ABC News to Rethink Reporting Fake Facts After Aurora Tragedy

Joke's on you Brian.

New York – ABC News made it clear to a stunned and grieving America on Friday morning that they no longer budget for fact checking with reporter and notorious flub-a-dubber, Brian Ross, falsely connecting the Dark Knight movie theater shooter to the Aurora, Colorado Tea Party. Ross also falsely connected the shooter James Holmes with the comic book character The Joker, when again, for accuracy’s sake, he probably should have gone with Sideshow Bob. 

 Our reporting staff at Unsolicited Drivel began to rapidly channel surf after Ross’ flub on Friday and found no other news outlets making the connection. We did also find the following people who share the name Brian Ross – a child molester who collects young boys’ underwear like trophies; an inside trader who blows his nose with his ill-gotten gains all over the sleeping protestors of Occupy Wall Street; a pregnant transgender man; a Justin Bieber stalker; a high-ranking member of the Westboro Baptist Church; a Florida man who has his own minority voter-suppression fan page on Facebook; a dude who claims he was integral in establishing Mitt Romney’s off-shore bank accounts to become a tax dodge, a gay dad on Toddlers in Tiaras, and a guy who knows a guy who claims he knows a guy in the Muslim Brotherhood. However, WE ARE IN NO WAY SAYING THESE PEOPLE ARE THE SAME BRIAN ROSS! 

In an editorial conference call yesterday, the ABC president told the staff that they were going to need to tone down the phony facts in their otherwise exemplary coverage. He stated, “We are not Fox.” And further added, “We laid off over 300 people last year and are still operating in the red. Do you know how much money it takes to keep Diane Sawyer’s hair looking like frozen corn-silk that could withstand a twister, Barbara Walters in angioplasties, Whoopi Goldberg and Mario Batali in new clogs and Katie Couric in tooth whitener? Not to mention all the sequins we have to use on costumes to get people to watch ‘stars’ who could just as easily be dancing on Hollywood Boulevard with a cup for change. And that’s even before we budget for the scripted shows! I want the newsroom to take steps to make sure this doesn’t happen again. And if you feel yourself having a tough time resisting something that only a biased jack-ass would say, call up Jimmy from Jimmy Kimmel Live and ask him to deliver the falsehood in a jokey tone. That way Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert will leave us alone and go back to picking on cable news channels like they should.”