This is Worth Watching Just to See if Any Living Creatures Pop Out of Roseanne's Hair

Otherwise, it's just another he said, she said interview.

Wine Cooler Sales Surge Due to Leaked Bristol Palin Memoir

Not since the launch of Bartles & Jaymes with their two old geezer spokespeople has the wine cooler seen such a spike in sales as they have this week due to leaked details of Bristol Palin’s memoir.

In the upcoming book Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far (working title: How to Bring Your Teenage Years and Any Potential Future Prospects of Fun to a Screeching Halt), Alaska’s former first daughter details how she lost her virginity to former flame Levi Johnston while drunk on wine coolers and didn’t remember a thing. And teens nationwide, that just assumed because of where Bristol hailed from that she was high on crystal meth when she got knocked up, breathed a sigh of relief at this news.

One teen couple that offered to be interviewed told us why they were now switching to wine coolers. The girl said, “I thought you had to weigh like 90 pounds to get drunk on those things to blot out reality, but one look at Bristol Palin proves that’s definitely NOT true!  I'm so glad too, because I never was able to get the nerve to throw up my meals.  But you know, if I did accidentally get knocked up while drunk, I don’t think if I found somebody to ghostwrite a book for me about my life, even if it was my true story, that I would detail for my baby to realize how his daddy was a cheating rat bastard who made me want to puke. If I could puke. And that would be my decision without considering if he'll even learn how to read.” Her boyfriend concurred, “It’s so much easier to get a girl drunk instead of trying to find out what her interests are to have meaningful conversations to develop a real relationship in order to get laid. Beer isn’t sweet enough for chicks and Robitussin is getting harder to come by thanks to suspicious pharmacists. Besides, neither works as well as wine coolers while disguised as Slushie or an energy drink.”

WikiLeaks: The Sarah Palin File

Well, we knew something was seriously up when Sarah Palin started slamming WikiLeaks. It made no sense that someone whose foreign policy experience was waving at Russia from her house would be so enraged over U.S. diplomatic secrets being leaked. So sure enough, it turns out WikiLeaks had a document about Sarah and the Palins.

Here is what we’ve found out about them so far:

- John McCain had no idea who she was prior to announcing her as his running mate. His staffers decided they needed a beauty queen for VP to counteract his icky old man funk and Palin was chosen after a drunken game of Einy Miney Mo over "that former Miss California that hates the gays.*"

- Palin herself did insist on the extremely pricey ($150k) campaign wardrobe (when Americans are starving) and also insisted that silkworms be flown in to custom create her outfits. However, silkworms from communist China were told they need not apply.

- Sarah can’t really see Russia from her house. In fact, she can’t even find it on a map. She also thought Vladimir Putin was maybe a cosmonaut or a spy satellite. 

- At speaking engagements, Sarah's bendy straws cannot ever be made of recycled plastic due to her uncontrollable fear of herpes.

- Sarah unsuccessfully tried to sue Snooki for violation of her intellectual property over the use of the Jersey Shore star's  “bump-it.”

- When unauthorized biographer Joe McGinniss moved in next door, the 14 foot fence Sarah claimed she had “Todd and his buddies” erect was really put up by Mexicans who crossed the border from Canada.

- Despite being a proponent of big oil and its obscene profits, and encouraging America to “Drill baby, drill,” in reality, Todd Palin secretly powers his snowmobile with recycled oil he used for frying corn dogs.

- Any fish viewers see Sarah catch on her reality show have been added to her hook by scuba divers. The big game she shoots has to be pre-screened to prove to be slow moving, depressed and suicidal.

- Sarah did blame Bristol for her losing the election and made her do “Dancing with the Stars.” Bristol did strike up a friendship with co-star Margaret Cho and was letting her baby-sit Tripp until she discovered Margaret was reading gay porn to her son instead of nursery rhymes for bedtime stories.

- Levi Johnston currently is allowed to see son Tripp via Skype only, unless he gets his own reality TV show for the Palins to be featured on.

- Pals conclude Sarah’s megalomania and greed can all be traced back her to losing out on the lead role of Eva Peron in a Wasilla community center production of “Evita.”


*Carrie Prejean.