Sunday, December 30, 2012

The Year in Media Manipulators

Long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away, I started my career in radio.  Obviously, that did not last.  Long story.  Yet in all the years that have followed my exit from the media, the industry has not made me regret my decision....

More Historical Inaccuracies From Bill O’Reilly’s "Killing Lincoln" Book Revealed!
Fox News pundit Bill O’Reilly is no stranger to folks thinking he’s a blow-hard dork. However, this time his new book on Abraham Lincoln has focused on the fact that he’s also a lying and or/delusional dork.

Despite being on the New York Times bestseller list (along with books about attracting “juice heads” penned by Snooki and Chelsea Handler’s most recent guide to masturbating with household furniture), the on-line magazine recently reported that "Killing Lincoln", which O’Reilly co-authored with Martin Dugard, is so riddled with factual errors that the National Parks Service took time out from painting their future “We’re Closed” signs at the request of Congress to reveal all of the mistakes in the perhaps treacherous tome before out and out banning it from the bookstore at the Ford’s Theatre.

We at Unsolicited Drivel spent a large portion of last week reading “Killing Lincoln,” and are stunned to bring you even more factual inaccuracies this morning. Other O’Reilly tall tales include but are not limited to:

-Lincoln farmed minks illegally in a bathtub with chicken wire over it, yet he was morally opposed to wearing fur.
-Lincoln started the Civil War because he lost drinking game with Ulysses S. Grant.
-His wife Mary was a card counter and casinos were forced to turn a blind eye by Lincoln’s newly invented Secret Service.
-Lincoln’s favorite drink was Hawaiian Punch. In fact, he invented it despite never having been to Polynesia.
-His son Tad was originally going to be named Nostradamus until Lincoln got in a fight with his best friend, Nostradamus Brown.
-Lincoln had a skin condition which prevented him from wearing socks. To help him not feel odd, Mary had all the socks removed from the White House. No pets were even allowed to be named “Socks” in the White House either until William Jefferson Clinton had the ban lifted in 1993.
-He never ate rutabagas because he hated the vegetable’s name.
-Lincoln never graduated from law school, although he practiced as a lawyer without incident. His actual major was fine art with an emphasis fashion and he had hoped to become a haberdasher.
-He only wore a beard to cover up a scratch on his cheek a high school girlfriend gave him when he got fresh with her at the senior prom.
-He had a pet mouse that could do tricks. His favorite trick was to have it run to the top of a dollhouse and jump off the roof onto a tiny trampoline. The mouse's name was Jebediah.
-Lincoln only went to the Ford Theatre because they had the best popcorn outside of Springfield, Illinois.  

Satan to Pull All Rush Limbaugh Ads

Hell – Satan, Prince of Darkness, his lowdownedness Lord Lucifer, announced today that even he has decided to pull advertising from Rush Limbaugh’s right wing radio program.

Speaking exclusively to Unsolicited Drivel, the demon of all demons told us, “You probably didn’t know how many retail ventures I have.  Like you know when you hear an ad for a mattress company selling for prices so low that you know the beds must be pre-owned, peed upon or infested with bed bugs?  Yeah, those companies are mine.  I also have other businesses like where we offer to back up all your computer data for a nominal fee and then sell your personal information to identity thieves.  Those are my types of businesses that were perfect for the Limbaugh demographic – complete boneheads who never think for themselves.  But Rush’s use of the word ‘slut’ to describe a private citizen who wasn’t even asking for government money to buy birth control pills ‘to make her a prostitute’ went over the line.  Don’t get me wrong – I do evil everyday.  Evil is my thing.  I’m responsible for reality TV you know. The Real Housewives franchise was my idea.  But it’s not my place to condone the actions of the incredibly stupid and I haven’t sold a mattress contaminated with Hep-C since this slutty Limbaugh shit storm began.  You think the fires of hell just burn without fuel?  No my enemies.  I have to buy coal - preferably that's been mined in a manner to cause future environmental disasters.  Let God deal with the stupid people.  He's the one who created Limbaugh that way."

Dennis Miller Hopes to Be Next Big A-Hole on the Radio
Los Angeles – Representatives for Dennis Miller said this week that the failed comedian/failed sportcaster hopes to become the next big, flaming, right wing a-hole in America as his radio show with Dial Global is going nationwide.

Miller’s camp told Unsolicited Drivel, “Clearly the handwriting is on the wall for Rush Limbaugh after the Sandra Fluke controversy.  If Rush finally caves to pressure from liberal scum and decides to leave the radio to ‘spend more time with his future ex-wife,’ that would create a huge void in freakishly conservative assholes on the airwaves.  That’s why we rushed, pun intended, to ink Dennis’ 300-station deal.  Now you’ll be able to hear him in every major market saying sexist, crude remarks.  Pretty nervy for a guy who used to sport a mullet.   Expect Dennis' usual targets like Nancy Pelosi and Hillary Clinton.  And he's looking forward to slamming Elizabeth Warren’s looks while having no real knowledge about her policies when she kicks Scott Brown’s ass out of the Senate.  We’ll just counter the public outrage from women by having Sarah Palin on the show the next day after Dennis makes a gaffe.  If Sarah’s not available, we’ll get Ann Coulter.  We’re pretty sure she’s female.”

Keith Olbermann to Take Over Oprah’s Failing Network
Chicago – Hot off the heel that booted him off Current TV last week, rumors are flying that irascible pundit Keith Olbermann is in talks to take over Oprah Winfrey’s failing OWN cable network.

Olbermann was spotted in the Windy City over the weekend dining with Winfrey and feeding her deep-dish pizza like a scene out of Lady and the Tramp, leading many media analysts to believe the takeover is already a done deal.

A former co-worker of Olbermann’s at Current TV told Unsolicited Drivel, “Keith had been planning on leaving Current way before Al Gore booted him.  His desk was too close to the printer and he always got stuck clearing the paper jams or changing the toner.  He also claimed the toner was poisoning his brain whenever there was a Republican debate or primary to cover.  Keith had friended Oprah on Facebook as far back as October and as they are both narcissists, they got really tight.  Keith had one stipulation in the deal to buy OWN and that was that she let him change the network’s name to ME.  In fact, I heard his new show is going to be called, But Enough About Me, What Do the Rest of You Progressives Think About Me?  Keith taking over the network may also be good news for the recently fired Rosie O’Donnell as they are so close in their political views. Although I’m told Keith balked a bit when Rosie told him she’d never wear Spanx again and she’d like to do her new talk show dressed as Che Guevara.”

Today Faces Backlash Over Sarah Palin Hosting Gig

New York – In what only can seem like “stunt casting,” as former Today host and Palin nemesis Katie Couric returned to morning television this week filling in for vacationing Robin Roberts on Good Morning America, NBC offered a guest spot to Sarah Palin on Today – today.

The former half-term Governor’s pending appearance was announced appropriately enough on April Fool’s Day, leaving many viewers to wonder if it was just a bad joke as she’s always complained about the “lamestream” media.  Once it was confirmed as being a real gig because Palin is shameless, social media weighed in on the her appearance this morning and as we are sure you can imagine, reaction was not entirely positive. Here's a small sampling:

2Hot4U wrote: At least she dressed kind of like a biker chick.  That distracted me every time she opened her mouth.  And I appreciate what she said about wanting to punch a pregnant Jessica Simpson in the neck.  Or maybe she asked someone to punch her in the neck?  Or something.  Either one of them getting punched is a win-win.

Mad Martha wrote: I wouldn’t have questioned someone like Tori Spelling’s knowledge of pigs in a blanket the way that Sarah did by offering Caribou as a substitute for the beloved nitrate-filled pork in the white trash staple - Sarah’s white trash experiences aside.

SuperH8 wrote:  I kind was hoping she’d go rogue on Al Roker because she didn’t like the weather forecast.  It wasn’t good for snowmobiling.

Trixie T. wrote:  At first I thought she was an unusual choice for the “Today’s Professionals” segment, but then I remembered she’s been working professionally as a grifter since August 2009.

CurleyQue wroteI thought it was cool to have somebody say stupid things that they think are hilarious to Matt Lauer to make him feel uncomfortable. I’ve really missed that since Meredith Vieira left.

Lone Black Listener of Rush Limbaugh’s Show Going to Quit That Bitch
Phoenix, AZ – The only black person in America listening to Rush Limbaugh’s radio show was recently revealed to be Mr. George Martin of Phoenix and he has confirmed in regard to the right wing blowhard’s show that he’s going to “quit that bitch.”

Limbaugh has been making comments recently regarding the controversial shooting of innocent black teen Trayvon Martin, insisting that the huge amount of media coverage is all to aid in President Obama’s reelection efforts.

Unsolicited Drivel uncovered Mr. Martin’s outrage while trolling the Rants and Raves boards on Craig’s List. He told us, “I initially tuned in to Rush’s show because I’m a dyed in the wool sexist. I can’t get enough of that Feminazi talk.  And I love the word 'slut.'  But I was under the impression that Rush had moved on to exclusively hating on the Mexicans now. Just like I am. But these latest comments about the Trayvon case and brothers in general, make me want to quit that bitch - for good. Besides, Obama doesn’t have to use that black child’s tragedy to get re-elected! He’s whiter than Limbaugh is.”

Rush Limbaugh Has a Facebook Fan Page for the Ladies!
Really, he does.

Rebekah Brooks Charged in Phone Hacking Case!
London - Rebekah Brooks, the evil ginger of tabloid journalism, has just been charged with perverting justice in phone hacking case that will hopefully topple evil overlord Rupert Murdoch's media empire. Brooks was at the helm of the now defunct News of the World when their alleged illegal wire-tapping occurred between 2000-2003.

Should Brooks somehow escape jail, we thought it was worth reposting this chart regarding what her future moves could be.

More Ratings Trouble at CNN
Atlanta - CNN, the once original cable news network (see: Gulf War Part I), has announced some big shake-ups are forthcoming due to its free-fall ratings decline.  They've already axed anchor John King this week, but we wondered what else can they do to regain viewers?  Nobody believes they are communists anymore! We polled readers, and this is what they said:

Joke's on you Brian.

ABC News to Rethink Reporting Fake Facts After Aurora Tragedy
New York – ABC News made it clear to a stunned and grieving America on Friday morning that they no longer budget for fact checking with reporter and notorious flub-a-dubber, Brian Ross, falsely connecting the Dark Knight movie theater shooter to the Aurora, Colorado Tea Party. Ross also falsely connected the shooter James Holmes with the comic book character The Joker, when again, for accuracy’s sake, he probably should have gone with Sideshow Bob. 

Our reporting staff at Unsolicited Drivel began to rapidly channel surf after Ross’ flub on Friday and found no other news outlets making the connection. We did also find the following people who share the name Brian Ross – a child molester who collects young boys’ underwear like trophies; an inside trader who blows his nose with his ill-gotten gains all over the sleeping protestors of Occupy Wall Street; a pregnant transgender man; a Justin Bieber stalker; a high-ranking member of the Westboro Baptist Church; a Florida man who has his own minority voter-suppression fan page on Facebook; a dude who claims he was integral in establishing Mitt Romney’s off-shore bank accounts to become a tax dodge, a gay dad on Toddlers in Tiaras, and a guy who knows a guy who claims he knows a guy in the Muslim Brotherhood. However, WE ARE IN NO WAY SAYING THESE PEOPLE ARE THE SAME BRIAN ROSS! 

In an editorial conference call yesterday, the ABC president told the staff that they were going to need to tone down the phony facts in their otherwise exemplary coverage. He stated, “We are not Fox.” And further added, “We laid off over 300 people last year and are still operating in the red. Do you know how much money it takes to keep Diane Sawyer’s hair looking like frozen corn-silk that could withstand a twister, Barbara Walters in angioplasties, Whoopi Goldberg and Mario Batali in new clogs and Katie Couric in tooth whitener? Not to mention all the sequins we have to use on costumes to get people to watch ‘stars’ who could just as easily be dancing on Hollywood Boulevard with a cup for change. And that’s even before we budget for the scripted shows! I want the newsroom to take steps to make sure this doesn’t happen again. And if you feel yourself having a tough time resisting something that only a biased jack-ass would say, call up Jimmy from Jimmy Kimmel Live and ask him to deliver the falsehood in a jokey tone. That way Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert will leave us alone and go back to picking on cable news channels like they should.”

Huffington Post Agrees to Continue to Set Civilized World Backwards With Kardahsian Koverage
Krack attack!
New York, and now trashing up other countries' media too - The Huffington Post founder, Arianna Huffington, confirmed for us today that she promises to send the civilized world backwards by continuing to feature non-stories about the Kardashian family.

She told U.D., "I know evereeeone tinks I am some left ving politico, but I've really become obsessed with, how you say, being zee media whore.  I promise I vill still post about Obama and the Mitt Romney erection, but I get many more hits for my vebsite, vich I still don't pay most of the writers on by zee vay, when I continue to post pictures of zee Kardashians' ass-ets?  Get it?  Ven Kim's ass gets it own Tvitter account, I probably von't even have to get out of bed in zee morning as I can just trust my staff, or svaves as I sometimes refer to them, to post Tvitt pictures of zat fat ass all day long!  I can hardly vait.  I'm much older than I look because it's very tiring aggregating everybody's material dahlink!"

Honey Boo Boo Mistakes Dr. Drew For a Grandpappy and Promptly Fell Asleep
Hollywood - America's future pole dancer, TLC star Honey Boo Boo Child, appeared on Dr. Drew Peterson's HLN show last night and promptly fell asleep during his questions.

Mama June told Unsolicited Drivel, "Well, that Dr. Drew person seems like some kind of health nut 'cause we couldn't find no Go-Go juice at that Craft Services table.  You know how Honey relies on that to be wound tighter than a 2 dollar watch.  Anyways, she was tired to begin with and he just looked like some grandpappy she was worried would start boring her with stories about how hard it was when he was growing up with no money and walking through six-feet o' snow with no shoes to get to school an' all, when them are conditions we lived with every day before them nice, greedy folks at TLC turned her into America's sweetheart.  Hell, we was living on raccoons and crickets before Toddlers and Tiaras.  Besides, Honey Child's already done her duty for this country by endorsing that Obomber guy for President.  She ain't got nothing to say to Dr. Drew 'cause she's too little for Moonshine or Meth yet."

NBC to Host Telethon to Maybe Aid Hurricane Sandy Victims
We're so compassionate!?!
New York - NBC Universal is planning to host a telethon as soon as they can pull a production staff together and try and lure stars like Tom Hanks, Sandra Bullock, Brad Pitt, Julia Roberts, George Clooney, you know, the usual suspects….to help raise money to aid the victims of Hurricane Sandy.

The program, which they will not share with other networks (because of advertising revenue) is tentatively titled "Coming Together" and will not feature Beatles music because they are British dudes and also due to NBC's shitty programming over the years, they could never afford the music rights anyway.

An intern at the peacock network, who asked not to be named, told Unsolicited Drivel, "It's hopefully going to be a star-studded show and at least, unlike with Hurricane Katrina, we won't have any fear of Kanye West stomping up on the stage and proclaiming 'President Obama hates black people!' I cannot guarantee that will mean there will be no Kardashians on the broadcast.  Sorry.  You have no idea how sorry I am about that.  I can tell you the show will be hosted by Matt Lauer…which kind of leaves me scratching my head.  I mean if they wanted to do a show about victims, why didn't they just hire Ann Curry to host it?"

Today's Savannah Guthrie Makes it Clear: Credibility No Longer Important
Do I have any hickeys, bitch?
New York - The Today Show's Savannah Guthrie made it clear to TV viewers this week that even though she started out as a White House correspondent for NBC, she no longer gives a crap.

While The Today Show has been trying to save it's ratings ass by featuring bacon in every cooking segment, Guthrie appeared to be obsessed with whether or not Twilight co-stars, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson were still sucking each other's necks.

We asked our media analyst here at Unsolicited Drivel for comment on Savannah's sudden dive into a canyon of non-credibility, and here is what she told us:

"It is perplexing to me that The Today Show would do interviews with both Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattison of the Twilight films at an hour when most of their fans are already sleeping through Algebra class or busy text-bullying.  I also don't understand why the media hasn't been declasse enough to give their characters Bella and Edward a nickname like, 'Bedward?'  They must be asleep at the wheel.  And why didn't she ask what the public really wants to know?  Whether Kristen Stewart has really been playing a zombie instead of a vampire all of this time? That would have kept in accord with her investigative journalism roots.  She doesn't show the celebrity obsession commitment to the level of say, Ann Curry during an interview with Brad Pitt.  I will actually give her bonus credit for that.  Maybe Ms. Guthrie just tired of having to pay attention and actually KNOW stuff?  Knowledge is exhausting for sure.  Actually, there's no maybe involved in that!  What was I thinking?  She joined a morning infotainment show after all!"

What Should The Today Show Do to Improve its Falling Ratings?
We polled our Unsolicited Drivel readers and here is what they told us:

Where in the World is Matt Lauer? (After He Gets Fired)
New York - Rumors have been swirling for months now that the walking inflated paycheck, uh, we meant morning TV show host Matt Lauer, is going to be fired from The Today Show due to falling ratings.  Many attribute the falling ratings due to poor staff morale and tension on the set (Al Roker's probably putting Ex-Lax in his coffee...that's why Matt's only able to work one hour per day) because the staff believes that Lauer was behind long-time Today broadcaster Ann Curry’s firing.  Naturally, the brass at Today are denying that Lauer will be fired…so we at Unsolicited Drivel believe he will. Hey, kids - that's just how the world works.   If we were in New York and able to peek through the window at commercial breaks and view the look on Lauer’s face and how he interacts with his staff, we could tell you for sure.  However, we still believe that Matt WILL be shit-canned.  So where in the world will Matt Lauer end up?

Like many journalism, English, and communications majors who are unable to find a job in this economy, he could go back to trade school:
Factory Matt...Plumber Matt...Mechanic Matt!!
Mad Matt!!!!
                                      EVIL ADVERTISING EXECUTIVE!

UGH! The Media!
They seem like more of a joke every day!!  Needless to say, I wonder what this crawdad is saying about Bobby Jindal's 2016 presidential aspirations?

(Via Tumblr)

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