Hollyweird – There has been much speculation as to how what critics refer to as “television’s greatest drama” AMC’s Mad Men will end in season 7. Everybody knows that creator Matthew Weiner is totally tight lipped about his plot lines. It’s almost as if he has put Krazy Glue™ on his mouth. Fortunately for you dear readers, we saw notorious Watergate mastermind G. Gordon Liddy speak when we were at the college of very important knowledge and took him out and got him drunk to learn some tips. So, after hacking into Weiner’s MacBook, we can bring you season 7 enders for Mad Men. Spoiler alert! (Duh.)
Don Draper – Everyone has speculated that the series’ evil protagonist (is that an oxymoron?) will get lung cancer. We are sorry to report that is TRUE. However, Don will not die of lung cancer. He will overdose with opiates just for spite to ruin Peggy Olson and Ted Shaw’s lavish wedding. Which, being witty writers, they plan to hold at the Algonquin Club to honor the famed "roundtable." Unlike Mr. Draper, Mr. Shaw will keep his custody visitation schedule shit together with the first Mrs. Shaw.
Megan Draper – Devastated, but not at all surprised by Don’s death, she will move back to Montreal giving up on the U.S. because it’s going bat-shit crazy with war and racism. This is why you never saw Megan wear a beret, BTW. Megan will also tire of memorizing 100 pages of dialogue daily for her soap opera she is starring on. Upon her return to Montreal, she will resume her acting career as the world’s tallest street mime. When her mother Marie berates her, she will mime that she is deaf.
Sally Draper – After being admitted without any trouble, Sally will declare Miss Porter’s Finishing School to be “lame” within the first two weeks of class. She will demand to take the SAT early and will promptly leave to enroll in Sarah Lawrence College. Sally will later pursue a career as the youngest female judge in U.S. history in the child welfare court system.
Creepy Friend Ben – Sally’s best friend Ben Bishop, having never really fit in with the mainstream, will become part of Andy Warhol’s famed "Factory" as Warhol’s wig-master, despite being hetero.
Bobby & Eugene Draper – (Not sure which is which) The Draper boys will receive a dog-eared copy of Jack Kerouac's On the Road from their big sister. After they both read it, they will steal Henry Francis’ Cadillac and never be seen or heard from again, except for sending Sally postcards and thank you notes.
Henry Francis – Henry will run a relatively clean campaign and emulate Rocky and become elected Governor of New York. Upon hearing this joyful news, his mother will die of a stroke.
Betty Draper Francis – The new first lady of New York will waste no time in emulating her fashion icon – Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis…complete with pillbox hat. Unfortunately by this time Betty will have switched to the female centric Virginia Slims cigarettes and as they are unusually long, she will accidentally catch her hat on fire while judging someone and burn to death.
Roger Sterling – The jovial Mr. Sterling will decide to retire and convince Joan Harris to run away from the rat race with baby Roger (what’s-his-name) to his mansion in Bridgehampton. Unfortunately, Roger will resume his love of performing in black face at lavish garden parties and Joan will leave him as that’s soooooo 1962.
Joan Harris – Joan will return to NYC with her son and start her own magazine to rival Cosmopolitan. She and Helen Gurley Brown will get into a catfight at Don’s 21 Club and Helen will break her wrist. Joan will also toss some Johnnie Walker Black in Helen’s face and stomp out looking fabulous.
Harry Crane – The self-proclaimed media wunderkind will find another hooker who takes traveller’s checks. When he awakens the morning after and discovers she has robbed him blind, he will die of embarrassment and be found, eventually, by housekeeping.
Ken Cosgrove – Having been burdened with working with the auto industry clients, which in advertising makes every year seem like a dog year, Ken will leave advertising altogether and start a non-profit advocacy group to protect union workers’ rights.
Pete Campbell – After being released for doing time at Riker’s Island for smothering his mother in her sleep, the only work Pete will be able to find will be as a used Jaguar salesman. His long-suffering wife Trudy will have divorced him and happily remarried a dude who is not a megalomaniac for no comprehensible reason. Pete will never be allowed to see his daughter (the legitimate kid) without an officer of the court (a social worker) present.
Bert Cooper – Fed up with the state of America just like Megan Draper, Bert will move to Tokyo and become a squatter in a Geisha house.
Michael Ginsberg – Michael will become more irate and frustrated with copywriting and start hitting the Manischewitz pretty hard…hard enough to get cavities in his teeth. Then poet Allen Ginsberg will start hogging all of the Ginsbergy glory. As spiteful as his mentor the late Don Draper, Michael Ginsberg will leave advertising to become a poet to try and crush Allen’s success.
Stan Rizzo – Sterling Cooper (insert revolving names here) art director Stan Rizzo will also get fed up with advertising and leave to open his own gallery in Soho. He will hire SDC’s original art director, Salvatore Romano, to run the place while he bangs hot interns in the store room.
Jim Cutler – Mr. Cutler will also meet an early demise when he dies of gum disease. They didn't have gingivitis back then.
Bob Benson – Although we have already learned that Mr. Benson is not who he said he was, he’ll be revealed to be a Madison Avenue mole for BOTH Young & Rubicam and Ogilvy & Mather.
Duck Phillips – Mr. Phillips will have overestimated his headhunting skills and lose his empty suit recruitment business. After cashing in some pension money and getting lucky with an IPO, he will sell his stock at quite a profit and create the “Ride the Ducks” tour company.
Ted Shaw – As previously reported, he will leave his wife for his dream girl, creative mastermind and moral authority Peggy Olson. They will have a very happy marriage and produce lovely, smart children. Ted will follow Peggy around with sad puppy eyes until he is killed being a good Samaritan by trying to save an old lady from being mugged sometime after their 30th anniversary.
Peggy Olson – After the untimely demise of Don Draper, Peggy will become head of Creative at the agency. She will also purchase the Draper’s former penthouse a fire sale price because Megan wanted to just get the hell out of Dodge. Peggy will win three Clio Awards within her first year in charge and use them as doorstops.