Lindsay Lohan Demands Dismissal of Case; Claims She Was Never Read Her "Carmen Miranda Rights"

Huh? What?

Los Angeles – Soon-to-be porn star Lindsay Lohan’s new lawyer is seeking to file a dismissal in Lindsay’s case where she has been charged with lying to cops after playing musical Porsche chairs with her assistant on the grounds that the “actress” wasn’t read her “Carmen Miranda Rights” according to her.

Lohan is being charged with lying to cops after crashing her rented car on the Pacific Coast Highway because she was too busy texting friends for believable excuses to call in sick to the set of a TV film equivalent of a nuclear bomb – Liz and Dick.  Then she kissed a tractor-trailer with her sport car’s grille.  She then allegedly made her assistant take the fall for her (as is in his job description).

But Lohan’s attorney Mark Heller is not getting off on the right foot.  We’re not sure if he’s getting off on the left foot, or even has feet at all.  A source told Unsolicited Drivel, “His first failure was in not clarifying that Miranda rights have nothing to do with a South American singer/dancer wearing a hat covered with fruit.  Not his biggest problem really.  Representing an entitled, clueless bitch is. But the cops didn’t take Lindsay into custody and concentrated on interviewing eye witnesses who claimed they saw exactly what happened as they usually don’t take their bump of cocaine until AFTER work and the accident was around 9AM.  Heller’s also been trying to influence the judges outside of court – a HUGE no-no even though when they do send someone of  Lindsay's ilk to jail it’s only for about 15 minutes.  I hope this mess gets cleared up soon so Lindsay can prepare for avoiding her next lawsuit – being sued by her stylist for playing Edward Scissorhands with her borrowed amFAR event dress worth nearly two thousand dollars. As of now, Charlie Sheen has offered to pay for HALF the dress. Maybe he'll pay for the other half after she bangs him when she appears on his series Anger Management?”