Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Gollum Demands Brad Pitt Make Angelina Jolie Return "The Ring"

Middle Earth – The protector of the One Ring, or “the precious” as he likes to gurgle it, was hopping mad this week as he has convinced himself that Brad Pitt stole it and used it in the design of Angelina Jolie’s engagement ring. 

Unsolicited Drivel spoke with the shriveled little thing recently about his concerns.

U.D.: “Your claim certainly comes as a surprise. Everybody always thought the reason the Hollywood super couple hadn’t gotten married was because we don’t have marriage equality in this country. Then they ditched the idea of their gay pals having equality and decided to put that big ol’ hunk of ice on Angie’s finger. At first I was surprised, thinking Angelina would never wear a ‘conflict’ diamond being so socially conscious and all. But then I found out that Brad had their daughter Zahara mine it herself on a return trip to visit relatives in Africa. That’s probably the only time the little lady wasn’t wearing a dress. She’s the Anti-Shiloh, you know. So what’s this business about The Ring?”

Gollum: “I can’t say with complete certainty, but the ring disappeared about the same time that Pitt began designing Jolie’s ring – a couple of years ago. I suppose it took him so long to design one ring as he smoked too much pot. Me, I’d have it designed in an afternoon. Or in my sleep. That ring makes you plenty popular and the most famous woman in the world obviously would want even more fame. It's like a drug, even better than Botox and she used to do plenty of drugs. Anyway, I still can't find it and I’m pretty sure that Brad dude is guilty as Hell. He's pretty shifty looking. Not as shifty as an Orc mind you, but shifty enough.” 

U.D.: “But the ring makes you invisible and turns you evil. Angie is a known exhibitionist and a humanitarian.”

Gollum: “Lately her leg has been more popular than she has been, between her movies bombing and her directing depressing, rape-y ones. Maybe she only wants to show her leg to the fans and make the rest of her invisible? As for evil, who do you think sent Jennifer Aniston the script for Wanderlust? Now Angie will be able to finish her off at last! It’s also a girlfriend deflector. I know Angie already said she has no friends, so why not develop that into her super power?  I have demanded they return the ring to me immediately, but as I have to go through their publicists, I have little to no hope.” 

U.D.: "Well you’ve got me convinced. Especially with the claim about evil Angie sending Jen crappy movie scripts in recent years. Good luck, Gollum. I hope you get your ‘precious’ back. Hey, maybe you could ask Gabby Sidibe to help you out?”

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