Newt Gingrich Can Save Our Schools – Using Our Very Own Our Kids!

While our troops in Iraq will quietly be celebrating their last Thanksgiving dodging car bombs between bites this year, a different kind of turkey entered the holiday spotlight over the weekend – GOP presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich.  Yes, it's all good news for the lawmakers currently struggling to find any positive solutions outside of a can of tomato paste for Americans before the holiday break - at least when it comes to funding our schools.  And it’s all because Newt Gingrich announced on Friday that we should just fire all of the janitors and let the kids work themselves to keep the schools running. 

The current-front-running non-Romney-2012-GOP-candidate told a captive crowd, “This is something liberals won’t want to deal with.  The idea of union-busting the janitors and putting our resources we already have, our kids, to work for our schools, as they should be. And I can’t believe our party’s gotten this much mileage out of the notion of union-busting as we wouldn’t have weekends and holidays for workers to even enjoy in this country without unions.  Ironic, I know! Kind of like every proposal we make.  Of course, we’ll have to find a way to un-cramp the kids’ hands from texting so that they will be able to wrap around a broom handle, but I’m working on a solution for that.  But I PROMISE YOU, that solution to the scourge of ‘text hand’ will NOT include using OBAMACARE.  Maybe if I just offer each kid a picture of my stunning current wife Callista to use as a screensaver, they’ll slow down on texting as they won’t want the battery to wear down so as to lose her beautiful face without the Cindy McCain opinions on their phone screens?  I do regret that not every American child will likely be as fortunate as I was to marry my math teacher and grow up to be entirely about money, but kids starting to build their work ethic as soon as 13-years old wouldn’t hurt on their quest to be self-sufficient even if they don’t have that special spark that will ultimately lead to total corruption and possible elected office.  And as your soon to be chosen presidential candidate for 2012,  even though I look like I'm living inside a sausage casing, I can assure you that I've still never had a conversation about sausage with a female co-worker.  And remember, you have even more to be thankful for this holiday as I’m still not Mitt Romney. Thanks and God Bless the children!"