ‘nuclear.’ Should he get back in the race himself, he’d only nuke North Korea anyway. I expect the Donald will primarily just want to know what the candidates’ plans are for penalizing China for taking such advantage of the U.S. financially. Donald had proposed a 25% tariff on all of their imports and also insisted that they use their own products at home and resume binding their feet again. This Trump debate should be a really exciting event. Now if we can just get through the weekend without Newt Gingrich firing all of the other candidates first!”

Cynical Lizard is Raising Cain!