Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Olive Garden to Now REALLY Treat People Like Family

Orlando, FL – Executives at the restaurant chain the Olive Garden plan to roll out an even more intensive marketing plan to attract customers by treating them like family – this time FOR REAL.

A new branding executive for the chain told Unsolicited Drivel, “In today’s America many people have moved far away from relatives because of being alienated or to avoid elder care duties and can’t begrudgingly spend poor quality holidays together because airlines are now committing fiscal anal rape. So these folks are probably missing the normal amount of ridicule there are accustomed to. We are re-training our servers to provide the missing criticism. Some family-like reminders could include: hey, keep your elbows off the table; don’t talk with your mouth full; why are you making that face at me? Don't know it could freeze that way? For teenagers the server can criticize the kid’s taste in the Twilight franchise and tell them how much it's for dorks and that if they were really cool, they would be reading the Hunger Games instead.  And speaking of hunger, we will stop serving portions more fit for Paul Bunyon or the 'diabetes delights' as we call them in the boardroom and then the server will remind customers that people are starving in China and other countries they can't locate on a map without their smart phones. But to give it a modern twist, the server will also cite statistics of how many Americans are on food stamps and get in a fight with them over politics.  Of course for extra special customers we could also have the server ask: why are you still single; you’ve failed the bar exam exactly how times; and the timeless classic: why don’t you just give up and get a civil service job? We think this extra personal touch will attract more customers to the Olive Garden instead of just apologizing for our food sucking the way Domino's did.”

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