Explosive Report Reveals How The Government Sequester Will Kill You

Victim of Sequester the Molester

London – A paper outside of America that none of us will ever read just published an explosive expose on the hidden costs of our government sequester and suggested that 98% of Americans should just bend over and kiss their “arses” (limey spelling) goodbye. So basically get your ASS to the bank or wherever and ask for what’s called “power of attorney” so you can have someone decide who will get your leftover catheters, your Nascar memorabilia, including your autograph from Dale Earnhardt, SENIOR, your pointed hood, gun collection, your “Don’t Tread on Me” flag, your secret homemade interracial porn video, your hair extensions, your “Bump it,"  fake fingernails, your trucker hat collection and any tickets you bought to the upcoming Monster truck rally should you suddenly perish.

Unsolicited Drivel caught up with the reporter, Nigel Hogthorne from The Watcher, U.K. for the Cliff Notes version of the explosive report.  He told us, “Well I do say madam that you people are how you say?  Up shite’s creek without a paddle due to the current crop of politicians some of you rubes voted into office. There will be cuts to programs like Meals on Wheels for your seniors, for some of whom that is their only food source, people will be turned away for housing, which I assume will be really awkward for those in the southern states when they go to pitch a tent on someone’s lawn they may or may not have burned a cross on after one to eight too many beers. People will be refused cancer treatment. You're pretty much all going to die. Sorry. Now Britain can rise again!  Jolly good!! Anyhow, the reason you Americans didn’t notice all of the cuts is because your silly arses go into a blind rage as soon as you hear the words ‘cuts to defense spending.’ Basically, the only Americans whose lives will not change will be the millionaires, billionaires, and the Appalachian hill people and the swamp people of Louisiana because they live off the grid anyway.  And speaking of grids, power grids, enjoyed any good blackouts lately?   I must say your politicians have planned this very poorly. My only question is this. If they kill off the lower classes, who will pour their 12-year old scotch?”